about the talking fish

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Writer. Wheelman. Occasional DIY mechanic. Walking collection of hang-ups. Hopeless romantic. Old-school. Analog soul in a digital world. I am all of these things and more.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Saturday started out as a mess but ended pretty well.

I was very irritable in the morning as I was in school at 8 am and with a bad night's worth of sleep, hoping that my groupmates would meet up with me about any changes to the PowerPoint presentation I made. Imagine all my worrying when Mao finally did come at around 9:30. At that time, at least I was already in a computer shop adding animations.

After I was finished with those pesky animations (which they really should've told me to add in advance), we went to the presentation room to await our turn. I was getting pretty pissed about where my other groupmates were. As it turned out the didn't arrive until 10:30, with little to call a proper presentation plan.

I know I should've been more understanding of them as Mao and Zeri were both from producing "A Night of the Arts" for their production org, but I wasn't. The trouble is, we really could've set the presentation up a long time ago and we didn't. That's what I was pissed about.

I decided to leave them to their own devices because noon was fast approaching and I still had to go meet our speaker, Federico Makabenta of Level-Up Games. I don't care about any points I'd miss out on the concept report. I may be an unconfirmed Marketing Management major, but I have other, more urgent things to do.

I am very thankful our group got Sir Fed.

We briefed him in Level-Up's stock room about the seminar and how it'd go, and it seemed as if he could already anticipate the seminar itself. He was a Philosophy and Economics major, and he used to be in print for news advocacy, so that was doubly good for his credentials.

He knew what he was talking about. He knew what kind of atmosphere to expect. More importantly, Fed placed a lot more importance in humanity's free will than we ever did in the three months of SOCIETY class.

Kurt, Denise and I left the building with a sense of hope. We might not be blasted with zeros by Miss Sibayan come Tuesday after all.

Kurt and I went to Greenbelt after the visit to Fed's, to burn the time until Bianx was done with ORIENT2. He bought some comics, we perused some CDs at Music One, I played a few games of Dance Maniax and Percussion Freaks (the latter of which I'm pretty rusty at nowadays).

We noticed DM and PF actually attracted the game-playing babes. By chance we got to follow a couple of cute girls in tank tops and dark jeans on the way back to basement parking. Kurt wanted to hit on them. Hahahahaha!

I've been in the same school with this guy for over 15 years and it's only now that I got to goof around with him. Was quite fun.

Bianx took me to free dinner from one of her blockmates' SK activities---a billiards tourney on Pasay Road.

How nice of her. The food might not have been genuine beef salpicado like it claimed to be, but it was pretty good and I got no complaints.

Got to meet some of her blockmates too.

Saturday ended pretty well.

Cher was with me through SMS the whole time I was angry, disappointed, delighted and relieved yesterday. We were on YM as usual last night.

She updated her blog, too, but I ain't saying where it is. And she's meeting her pare for the first time next Friday.

Maraming salamat, Kerya. Sana talaga mag-click din kayo ni pare offline. ;)

Hey, show me that toothy grin, friend. :D

For once I slept pretty well. Yaaaaaawn.

I oughta sleep more.

I found out Helene enjoys Dance Dance Revolution and Dance Maniax just as much as I do. Cool!

And I thought I was the only one in DLSU who did. ^_^;;;

Man, I spent a lot of time in my car driving around lately. I oughta consider living in it. Mweheheheheh. :P

Friday, November 28, 2003

What a long day.

I didn't start the day on an ideal note. My jolly manner of waking up was rudely interrupted when responsibilities that weren't even mine to begin with were shoved into my lap. Whether or not it was chance I don't really care. I still got pretty disappointed with my groupmates for SOCIETY.

Because the two previous media seminars were bombs, we as the next group were determined not to have that same explosion on our faces. We decided to prepare our speaker, Mr. Federico Makabenta of Level-Up Games (creators of that game Ragnarok Online), for what sort of questions and atmosphere he should expect from the seminar. We wanted to see whether he could answer our rather deep and philosophical questions in a manner which would make Ms. Sibayan happy.

Unfortunately all my groupmates had other things to do or were sick. Only Denise and I remained...and we didn't exactly set the meeting with Fed for today.

This is why I was so pissed. I was not the mastermind of the seminar, and I did not set the meeting, but because no one else could go it was left to me and Denise.

So off we went, with Tantan's friend Gab. I braved the traffic of Buendia and finally located the Pacific Star building only to find that Fed wasn't in. He was at a hospital himself, looking after his younger brother. We decided to come back tomorrow (Saturday).

Not having had lunch we decided to crash Glorietta for a while. Had lunch, went to Timezone and played some games. Didn't stay for too long though.

It turns out today was payday Friday. Worse, it was a Christmas payday Friday. Imagine the traffic that awaited me and my little blue Honda...and imagine the pain of my left foot, as it was always on the clutch.

I bet I made a serious dent on my usually-lean fuel consumption too. Fuck it.

Am just happy to be home.

Nicole was beside me today in Economics class, as usual. We got into a conversation that started with movies and just somehow ended up with the subject of love.

She told me she had male friends who had lots of girl friends, but weren't in any relationship because they were too friendly. In other words, they acted in such a way that they were better friends than boyfriends. From what I got from her, there was some sort of difference.

So does this mean that nice guys finish last?

I'm probably doomed to not being able to swoon any girl at all, bar my previous relationship (as I never really courted Pam formally). Y'see, I tend to befriend the girls I'd like to know better...and if I like them enough, I try to gather enough guts to tell them how I feel. But now I found out that things like these are "hard to do."

I told Cher about it on YM tonight. I was so frustrated to find out that girls tended to avoid nice guys who'd be great friends for them?! After everything I've seen and read about women's complaints, saying "Men oughta understand us better," in the end they'll still prefer being with "bad boys"? Then what's the point of all this feminizing everything? What was the point of me trying to attune myself for so long to what girls wanted out of men?

What a sad state of affairs.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually thinking that girls aren't as great as I've cracked them up to be. I am sorely disappointed.

Maybe I'm just confused, maybe I'm just jilted. But this is really hitting a nerve in me.

Cher did tell me I shouldn't change, that someone would come along who would accept me for what I am...and am not.

She also whispered a prayer for Denise, that she finds out what she's missing and finds it in me.

Maybe. That just may be the case.

But I'm kinda tired of waiting...

I've talked about Cher this past week on my blog. Let me just say I am very, very thankful I got to meet her, even only online.

It's surprising how quickly we hit it off as friends---we started out quite reserved last week, but now we drive each other crazy with our little jokes, nonstop emoticons and innocent banter. We made a pact to be each others' emotional closets. No embarrassment, no shyness, no entanglements, no need for pretense. Just pure, unadulterated friendship and mutual conversation about our feelings and emotions.

It feels good having a friend like this.

I promise, one of these days I will visit Cebu and have a cup or two of coffee with you. (Just pray I win the lottery.)

Thanks Ate Kerya. :) *hugs*

Hell week isn't starting on Monday.

It started TODAY.

God give me enough brain matter to last the week. I'll need it.

I tried being a jerk to Denise today. Unfortunately it didn't work.

For all the not-so-veiled anger, disappointment, resentment and loneliness I put into "jerk mode," I still can't help but make her laugh and be happy.

Seems I still like her around after all.

Yikes. Someone stop me.

Was about to log off the Internet and go to sleep when I heard a nasty buzz outside the house. Twice. The transformer on our post had fizzled to its death at 1 am in the morning.

Thanks to that, my legs were mosquitoes' feast and I barely slept last night.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Am back in school, blogging away in my free time.

Film Management class was cancelled this morning...yawn. I woke up early for nothing.

At least I was able to ferry my sister to school and study a bit for the statistics quiz we had today. Fairly easy, it was a short one. My prof did tell me I had this habit of being careless.

Why bother? I never liked math anyway.

It's only recently that I learned PY was on a leave of absence. She used to be a colleague back in my stint at The LaSallian. Apparently her fragile heart needs the vacation---I hear she has some sort of congenital heart defect concerning her mitral valve or something.

I'm going to be brutally honest---I once found her beautiful, I once felt like taking care of her and her weak heart, but after a while I just resisted her. I simply can't stand the kind of people who approach you for something they need and nothing else.

I would like to think I'm more than just a bottomless fountain of tangible things to share with other people. I like to think I'm human.

In short...I think PY's absence this term did me some good.

I sound mean...but sometimes I just have to be.

After the stat quiz, my classmate Kim and I just waited for her friend on the third floor benches.

She's one of those people whom I can consider one of my "prodigal little sisters." Ever since this term started, we kept badgering and kidding each other come Stat period. This time she kept kidding me about my getting her a gift on MY birthday three months away. Heheheheh.

Now that's what I call a real friend: someone who ain't after what's in my smarts or what's in my bag.

Might not see her again next term though. Thanks for the time, Kim.

Might not be able to blog next week, either. It's going to be a pretty busy one. I'll have a lot more on my hands.

Why do requirements and responsibilities have this nasty habit of concentrating themselves into one week?

That's just one of those existential questions I guess we'll never know the answer to... :P

Sigh...right now I don't know what my standing is with Denise. I don't know whether to pursue or to just sit back. Like I said, it's hard being in unrequited love when everything else is saying "no go."

I might as well move on.

It's not that I have someone else in mind, nor am I desperate to look for someone new (thanks to KD for that one). It's just that I deserve to be happy too. I can't go sleepless, moping and heartbroken all my life. I would've had a serious relapse of tuberculosis if I did---perhaps that's the worst-case scenario. Mind you, I don't plan on making my parents pay one term's worth of money to get me treated for TB again. I may be reckless but I'm not that dumb anymore.

Nothing bad happened between Denise and I; we're still friends. I just gave up on her being more than that.

Cher was right. Acceptance comes after denial.

It's just that I feel like I was never given the chance to prove myself. That's what hurts.

"What might have been" is just so full of hot air...and I'm gassy enough already.

At least I learned I lost enough weight to raise my eyebrows. I now weigh 164 lb. That's the lightest I've weighed in 11 months.

I told my mom, "Apparently something's working with what I've been doing."

Maybe being single does make one weigh less.

And before any thoughts creep into your psyches: NO, I am not bulimic nor anorexic.

Just updated some of my links to my friends' blogs/LJs/blurties/whatever. My, how things change in the span of 5 months spent not posting.

I think I have to go to SOCIETY class now. Catch you later.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Pakiramdam ko ngayon ako ay nagmumukhang gago
Ngayon ako'y nagsisisi kung bakit ako nag-I love you
Kasi, hindi na tayo tulad ng dati!
Ngayon sa akin ika'y diring-diri!

--Parokya ni Edgar, Maniwala Ka Sana

This really scary hissing noise creeps into the house at midnight and has been annoying the hell out of me for two days now. It sounds not unlike some hyperactive unattended kettle.

Apparently my mom heard it too...and she hypothesized that the sound might be a snake's hiss.


I didn't know my home was so reptile-friendly. First lizards and now snakes?

I never knew death was just under my kitchen.

I invited Denise over to my house last night to get some of the revisions to our thesis proposal over and done with. It felt like we spent more time being distracted and joking each other silly.

Too bad she had to leave early. We were actually in the middle of something productive when she had to go.

Wait a minute.

She left her birthday brownies in our fridge. :P

I don't have any clue as to what exactly "Super Eurobeat" is, but if it's as great as the music I hear on Initial D, I'll buy it.

Scoured the Web for Initial D soundtracks last night and I found out there were at least 9 volumes. The songs I so loved from Initial D's first season were on 3 CDs already.

Damn. I hope Feata Bookstore carries them.

One more reason for me to save up some money!

every night you drive me crazy like you know
every day I scream so loud you'll always be my queen

so you can be my shining star tonight
I'm not alone with all your love
fly across the sky, you will be mine
like a real dream with you, babe

gonna get you, like a space boy
I'm ready babe
gonna catch you, I'm your space boy
dive into your heart baby
gonna get you, like a space boy
I hear you babe
gonna catch you, I'm your space boy
take a chance with me baby

--Dave Rodgers, Space Boy (Initial D, D Selection 1)

I guess it's pretty obvious music has a heavy influence in my life, despite my inability to play any instrument (other than drums I guess).

I ought to have more CDs.

That means I ought to save more money.

It's an endless cycle.


Got to visit Helene's livejournal recently...and I can say that, for a couple of Comm Arts majors who aren't blockmates and who don't talk that often, we can relate with each other pretty well.

Actually maybe it was just another case of my overt shyness working with her. She's really a pretty approachable fellow.

Thanks Helene. You take care now okay? Stay happy and stay yourself.

Helene suggested I should put up some sort of feedback module on my blog...a tagboard perhaps. Unfortunately I don't like the way tagboards can be exploited, as was the case with my ex's blog. The whole time it was up, it was filled with garbage from some strangers.

Maybe I'll just wait until there's a more convenient feedback mode. But I'm considering it.

I never thought "System Shock" was the name of a game by Electronic Arts.

Do I get sued for misuse of name then?

Damn I hope not. C'mon, really, what's in a name? I first decided to name my blog "Culture Shock" but it was already taken. :P

Let me just say, I think you're a really cool friend and I've been really happy since I got to meet you.

Thanks so much Cher. I hope you and John last a long time. :)

In the meantime I'll keep your secret. :)

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Got to chat with Cher last night on YM...and I got to find out a lot about my new friend. She's probably the second or third from all my friends from the Visayas. Spent the better part of last night chatting about anything under the sun and exchanging innocent banter. I was chuckling in my seat a few times from the replies we exchanged.

She made a pretty good case for me to go to Cebu. Frankly I've never been there. I might as well go, given enough money and moolah.

At least until she joked about Cebuanos sucking human blood. Hahahahaha!

Let's do this again some time Cher.

The badminton tourney at Villamor AFB had begun since Saturday, and has its games every two days...that means I'm limited in my playing hours. I gotta train or play games before 5:30.

At least I got to learn how to make drop-shots. Goodbye last-minute diving for the shuttlecock.

Speaking of dives my right side still hurts when I twist or bend my body a certain way. I wonder if I should go see a physical therapist or something...

I got something for Denise's birthday today. I'm pretty sure it'll make her laugh.


Cher told me that wooing Denise was probably a losing battle.

Maybe she's right.

Now I'm kinda stuck between thinking "damn I hope she's wrong" and "where do I go from here?"

Finally got to buy for myself the final 2 episodes of Initial D, the first season.

Man, what a race. That's easily the best street duel anywhere in the series.

Am high enough on Initial D to post this.

Mako.  You've got the goods, but something is distracting you.
You're not bad. Just... keep your eyes on the
road, and calm down.

Which Initial D Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not bad at all...Mako's the babe in the whole series and she drives like hell!

Sunday, November 23, 2003

It's 2:30 am and I'm still awake.

What the hell am I doing at this time of night?

I've been online checking up on old friends' sites while listening to all my Pinoy alternative MP3s.

Been reading most of my old posts, as well. I can't believe my blog's been documenting my life for that long. Granted I've forgotten some of the details regarding the experiences, but everything written on my blog seems like it happened just the week before.

Officially my blog is 2 years old. I guess it was good reading to those who've actually bothered to follow it all the way up to now, because I felt something different when I did so. It actually felt like the experiences I wrote way way back weren't mine; they felt like they were someone else's. There was a freshness, a raw quality to my previous posts that previously wasn't there when I typed them in.

Maybe this means I did change within this past couple of years.

Or am I just deluding myself?

For the sake of those who actually read my blog, I ought to continue posting. I realize I have an audience (no matter how small) that actually gives a damn about how I am.

Accompanied my mom and sister to the Heaven Sent bazaar today at the Manila Polo Club. There I saw my classmates Isa (an MPC regular) and KD, who'd set up a small booth along with her family and friends.

A pretty welcome surprise was the appearance of TV host Tessie Tomas, who had a TV crew tag along with her to cover the bazaar floor.

Overall the bazaar was pretty good...although I didn't really enjoy it too much. I really would prefer if I went shopping in these things alone.

It's been ages since I posted on PEX and I was surprised at threads popping up with the title "Sacrosanct: 1982-2003."

I was shocked when I heard the news.

Sacrosanct was a female PEXer whom I met online in the Gaming forums and e-mail, and I actually got to meet her offline once too, in UM's arcade. She's the only girl I know who loves arcade fighting games---and is pretty wicked at playing them too. I remember having had a little crush on her as she was quite pretty, although I never got to know her name or be her friend offline. Still, I remember her as quite the intelligent fellow, and she had a knack for sketching too.

Imagine my shock when I learned that she had died. Kurt, a fellow PEXer, told me it was due to an overdose of some sort.


I probably don't have the right to say this, but I really believe we lost one great human being when we lost her.

Rest in peace, Ms. Sacrosanct. You're dearly missed down here.

Wasn't able to go to Tara's birthday party tonight. I had no idea what the final plans were, so I didn't go.

Happy birthday Tara! ^_^

Woke up this morning to discover that I lost 5 lbs.

That was a welcome surprise. After months of grappling with my weight I now weigh 165 lbs. That should silence some of the critics who've told me I've gained weight after seeing me again only in three years. It actually feels like my efforts in keeping fit are working.

But do I look like I lost weight?

Hmmm. That's a good question. I bet the answers would largely point to "no."

C! is a worthless, gutless local car magazine. Except for the slick layout I totally regret buying the two issues I own.

Mark my words.

Was a surprise seeing two of my high school batchmates on TV.

Senior-year sweethearts Kit and Kristina were on the variety show "SOP" today, and they were both dancers. Kit's gotten a bit chubbier (I had trouble recognizing him at first, no thanks to him being backlit), while Kristina looked pretty much the same, bar some shiny eyeshadow.

I wonder if the two of them are still together up till now. Knowing them, I bet they still are.

I've been wandering aimlessly around the Internet the whole weekend. I suppose I was looking for someone or some forum to share my emotional confusion with. Writing on my blog only gets me so far. It can even make things worse for me, actually---my blog just reminds me of my situation ad nauseam.

So far I've found zilch.

Been to Angel's blurty page lately (why are so many people switching from blogs to Blurty?) and I came across something on platonic love. Her two cents about it were that it was an impossibility, and I replied to her in agreement.

However, from the looks of things it seems I'm being forced to be platonic with Denise. It's so hard stifling my emotions like this. The onli thing I can really do with her is to act "normally" and wait...and wait...and wait, for God knows how long. I don't even know if all this waiting I started will pay off or be in vain.

I distinctly remember saying love never wanted anything in return...but I suppose I'm only human after all.

To any kind souls out there reading this, I'd appreciate it if you guys sent anything in to help. I could really use the company and the solace. All this emotion for her is killing me inside, and I just can't throw it away.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

My song of the moment: Sugarfree's "Telepono."

Natatandaan mo ba, kagabi?
Apat na oras tayong nagbabad
Sa telepono
Oh, inabutan na tayo ng umaga noon

Ngunit bakit ngayon, malamig ka bigla?
Magdamag nasa tabi mo
Wala man lang hello, hello, hello...
Oh, hello?
Naririnig mo pa ba ako?
Kung wala na tayo sa telepono
At nandito na tayo sa tunay na mundo

Oh, hello?
Di na kita naiintindihan, malabo
Na ba ang linya sa ating dal'wa?
Hello...gising ka pa kaya?
Oh, hello...nahihilo na ako sa iyo...

Ngayong gabi, pag nagri-ring
Ang telepono
Ikaw ang naiisip ko
Tumawag ka, tumawag ka
Darling please, tumawag ka naman dahil
Kailangan lamang marinig ang boses mo
Oh, ngayong gabi managinip,
Managinip muli tayo sa sarili nating mundo...

Oh, hello?
Di na kita naiintindihan, malabo
Na ba ang linya sa ating dal'wa?
Hello...gising ka pa kaya?
Oh, hello...nahihilo na ako sa iyo...


Been thinking about what to give Denise for her birthday, which is coming up pretty soon.

Flowers might be a little too much. I'm sick of giving away CDs. Giving away bags is old hat, I suppose (I already gave her one for her debut two years ago), and fragrances are largely off my budget.

I remember I recently joked about giving her a kiss. Much as I'd want to give her that, she'd probably chide me again for being too cheap. Heheheheh. My friend apparently has a feisty sense of humor.

Hmmm...I got three days to think about that.

The term is ending and once again I am struck at how quickly time actually flies in college. It seems like only yesterday when my classmates met Thai and Wujin, foreign students from Vietnam and China respectively. Now there are only 4 or so meetings left in our Market-I class...and I still barely know either of them. Man.

Such speed of day-to-day existence leaves me reminiscing about the "good old days" when I was still a college freshman. It really does feel like all those experiences were from some bygone era, free from the pressures of major subjects and thesis proposals. We used to have all the time in the world to hang out, cut classes, have/attend debuts and go to wherever we wanted. Needless to say that doesn't apply nowadays.

Still, it's nice how I've grown along with most of my original blockmates. I'm pretty proud that I belonged to LC24. Even though we do our own things, we still tend to gravitate toward each other.

Lately I've been treasuring the moments I spend with them nowadays. I've been having lunch with a little group composed of Denise, Ercx, Catcat and Kate, and it seems everytime we're together, all we talk about is where we're eating next (as our group seems to be permanently undecided). Silly, I know, but endearing quirks like those are the things I'll probably remember when I'm out of college.

Speaking of being out of college, I still have two more years to go. Damn. Nicole, on the other hand, has been "rubbing it in my face" that she has only two more terms to go. Man.

I bet those two years won't feel like two years at all. They'd be more like five or something.

Okay, okay, I'm rambling. :P

Bakit tuwing ikaw ay aking nakikita
Lumulundag ang aking puso?
Kapag ang ang tinig mo nama'y naririnig
Tahimik ang buong daigdig

Bawat gabi, mag-isa akong nag-iisip
Sana ay kapiling ka
Balak ko sana'y sabihin ko na
Ang aking nadarama

Kailan pa ito magagawa?
Kailan pagbibigyan ang tadhana?
Bukas ba? O sa makalawa?
Kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa?

Minsan tayo'y naiwang
Walang ibang kasama
Ngunit nang ikaw ay kaharap ko na
Hindi ko masabing mahal kita...

Kailan pa ito magagawa?
Kailan pagbibigyan ang tadhana?
Bukas ba? O sa makalawa?
Kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa?

- Parokya ni Edgar, "Kailan Pa"

I don't know about you guys, but I certainly don't feel like Christmas is approaching.

I suppose there are a lot of reasons why. First of all there's this ridiculous weather we have. It's already November and it's still so fucking hot! You'd think there'd at least be some windiness around this time, but no. Makes me wonder whether the world is polluted enough to kill us with greenhouse effect.

Next I suppose it's a function of my age. Twenty is hardly worth calling "old," but when you've outgrown Santa Claus, there isn't really a reason to look forward to Christmas. Instead one looks forward to gaining at least 5 pounds from all the eating, and losing at least PhP5,000 from all the gift-spending. It's an inverse relationship, no? Yes, friends, Christmas is a horribly materialistic feast.

Third...hmmm...maybe it's just because my mom and sis haven't gotten around to decorating the house yet.

I still remember the day I found our Christmas tree burning from the back side. Seriously scary shit, it was. That led to our ban on Christmas lights.

I remember how helpless I was in dealing with it, mostly because I figured out what I should do in a panic. I mean, I can't just douse water on it, as it's an electrical fire and it'll just get worse. In the end what I did was pretty pathetic but at least sensible given the nature of the fire: I blew on it with my breath.

That made my dad angry...but he didn't kill the fire either.

Looking back I realize I should've just cut the power to the tree.

Picked up an issue of Friday's "Young Star" section after missing it for what seems to be the longest time. Lots of new people have their columns in nowadays. One of them's model/TV host Marc Nelson ("Question Marc").

Someone wrote in about falling in love with her stepcousin, although he treats her as nothing more than his 'insan. Marc basically wrote at length about "welcome to the real world of unrequited love." Here's the start of the last paragraph:

"True, it might take some time, but if he really is such a great guy, then I'm sure he'd make a fantastic friend. This is where you have the advantage over his other admirers. To him, you're family, and therefore already a permanent part of his life. From the sounds of it you guys you guys already share a certain closeness as pinsan, so it's just a matter of developing that into further friendship when you're ready for it. In the long run, this is actually a lot more durable than if you were to become his girlfriend...So if you and he were an item now, odds are that you'd split up at one stage or another and then where would you be? Isn't it better to cultivate a friendship that would last forever?"

Hmmm...just reverse the gender roles and I wonder: is this piece of advice written for me?

I realize this is the biggest reason why Denise decided to keep me as a friend. At the risk of sounding egoistic, I think she treasures me enough not to want to lose me in her life.

I realize I feel the same way to her too. I never want her away from my life. She and I are each other's security blankets, I guess---we can be ourselves with each other. She and I want to be friends even until we're old and gray, and frankly this is the first time I've encountered this.

Still, I feel I'm so in love with her. I want to do so many things with her. I want her to be as happy as I can make her. I want to teach her so many things only love can teach us. I want to be in her arms after hard days.

Sigh...yes, I should welcome myself to the real world of unrequited love.

All the words I write simply fail to convey my emotions of the moment. I'm happy, confused, in love, slightly sad. Love is such a hard emotion to grapple with when everything else tells you not to go for it. When that happens, it hurts somewhere inside me.

Am I still hopelessly idealistic? Maybe I haven't grown up at all.

By all means, I ought to hang out in StupidLove.com more often.

Only problem is, whenever I visit the place seems dead. Whenever I'm off it, the place comes alive. :-\

Friday, November 21, 2003

This was a seriously shitty day. I don't know how things conspired to make my day so irritatingly maddening. It started with badminton, ended with a highway near-collision (nowhere near my fault) and left me in a state of elevated blood pressure (I'm pretty sure) for an hour or so.

I'll save you the details. It'll also help my sanity.
Denise got to read my latest post, and we got to talk about it on the way home from Ercx's.

I was actually prepared for the response I got. I don't know how I was. It's probably just because I'm a little more mature about these matters and I've experienced what being in a relationship is like. (I never actually thought I would call myself anywhere near "mature.")

I am honored, though. Being one of her closest friends isn't something to be scoffed at, and she was afraid of losing me had we taken the step I mulled over. Somewhere in my heart I know I should feel depressed about what essentially is a rejection from her, but I don't mind not being so if it meant having her with me. I suppose the best way to sum this all up is that love doesn't seek return, and I still do love her so.

We held hands in the van. I know this sort of thing's reserved for those in a relationship, but we held hands quite naturally and she never pulled away. She mulled over my mentioning the "My Best Friend's Wedding" scenario: if we weren't involved with anyone by a certain age, we'd marry each other.

"Are you serious about it?" She asked me.

I guess I was. Barring any other circumstances, I was. No one can say what time has in store for us, though.

We promised to be friends for the longest possible time, and that no alienation would happen in between us---tomorrow or whenever. To me anyway, it doesn't feel like that'll happen with us, seeing how we've settled into each other's lives.

I managed to sneak in an "I love you" before she alighted.

When I got home I plopped into bed and slept right away. I didn't bother with my usual nightly rituals. I simply slept carrying all these emotions with me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Maybe all my efforts of looking for crushes weren't such a good idea. It seems I already had someone I should seriously consider right beside me.

I remember I documented in this blog way, way back about my feelings for Denise. I remember quite foggily that I sort of promised to let the two of us remain as friends. Now it seems I didn't quite keep that promise. It feels like I was silently keeping all my emotions for her all this time---and the shocking thing is, I didn't even know about it myself until recently.

Last night, while en route to Ercx's house to work on our thesis, she told us that she'd be coming home late and that we should go somewhere to spend the time until then.

After a lengthy dinner and conversation at Hen Lin, Denise and I decided to head back to my parked car to talk, as we were getting conscious of our stale welcome. While in the car I popped the question.

"Hypothetically speaking, how would you react if I courted you?"

She looked at me with a quizzical look and was silent for a while. Then she reacted, "But we're friends..."

It seems Denise had reservations about her close friends becoming "too close." I already knew this from previous experience. But as the question went on I learned some things.

She had become jaded about love and happiness and all these happily ending love stories commercialized on TV and in the movies. She confided in me that she didn't believe the real world acted in that rose-tinted glasses sort of way, and that she just might be a pessimist after all. I related to her my personal experience on this.

After that she asked, "Why me? I'm not girlfriend material..."

This was a pivotal question. I had mulled over this quite seriously and I really don't believe her when she says that.

See, Denise is the kind of person I could talk about anything and everything about. Whenever I'm with her, I don't feel like I need to hide anything. I'm as close as I can get to being genuinely me when I am graced with her company. I believe I knew this from way, way back---even before I delved into my first relationship.

I won't deny that she's physically attractive to me too. She might grumble about having gained weight but I don't really care. I don't even notice it. I even know for a fact that she has this charm over guys that maybe she just doesn't acknowledge. I can't quite explain it fully but maybe it's because she makes people feel like they can be themselves---she's not stuck up or anything like that.

I left this all unsaid. All I said was: "Never think you're not girlfriend material, because you are."

I slowly began to feel this old familiar sense of warmth in my chest---the sort that arises when you want to be with someone you love. I'm not saying I'm in love with her, but I might as well be. At this point in time, I've known enough about Denise to know that she's worth giving my heart to. I know enough about her to realize that if I ever did fall in love with her, I would be sure I didn't force myself into feeling the emotion, like I did so many times in high school.

I suppose I was, and am, being persistent about this to her in sneaky ways like in mid-conversation. Maybe that was just a subconscious manifestation of my true feelings, and this was simply the full monty of manifestations.

Still, I am afraid. Denise told me she would so wish it for the two of us to be friends until we were old and gray, and I echo that sentiment. She had written and told me that I had become one of her closest friends, and I was quite touched. As much as I am sure about my feelings for her, I wouldn't want to force her into loving me. Nor would I want to delve into something deeper, yet risk losing what friendship we already had.

I had ideal thoughts of a relationship simply being a deeper form of friendship, and that if the relationship were to fail, there was always the friendship to fall back on. My experience with Pam tells me this just isn't the case with some people.

When I drove up to Denise's village and it was time for her to leave, I was seriously considering giving her a kiss---one on her cheek would be enough. I know I joked about it as my birthday present for her, but when we were on our way home, I was quite serious. For the first time, I really wanted to hug her tight and kiss her.

I didn't.

I suppose I had "scared" her enough already, and I didn't want to force anything. Besides, who knows who was inside the red Sentra that was supposed to pick her up. If it had been her father, I would've been had at least a good telling-to.

I adore the feeling I get when I realize I have loved somebody, but I should admit I don't like the feeling of anxiety or indecision over whether my love will be requited or not.

Truth be told, it feels like we're an informal couple, Denise and I. We're always together, we're always laughing, we're always happy with each other. The only thing missing is the tenderness.


If you decide to read this, Denise, I hope you simply take all of this as an entire blog post about you and how great a person you are. How you will react to what I have written is beyond my control. Just be aware that I am very thankful that I got to know someone like you in my life.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Denise finally made a testimonial for me on Friendster.

I was touched and humored at the same time. She said I was her "personal Mr. Miyagi." She even inserted a little jingle: "When your tummy goes loco, Yuchengco is the way to go!" HAHAHAHAHA!

Been mulling over my lack of a lovelife lately.

Sure, I have crushes on a LOT of girls but no one seems to be a good fit in terms of both personality and looks. Then there are the circumstantial reasons (i.e. she's already taken).

Overall though, I don't really miss it a lot. I'm happy being by myself, although there's nothing quite like having someone very dear next to me when I feel like some company.

Can't help wondering how I'd be when I delve into my next relationship.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Just when I thought I was permanently stuck in the routine of badminton training without actually playing a game, along comes today.

If it hadn't for Coach Rey's setting up of a game with three other adults for me, I probably wouldn't have started playing anyone at the Philippine Air Force Badminton Club in Villamor AFB.

In all fairness, I should say that my first game with strangers was horrible. I applied zero percent of my training in the game, and I was constantly jumpy and jittery on the court even though the other three players were much older women.

Worse, my nasty habit of performing last-minute dives to reach the shuttlecock cost me a lingering dull ache on my right side, as I landed on the concrete court quite badly. No points for guessing whether I won or lost.

I was pretty ashamed of myself afterwards. If it wasn't for Ailyn's prodding though, I probably wouldn't have had the guts to try and join a game again.

"Join ka na ng game!"

My second game went much, much better. I paired up with a tall lass named Sheryl. I believe she said the magic words: Just have fun.

And have fun I did.

I guarded the front line, while she cleaned up the back court. This time I was much more relaxed, as I played against one of Sheryl's girl friends and an older, stocky male whom I thought was a PAF officer. I was amazed at my own quick reactions and the way I kept returning shots the proper way. Granted, my footwork was still rather lame, especially on shuffling side-to-side, where I was pretty useless. But I was making successful smashes, drop shots (that's one thing Coach Rey never taught me!) and even service aces.

Sheryl kept encouraging me along. Her words went a long way in helping me relax. Even though we lost, at least I managed to do a lot better this time.

This is the day I start becoming serious about badminton, more than ever.

I really should begin considering a career in tutoring.

This Wednesday I met up with Nicole just a period before our Economics class. Her unavoidable absences (she's busy with a lot of stuff) left her confused with the lessons she missed. Tried to coach her as best as I could within that hour or so we were together at the North Conservatory, and we got to know each other a little bit more too. I never thought she used to live in Merville for 11 years---that's practically 10 minutes away from where I live. It explains why we're oth hard of hearing, as we were used to the racket of airplanes taking off and landing at nearby NAIA. I got to meet her sister Noelle too, and I noticed the two of us didn't look or act like our younger siblings either.

I finished the Economics quiz a little ahead of time. While I was waiting outside for my other classmates to finish, Nicole popped out of the room and told me my tutoring helped.

Yesterday I met up with KD, one of my blockmates, for our Statistics 101 quiz. I also coached her about the stuff she didn't understand---probability distributions and that sort of thing. She made an informal bet with me too: if she got a 3.0 or higher in the quiz, she would treat me to a box of Altoids; if she didn't, I would have to treat her to a box of the "curiously strong mints."

Unlike the Economics quiz, I barely got to finish this one as our professor came in 30 minutes late. KD approached me and lamented about her finishing only half the quiz, complaining that the time allotted was too short (and, I suppose, effectively telling me that I had to treat her to a box of Altoids). Still, she did say the tutoring helped.

I guess this is a sign...but yeesh! I just can't imagine myself as a teacher. Reading LouAnne Johnson's books gives me enough ideas of how hard it is (the movie "Dangerous Minds" is based on her first autobiographical novel "My Posse Don't Do Homework"). I don't have the endless patience the job description calls for.

My God, I so hate Judy Sibayan.

My SOCIETY professor is very profound, and I praise and respect that. But she really could do away with all her bitchiness. To think that she's already 50 and not getting any younger...how does her rumored "Korean boyfriend" handle her?!

Maybe the better question would be if her Korean boyfriend really exists at all.


If I do become a teacher, I would probably be horrified if I inevitably turned into the uber-bitch Ms. Sibayan is.


My Tropang SX8 buddy Martin Diez is telling me to join them in next week's HCP EB in Subic, even with me just hitching along.

"Sumama ka na p're. Safe naman eh. Sabihin mo marami kang kasama."

While I'd really like to go, I don't know how it'll sit with my parents. Then again, I did manage to get their approval to drive on my own to Tagaytay for Rich and Beia's 3-day wedding weekend---with a full complement of passengers and their gear in my SX8 City, to be exact. How bad can Subic be, especially with a full convoy of HCPers going there for just ONE day?

I'm even willing to give up RWYB just to go to Subic...but DAMN I'd love to try my skill on the track. It doesn't even have to be in a proper race. Just me and my SX8 against the stopwatch would do perfectly for now.

My side still aches, faintly. I think I can feel it in my ribs.

I wonder if this is anything serious?

Thursday, November 13, 2003

More ideas came into my head about producing our thesis film when we watched "The Brothers McMullen."

I simply could not believe that this was a low-budget film. It certainly didn't feel like it. Everything felt well-done and the little flaws that betrayed it as a low-budget film were either swamped by the great story or used to good effect. Heck, I would never have noticed Edward Burns used expired 16mm film stock in the movie. It's that good.

"The Brothers McMullen" now belongs to the list of great films I seriously want to have in my collection, if I ever got around to making one. 8 years on, it still wins approval.

Monday, November 10, 2003

There's this karma system on HCP that enables people to applaud or smite other members. The aggregate number is displayed as your rating.

For months, I really had no idea why I languished with a negative rating ever since this thing came into the HCP forum. I can't see any reasons why people smote me on the boards when I did my best to help them with their questions. They probably saw me as arrogant or something...I have no idea how. I slowly got used to it though. My personal worst was at -14.

Lately though I'm surprised that my rating's slowly creeping back up to positive. Right now I'm at -4. I heard from some of my friends that there are "karma wars" being waged in HCP---basically a term for the general campaign to give everyone "applauds" and raise their ratings. While I'm thankful that my rating's climbing, I'm not so happy about how it's going back up.

I generally give "applauds" to members which really do mean well, and I give "smites" to potential troublemakers on the board, and I personally see to that. So when I came across these "karma wars," I was pretty ambivalent about it.

Maybe it's just because I feel that this "karma" thing is something to be taken seriously.

Then again, it's just a forum, it's only online.

Lighten up, JM.

Nicole Hernandez is a revelation.


Because this term she's actually my classmate...and she's been my seatmate for the past 5 weeks or so.

Truth be told, in my first couple of college years, I used to think there was nothing more to Nicole than a nice body, white skin, gorgeous hair and a pretty face. I suppose that's the way I've become prejudiced against a lot of the models and actors I see in school.

I was initially really shy when she just happened to become my seatmate in my Economics class. I guess I developed this inferiority complex around celebrities of any sort. I mean, with the notions I had of her and others of her kind, I thought she'd be a bratty bore to talk to. Boy, was I wrong.

Despite her admission of having poor memory of names, she's a pretty amiable girl. She was the one who broke the ice first, and it hit me that despite her beauty, she was pretty much normal, just the way my blockmates and I were. Nicole had much the same concerns, similar problems and the same lack of sleep I did. I actually got jealous of her because she had already finished her first degree program, unlike my blockmates and I who were just beginning with our theses.

After a while we were talking about little things: her boyfriend, her recent trip to Bangkok, how we studied in high schools in the same village, the Thais' seeming aversion to brown hair (and the reason why she dyed her hair black recently)...all sorts of things. I don't claim to know her like the back of my hand, but I know enough to realize that she's human too.

Friends have been teasing me about my having a crush on her, as ever since we were seatmates she and I have never sat apart in class. Then again, these days I have a lot of crushes, as they don't mean anything serious (and I might as well go ahead and have as much of them as I could). Still, as beautiful as she might seem, I bet Nicole isn't my ideal girl. I'd be more comfortable calling her my friend and helping her with whatever lesson she needs aid in.

I've indulged in having our new inkjet printer recently.

Amazed with the color I printed all sorts of things with the damn thing. It wasn't until now that I realized inkjet cartridges are so fucking EXPENSIVE. Buying a black and tricolor cartridge might as well land me 2/3 the price of our new printer.

Lately I've been interested in having the cartridges refilled by them newfangled ink-refilling stations, which offer the service at a much cheaper price than cartridge replacement.

Then my friend Bong shared his experience. Apparently they had their printer's cartridges refilled as well, but something went awry when they started using it again. According to him, the refilled ink "exploded" inside the printer and bogged down the vital mechanisms...to the point that they needed a new printer.

Hmmm. I might as well bite the bullet and save up the PhP2,100 needed for brand-new cartridges. Sigh...

Speaking of money, I don't have enough of it to get the things I want.

What do I want right now?

- 4 new Yokohama ES100 tires (and if necessary, decent new 15" alloy rims to replace the stock 14s on my car). More of a necessity, really.

- A new, lightweight badminton racket. My racket from 1997 is "super-heavy," according to my trainer Coach Rey.

- A PlayStation 2 with at least a memcard and Gran Turismo 3 thrown in. I've been ogling this for years and it's the cheapest it's become at just PhP13,000. "JUST" PhP13,000. Augh!

- A mini-DV video camera. This is more of a necessity than a desire as we plan to begin shooting our feature film next term. Nothing too fancy, just something with manual focus and FireWire output (for editing).

- A lightning-yellow S15 Nissan Silvia Spec-R coupe. I love my SX8 Honda City to bits, but in all honesty its D15B7 engine lacks torque down low. Besides if conditions allow, the rear-drive S15 will let me attempt drift driving. On the SX8, it's impossible.

- Tennis shoes. A sort of necessity for badminton (weird huh?). My Filas seem to be more of basketball shoes than anything else.

- A soundtrack CD of Initial D. My favorite drift-driving anime series has great, great J-pop driving music. Even if I can't perform drifts, at least I can get into that high-RPM mood.

Ahhhh...I can dream at least...

I swear, Initial D character Natsuki Mogi reminds me so much of Denise. The hair, the clothes, even the high-pitched voice.

Oh, my.

A seriously shitty Economics quiz happens on Wednesday.


Sunday, November 09, 2003

It's been some time since I last posted on Otakuboard. I have my reasons, actually. The place just isn't as inviting as it was before.

One of those reasons is Ragnarok Online. I know it's a massively popular MMORPG in the vein of Diablo/Diablo 2, and I respect that. But when an entire board devoted to anime, music, video games and Japanese goodies devotes 90% of its time to just RO, I can't help thinking OB should've just been called "The Ragnarok Online Board" and leave it at that.

It's gotten so bad that it pervades EBs. The last time I scooted over to Beia and Rich's new house (yes, they're now married), apart from talking about some pressing board matters (which I'll discuss later), everyone was talking about RO and nothing else. I am honestly shocked to see my friends having social lives worse than mine because of just one game, no matter how popular it is. After spending just two hours I wanted to go home so bad, I sped along Coastal Road at full chat.

When I heard news that a new OB sub-forum was being opened dedicated entirely to RO, I felt that was an impetus for me to leave the forums as well, at least temporarily. Beia had told me that contributors like me don't get deleted automatically even when inactive. I might just drop by once in a while...and only for a while.

The second reason is that OB can't seem to stay peaceful. That was the reason why Beia told me to go visit their house the last time.

Marc and I are especially disappointed over power-tripping moderators.

Mike and I were also blamed by one of these moderators for spilling the address to Beia's livejournal to other people, indirectly or not. I really felt enraged especially as I risked taking a beating for something I never did. Someone would have to hack my e-mail account to find out the location of Beia's LJ through me, and as far as I know no one's been able to figure out my new password.

Just so this moderator could "look clean" and acquire the power of OB administratorship, he had to antagonize everybody else. He's a heavy gamer right? Doesn't he play the King of Fighters series? For all its complicated stories that's the single pervading theme of ALL the games.

What a shame. To think I used to hold so much respect for the guy.

Eat lead, space cowboy.

This just shows how easily I can be used as some scapegoat...and I HATE IT.

Now don't people wonder why I only hang around in HCP nowadays? Despite being a big forum and despite me knowing only a handful of people there, at least they are less exploitative and a whole lot friendlier.

Speaking of HCP, they're arranging something big for their next EB come November 22. They're planning to go convoy up north to Subic, where they'll have a friendly timed RWYB (run-what-you-brung) event at the Subic International Raceway. And it's dirt-cheap too: just PhP200 for everything.

Much as I would really WANT to test my driving skills on a track with my stock SX8 Honda City, I can't. Subic is way too far for me (but I'm very willing to drive), and I bet my mom and other relatives hugely disapprove of me racing or practicing on a track. To think that there's less risk here on a racetrack than on public roads...

How do I know my heel-and-toe downshifting technique is already up to snuff when I can't even practice it on corners?

Very sad, I am.

Shit...can't I even go karting? That way it's not anyone's car I'll be abusing.

My disappointment extends to my choosing new rubber for my car.

I believe that tires are the one component of cars no one should ever scrimp on, no matter how one drives. They're the only part of the car that's actually in contact with the road, and even then their contact patches are actually no bigger than our palms.

Already, two of my OEM Bridgestone Premio 325 tires are pretty worn, and while they're now mounted at the rear (my City's a front-driver), I still managed to experience aquaplaning/skidding at moderate speed on wet roads.

If it were my own money I spent for my tires, I'd get 4 of Yokohama's ES100s or Dunlop's LM702s---not too expensive yet highly recommended. If I had the budget, I could even install new 15" rims with Yokohama's awesomely grippy Advans or Toyo's much-lauded Proxes T-1S.

As it turns out, I'm only going to be getting ONE new tire. My little-used spare (still a Bridgestone Premio 325) will be used full-time, while the deeper-treaded of my remaining OE tires will be put in the rear. I have a feeling I'll be getting a comfort-biased Goodyear NCT3 or NCT5 as my one replacement tire. Sigh...

Oh well...this is even more of a reason to graduate and get working ASAP. That way I won't be answerable to anybody else on how I use my money.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Some asshole on Motioncars.com's forums keeps being combative with everyone else.

I'm beginning to dislike that forum, actually. I'd really opt for the friendlier atmosphere of Honda Club than the take-no-prisoners knowledge wars of Motioncars. Such a shame, since I like the site.

Slept for just 4 hours last night. Had to wake up early to bring my sister to school and for our weekly powerboxing workout.

It's amazing I'm still awake. I'm betting I'll crash into my bed later and sleep right away though.
After leaving this thing for months to rot on its own, a little e-mail from a stranger got me scratching my head and wondering about it again in the middle of the night, bored on the Internet.

Thanks, Cher.

Why haven't I blogged?

It's largely because I've been busy. Aside from the all-invasive necessity to study (else I don't get employed), I've been training for badminton and doing aerobics in the form of powerboxing. So yes, I've managed to keep myself quite busy.

A big chunk of the reason is because of this blog itself though. Pam introduced me to blogging way before we were together, and after the breakup I tried shunning away everything that made me remember her. Which, unfortunately for my readers, includes this.

So there.

For the longest time I was actually wondering whether anyone read this little expanse of online journal. I mean, I always got notifications from SiteMeter.com in the e-mail but I never bothered to check out what it contained. I was pretty convinced them web-traffic morons already perused through my site and figured it wasn't worth spamming me for their business. Hah.

In a few months I'll be turning 21. Ooh boy.

Not that I'm excited about it or anything. Since when have my birthdays been more exciting than a regular school day? I'd have to be a pretty social person to have my birthday remembered by hundreds of strangers I barely even know.

Thing is, I'm largely unsocial. Hah.

Decided to drop by the Inquirer offices on her 23rd birthday last month. I had an excuse: Villamor's badminton courts were jam-packed so I couldn't train that day.

I'll be honest: I had tumultuous feelings and emotions when it came to my ex. Part of me wanted to hate her. Part of me wanted her back. Part of me craved the sex. Part of me hoped for some chance to become friends again, the way we used to be long ago.

The traffic along Pasong Tamo on the way there didn't help. It just served to prolong the agony and confusion of my feelings toward her (and cost me a fair bit of patience and gas money). When I did get to her office, the waiting just made my state of mind worse. Not to mention it was also getting late and I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.

When she did appear in front of me, it was for all of 5 minutes. (There's a reason for that; Monday is when her department shifts their guts to close their weekly section.) I'd visualized and pored over how I would act when I finally got to see her again after so long. I imagined a short friendly chat: how are you, oh I'm fine, how's everything.

Turns out all of those "plans" never materialized.

I was tired and desperate to go home ASAP, while she was being pressured with her work. I simply handed her my present, apologized for looking shabby and impatient, and said my greeting and goodbye. She did the same.

I suppose it was better that way. After that incident, I actually felt refreshed while stuck in traffic in my car going home. The confusion, the agony, the conflicting emotions were all gone.

All that remained was the realization that she'd become cool toward me, and perhaps I had become cool toward her too.

Man, can I write. It's been a while. I hope to be back for much longer this time.

Thesis is up and I have Erica and Denise as my groupmates. So far so good. I just hope our proposal draft gets the go-ahead from our mentor so we can start getting to work on the script come next term and Christmas, and start shooting ASAP.

I mentioned "script" and "shooting."

Yes, we're making a feature film.

All I can say for now is: Try thinking of "The Sixth Sense," turn it around on its head and flip it. That's what our movie is in a nutshell.

And am I proud to have been one of the driving forces behind the creation of the plot. It was one of the biggest "eureka!" moments I've ever experienced.

Am I happy?

I guess so.

Album and artist of the moment:
Sugar Free's "Sa Wakas."

These guys are great. I can sing along to their album all day and not give a fuck about annoying people. Great sound, great lyrics and what a voice.