about the talking fish

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Writer. Wheelman. Occasional DIY mechanic. Walking collection of hang-ups. Hopeless romantic. Old-school. Analog soul in a digital world. I am all of these things and more.

Friday, January 31, 2003

Great surprise yesterday afternoon.

While my sister and I were at SM City Bicutan to buy stuff after class, I picked up the most recent issue of Autocar Asean Edition magazine (January 2003).Everything was pretty much normal except the Letters section.

There I saw my first letter to the Singapore-based magazine. I'm surprised it made it almost unedited, save for a little typographical error (I was referring to their "excessive praise of the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VII," not the older Evolution II).

Am damn proud.

Hee.
---

The said pride turned to embarrassment though.

I learned that HCP's members are obsessed with nothing more than tuning and modifying their rides.

I'm beginning to have second thoughts on entering this forum. I know Honda makes performance cars for the plebeian, and that's central to their charm, but damnit, they ain't the only car manufacturer around.

Blech.
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Had my Accounting quiz this morning. Managed to figure out how to solve my professor's tricky Cost of Goods Sold problem at the last ten minutes of class time. I had to work backwards...and I finished just before the bell.

I feel damn good again.
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Am excited about the coming Otakuboard EB this Saturday. It's gonna be a whole afternoon-evening of fun. Might as well be an early birthday present to myself, too.
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Been PMing with Bluemaxx of OB these past few days. We've been in pretty similar situations regarding our recently blown relationships.

Particularly interesting was what my Malaysian pal said: I dunno too how to react with Anna. We are PMing now, friends and all...but inside me...it feels kinda weird...

I kinda know how he feels. I felt the same way when Pam texted me while I was in SM City Bicutan yesterday. She and I admitted that we felt alone, although I think she feels lonelier than I do. I did like how we were able to text about little things that happened to us, though. It felt like we were the way we knew each other before we were lovers, and that's not bad at all, I guess. It feels gratifying that we still respect each other even after our breakup.

A lot of times I still get the impulse that wants to hug her or kiss her (I am still in love with her), but I'll have to get used to respecting her in my role in her life now. It's hard but if it's ultimately for the best, I'm amenable to it.
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Rich, Beia's fiancee, ICQed me about my breakup and he had this to share: "Maraming beses na kami nakipag-breakup, but now look, we're getting married..." Those two are getting married on June 27-29, and I've been invited (and I would suppose most other OB people will be too). I wish them all the luck; they're a really great couple.
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There's this pathetic self-righteous asshole on OB that just doesn't have a life.

And I have to meet him offline on Saturday along with the rest of the gang, if only for the spirit of OB camaraderie..

Crud. Don't get anywhere near me, loser.
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Just when I thought I met all the pathetic self-righteous losers I'd know on OB, here comes a geniune self-righteous idiot with a humongous stick up his ass.

Here's a tip: DON'T GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW JACK ABOUT THE DETAILS OF THE PROBLEM. Gago ka pala eh. You are impolite and just plain wrong. Instead of helping me, you just roused my anger. Don't ever think you know me inside out, because you don't. And I sure as hell don't think the same way you do.

NOW SHUT UP AND FUCK OFF!
---

I choose to be happy. I won't let two shitheads ruin my day.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Amazing to think that when you've got all the freaking free time to surf the Internet because of long breaks, I forget to update my blog.

Blame the people at Honda Club Philippines for that. Heheheh.
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As of yesterday afternoon, Pam and I are no longer an item.

I told her that she'd changed in the span of almost a month, that she seemed averse to any sort of display of love. I was pushing the thought away from my mind, but after we made up the last time we fought, my suspicions were confirmed. I felt that whatever was troubling her inside, I couldn't help things. I couldn't make her happy...especially when I ask her what's wrong, she keeps saying "I don't know."

I really wanted the relationship to work, because by and large, I'm still in love with her. I still feel like reaching out for her, especially since it's been a month since we last saw each other. I will always love her, that's for sure. I can't hate her, no matter what I do. Maybe even better, I can't be indifferent to her. I feel that Pam's a beautiful person inside all her quirks and problems. The thing that was sad, though, was that she told me she had "a secret desire to be unhappy." Frankly I don't believe that, but I don't know what I can do to prove her wrong.

I am glad our relationship happened. I am proud to say that I never once thought about loving any other girl when I was with her. I am glad that I was able to grow up with her. Maybe I'm still immature, as Ruth once told me before, but at this point I have grown up, even just a little. I am glad that I was able to give her the love she admitted she'd never felt before, even just for five months...and I'm glad that she was the one who first loved me.

Our breakup was peaceful, void of the usual angry words tossed about, and this I can be happy about. We vowed to stay friends, but there's this dull ache in the back of my chest that longs for her, that prods me to call her or text her a sweet greeting of love. While I can certainly be her friend, right now I'm not sure if I can stay just being her friend.

Time heals all wounds, I suppose.

Pam, as a friend, I'm telling you this: Being happy is a choice. Your choice.
---

Chatted with a friend of mine last night. The thought suddenly crossed my mind about getting back with Pam again.

My answer: Why not?

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

The past couple of days I have been consumed by the desire to get even better at Percussion Freaks 4th Mix. I can't understand why blokes like me who've been playing the damn game ever since its inception can't match the skills of those who've just played the newer versions...and successfully complete the Extreme-mode songs.

Argh.

Am mentally and physically memorizing the drum line for the Extreme-mode version of "Spring."

Must...play...PF4...must...play...PF5...must...convince...Timezone...to bring in...PF 6th and 7th Mix...
---

While I was online I went here and checked the prices of new/used PF machines, out of sheer curiosity. Turns out, to purchase a PF3 machine I'd have to shell out PhP131,000, and to get my own PF 6th Mix machine I'd have to say goodbye to PhP345,000.

*faints*

Goddamnit, a PF6 machine is more expensive than my current car! Might as well try to save up for a PS2 and a drumpad controller instead...and I don't even have enough money to buy that either.

Guess I'm stuck with going to either Robinsons' Place, Glorietta 4 or Greenbelt and waiting in line and in envy at the scads of blokes who are so much better at the game than I am.
---

Pam and I have made up. I'm just happy we're finally at peace with each other.

But she's leaving for Singapore this afternoon and won't be back until Sunday.

I miss you so much, my baby...
---

When I go online nowadays and I have to use ICQ, I'm usually taking my safety precautions and remaining in Invisible mode, as to deter strangers from sending me messages.

There was this guy supposedly from Australia that I didn't meet through OB. He kept bugging me about how much I weighed, how tall I was, how often I exercised...all without telling me about himself. That was just creepy.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Don't bother me again.

Sunday, January 19, 2003

As I write this post, I just came home from my friend Bong's twentieth birthday party at their house in nearby Moonville. Turns out the party was in need of drinks, ice, chicken and paper napkins, so when I came around, I volunteered to drive Bong around Doña Soledad Ave. to look for what they needed.

When we got back to Bong's almost an hour later, we still had to wait for his other friends. Old school mates Paulo, Jared, Mac and Patrick soon arrived, as well as Kelvin, Maan and Kim with his girlfriend Gel, from Meycauayan, Bulacan province. Bar a slow start, we took to the beer and brandy. Patrick and I were the exceptions, as I brought a car and Patrick had to carry his bro Mac in their scooter home.

The party was a loose festival of drinking, snacks and singing, with Kelvin and Kim taking turns on Paulo's guitar and the rest of us singing pop songs. At some point before midnight, my new friends got drunk enough to challenge Bong to drink an entire plastic glass of iced Fundador brandy, which he gamely participated to. He downed that amber liquid straight.

Kim and the others challenged Bong to do more before they left: they had him finish off what was left of the brandy bottle, which amounted to a bit more than half a glass. Gel remarked that Bong might not handle the second dose, but he gulped it anyway. Loud cheers erupted from our little al fresco table, still unable to believe that Bong indeed downed that much brandy.

I got concerned as he looked rather wobbly already. After Bong mustered enough composure to wave Kim and the others goodbye, he sat down and hurled his dinner at the stone floor.

Twice.

All of us who were left were concerned, hovering around Bong, asking if he was okay, making him sit up straight in his chair. We simply cleaned up our mess instead, as he remained in his seat, hunched over to the side, his fist on the ground, covered with spew. Then we called his elder sister for help before I left for home.

This is the second time I've been to a drinking party, apart from my family's usual "red wine, champagne, margarita and Mule" holiday family affairs in White Plains. However this is the first time I've seen one of my friends hurl, and frankly it didn't feel good. I really felt bad for Bong, especially when he was muttering while we were cleaning up.

I'm going to wait until I'm 35 to reap the benefits of the 3-glasses-a-day-of-red-wine habit. I can't trust my soon-to-be-twenty-year-old self to drive, even with a sip of alcohol. It takes a bit of patience trying to blend in with accomplished drinkers (i.e. most of the people my age), but I suppose, given my love for the open road, maybe it's a worthy trade.
---

"I need to know the truth. Do you still love me?"

I do. I really really do. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I don't want to make you sad anymore, much more see you sad. Like I said before, you deserve to be happy.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

You say you are in a mess right now. You don't know how to get out of it. You don't know what will happen when you do.

For what it's worth, all I can say is this: You also deserve to live. You deserve to be happy too. You don't have to stay lonely and sad.

You deserve to be happy because inside you are a wonderful person. Don't say otherwise, because like you said so before, I should know. Thank you for letting me see how wonderful you really are.

One of these days, you will find you can be happy too. And yes, it's a choice.
---

May bukas pa namang darating (sa silangan may pag-asa)
At doon ako makakatikim ng saya...
Bukas, liligaya din ako
Bukas, liligaya din ako...
Isasakay kita sa aking barko
Iikot tayo sa buong mundo...

--- True Faith, Bukas Liligaya Din Ako

Friday, January 17, 2003

In the words of Professor Sherman Klump of "The Nutty Professor":

YES, I CAN!

I can choose to get over my loneliness and sadness. I can choose to live my life and do the things I have a passion for. I can choose to find my friends and meet new friends in any damn way I want.

Indeed, I can.

Now I know what my mom meant when she told me this:
The key to happiness is not that you never get angry, upset, irritated, frustrated or depressed. It's how quickly you decide to get out of it.
---

I can't believe it.

I've been watching VanDread and other anime series for so long. I didn't even realize that the lesson I was looking for all these years was right under my nose all along. How could I have been so slow?
---

My presence may not help, so I won't bug you to the point of pressure and irritation. I promise, though, that if you ever need anyone to listen to what you have in mind, you will always have my ear.

It's up to you, really, whether or not you push me out of your life.

For now, I wish you well. I will always love you.
---

This is weird.

My old Politics and Governance professor and I bumped into each other while I went on my way to buy lunch at Agno St., DLSU's "nicotine alley." She hadn't seen us in a couple of terms, so she was rather excited to see me again.

Prof: "Tumaba ka ah!
Me: "Ah, well..."
Prof: "Pero bagay sa iyo. Ang cute-cute mo!"

This last sentence she mentioned while pinching my arm. Then she bade goodbye and went on her way.

I know, even if I grudgingly detest it, that I gained weight these past few months, most of it showing on my face. But I never thought extra facial fat made me look...cute. It's like saying a pelican looks better with two pouches instead of one. And why that pinch on my arm?

Weird weird weird. Noonienoonienoo...
---

Am glad I found the company of my friends when I needed them. It turns out I didn't have to soldier through the next three months alone, after all.

Am also glad I found the company of strangers who had the time to turn an ear to what I had to share.

As long as I am alive, something good will happen. I know this now. I cannot quit on myself. I cannot punish myself. I am human, after all. I deserve to feel my own emotions. I deserve to be happy.

Nietzsche, I agree with you: I deserve to live.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

I've been away for a while, and while I have the time to blog about what's happening to me, I'd rather not.

All I can say is, I'm depressed and frustrated. The worse part is, I can't tell anyone else of the feelings that gnaw at my heart, the same feelings that have kept me in some sort of trance. I'm paralyzed because of the constant fear in my head that I might make things worse.

I'm losing sleep, losing concentration, losing money and losing my sanity.

Worst of all, I'm so plain fucking lonely.
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No one reads this blog anyway. Screw it.

For those of you who do, well...prove me wrong.
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Dammit, I wanna laugh and smile again. At least I'd be doing my mom a favor.
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Optimistic line from the loneliest anime I've ever seen:

"As long as we are alive, something good will happen!"
-- Shuzo Matsutani, Now and Then, Here and There / Ima Soko ni Iru Boku

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Now I can say it officially and with all honesty: My schedule sucks.

My day started with a 7:00am Accounting 2B class for one hour. The next four and a half hours saw me looking for things to pass the time before my 11:40am Religion 2 class. Then, after Religion class I waited an astonishingly boring five and a half hours for my sister to run out of school at 6:00pm.

What did I do with all that time at hand? Nothing constructive. I am not so proud to announce that I wasted a lot of money on video games today out of sheer boredom. I was supposed to go back home to have my car's front wheels re-aligned, but I was afraid I wouldn't make it back to school in time to fetch Bianca. Looks like my fears were unwarranted.

In time I'll use those ridiculous breaks to do my Print Prod. projects or delve into my Comm. Research paper's requirements. As of now, though, I'd rather go home and nap out, or drop by Pam's.

Sigh...
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Part of my ridiculous expense I used to buy some computer utilities for my PostScript fonts, so at least it wasn't all a waste. Also got myself a copy of Dreamweaver 3.0, which might prove useful for my Web magazine site project for Print Prod. later on.

I wonder when I'll find the motivation to get educated using Dreamweaver though.
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More than ever, I am sick of the traffic choking Manila's roads in the evenings.

Thank God for Enya. Your music saves my sanity.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

My baby's depressed from seeing her foreign cousins leave for home this week. To make things worse, they're leaving one by one on three different days.

I can't seem to do anything to ease her loss. All I can do is listen to her on the phone, as we haven't seen each other in a while.

Am sad for her too. :(
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My dad was probably right.

The day before classes resumed, he protested on my schedule this term. "Is this the best you can do?" he asked, seeing as my schedule was peppered with unusual hours-long breaks over the week. Told him I couldn't reconcile my major subjects anymore.

Now I'm finding it hard to soldier on with subjects that see me mostly alone, away from my friends and even my other classmates. A little glimmer of joy today, though, as I found a couple of my former blockmates sharing Tuesday and Thursday lunch with me.

This term's going to be a lonely one.
---

My mom keeps badgering me and my sister about migrating to the US in the near future. She says life here in the Philippines has nowhere to go but down, what with the bad crime rate and all the trash and pollution choking Metro Manila. She wants us to go to America for us to learn to be more independent, to learn how to stand on our own feet and learn the value of work and hard-earned money.

We aren't exactly willing subjects, my sister and I.

We're both so tied down by the security and warmth of our relationships here that any move overseas is going to see us in terrible disorientation. It's also going to be a massive case of culture shock trying to adapt to everything American---the highways, the people, the ridiculous sizes of everything there, even the apathy of Americans. It's not like America's any semblance of paradise for me anyway. It's probably going to kill me in the end.

Besides, I think I want to do something to help the state of things here. The Philippines is down now, so there's nowhere to go but up. In order to start and continue any sort of upward trend, though, Filipinos will need to depend on each other. Fuck politicking and those star-smattered elections, I want to do something worthwhile.

I'm not yet definite in my plans, but they sure don't include migrating to America. Not anytime soon.

Friday, January 03, 2003

And I thought today's mini-EB was going to be a drag, evidenced by many Otakuboard people's fixation with that trading card game called Legend of the Five Rings (L5R).

Good thing my good old pals there---mostly the admins and mods, in this case---were in the same bored situation as I was, what with most of the guys heavily engaged in L5R. We did swing over an old Makati mall and buy some manga at little Feata Bookstore. That was before going to Glorietta to (eherm) let them play L5R, while higher-ups Beia, Anna and Virna went with me on a "date" of our own at a coffee place, talking about RPGs, lovelives and controversial gay sex scenes in Anna's manga. I bought the 2nd volume of Initial D, car freak that I am.

Dinner at Teriyaki Boy took us around half an hour to wait for seating, but that gave me an inside look into the maintaining of the peace in OB...and things weren't as easy or as glamorous as they looked. Was rather honored as I am just a lowly member (albeit around for almost a year now) but I was allowed admittance into such talk.

Was a rather pleasant EB, in my opinion. Too bad I didn't get to meet many of the new faces.
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The less palatable side of OB reared its ugly head quite a long time ago, though, at the time when I wasn't very active in it due to school work. A friend of mine there began a gossip thread.

The very thought of a gossip thread existing in OB takes a lot of risks, especially in a forum as closely watched and guarded against any uncivil behavior as OB. Proper handling and discretion among the participants should be exercised as to not offend anyone and keep the gossip all on the fun side.

The original OB gossip thread is closed now, and I've heard the admins' stories about this particular OB member seeking the attention of others to "console" him against this admin who supposedly used her influence against him. I don't claim to know everything or believe all I've heard as I prefer to remain in the middle of it right now, but I'd really rather that the gossip thread be kept out of OB indefinitely.

The thought of a thread like that existing in a forum like OB is freaky and potentially dangerous.

Thursday, January 02, 2003

A happy birthday to my sister Bianx. :)
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I'm bored. It's been a nasty week for socializing apart from family, as I've mostly been apart from my friends, and it doesn't help that the Friday-night-out-segueing-into-sleepover plan we cooked up during the holidays isn't pushing through either, as we didn't really plan it at all.

Sigh.
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Oh, wait a tick, there's a mini-EB being cooked up at Otakuboard tomorrow. Let's see. ^_^
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A pleasant surprise: I now have links to my friends Anna, Tantan and Zeri's blogs. I didn't know they had blogs of their own until today.

Wednesday, January 01, 2003

A happy brand-spanking new year to you all. :D
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Tita Vik sent me this SMS message just before we got to White Plains last night:
"If you had sex once a day for 365 days and kept all the condoms and melted them, you can make a tire and actually call it a GOOD YEAR! Wish you a good 2003!"

Naughty naughty, Tita. But it was funny.
---

The last day of 2002 was a bit of a traveling affair for me.

Went to Pam's after lunch. The whole trip took me a mite less than 30 minutes...goes some way into proving that Metro Manila isn't really that big a city in land size; it's just the horrific population density that makes it a "megacity." Brought my PlayStation and some CDs along, too, just for something different.

I got there to a still-drowsy Pam having a stiff neck which cause we didn't know. We just sat together, ate some pomelo and talked. She gave me her old mobile phone, a Nokia 8250 with a new battery, "so you can give your phone a rest." Later on we got around to playing a round of Jeopardy on my PS and with her looking at the cars I "bought" for her on Gran Turismo 2. She particularly liked the cuirass-metallic (aka lavender) Ford Ka I got her, and I played back a replay video of one of the races I used the Ka on.

I didn't stay too long as my dad had other plans for my family that night. I did enjoy every minute of it, though. Thanks for everything, love. Happy new year, my darling.
---

"Other plans" saw me in White Plains for the traditional "second dinner" at my grandma Nanay's house with every one of my dad's relatives present...which wasn't too many to begin with.

Tita Dani and Uncle Bobby were there, like they usually were around the holidays, from Jakarta and somewhere in Switzerland (my Chinese uncle works a year for the WTO, I hear). Tita Vik was...well, she still lives with my grandma. Tito Francis and Tita Agnes were there, too, with all my boisterous cousins present.

Drank a Mule and goblets of red wine and champagne to shoo the new year in...and I could feel my face heating up in the weirdest way. I am still not good with handling my alcohol. I don't plan to drink too much anyway---I am not looking forward to getting my Honda's windshield grotesquely embedded on my face anytime soon. Make that anytime at all, for that matter.

Worth looking forward to was some quality time spent with my three cousins. Carlo, Bea and little Martin were a blast. Tita Vik mumbled that I was going to be their new favorite relative pretty soon. Hee. We'll see.

Another welcome guest was Nanay's pet Rottweiler, Zero. The big black girl seemed happy that we were all around her, keeping her away from the expendable gunpowder that was New Year's. She was still big and heavy even after talk that she was "on a diet," so that meant my little rascal cousins used her as a big body pillow. Seems Zero even knows how to snatch thrown grapes in mid-air, too.
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On the way home, the soupy clouds of Quezon City smoke from the New Year livery made driving home hard for my dad. It sure beat being in Baguio clambering up Kennon Road on a January day.

What a stark contrast to the midnight skies of Bicutan. Hardly any smoke at all was present. Papa says it's all about the difference of disposable income. True, but I bet SM City Bicutan ate all that disposable income up instead of fireworks.