about the talking fish

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Writer. Wheelman. Occasional DIY mechanic. Walking collection of hang-ups. Hopeless romantic. Old-school. Analog soul in a digital world. I am all of these things and more.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

You flirt. You seduce. You ditch your long-time boyfriend and you pick up another one in the span of one and a half months, seemingly without any remorse or effort at all.

How the hell do you do it?

I wonder how sure you are that you like this new guy who's succumbed to your affections. The whole thing stinks of a relationship on the rebound, entered into by people who don't know what they truly want.

As your friend, I just wish you fully knew and understood what you wanted, instead of letting your sex drive do the thinking for you. You and your unwitting "victims" don't deserve that.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I lead a bittersweet existence, where happiness is never total, always tempered.

I still long for the day when I can be stupidly happy. It ain't coming anytime soon. That's the only thing I know for sure.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The feeling of mutual attraction is just about the greatest emotion I've ever experienced, and it means the world to me.

Although I can't be with you the way I wanted to, I'm still glad that a couple of months on, you and I are as open with each other as we are. With you I can be myself, unedited. With me, I assure you, you can bare your soul and not be ashamed of all the skeletons you have in your closet. You said it yourself: I am a younger male version of you, and for that I feel lucky.

We can be as naked as we want to, with all the scars and wounds shown, safe and confident that we wouldn't poke at or laugh at each other where it hurts. We can be each other's sanctuary from all the weirdos and idiots on the Internet and in real life.

Despite all the heartbreak and all the bullshit life will no doubt unfairly dole out at us, we'll weather it through and remain, still having our special bond.

I love you. Belated happy birthday, my dear.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

"Oh great god of music, take away this indignation that lies in front of me."

I wish I could be genuinely, truly, madly, stupidly happy, preferably because I'm so in love with a person I can't act otherwise. Trouble is, this world seems to allow people to be happy only in small doses. Notice how we laugh so shortly, how we smile so briefly. Happiness is so fleeting, sadness seems all-pervading.

Geraldine did quote someone as saying "life is just a collection of moments." What do we do with everything else that happens in between, then? What a colossal waste.

By that same token she also told me of the dangers of letting myself get exposed like this in my blog. Owning a blog and documenting everything in it is akin to being wounded and standing naked in the middle of a street. You're left vulnerable to all sorts of weirdos who'd know precisely where to hit you so it hurts. Those who aren't weirdos and are too chicken to pick on you are free to laugh at you instead.

With this blog I wanted someone to come along who'd listen to and understand me totally, and accept me for all my faults, not simply for what I can do as if I were some sort of tool. I think I've waited far too long, and maybe it's time to admit that it simply ain't coming. I'm pretty scared I've done myself irreparable damage in the process, subjecting myself to weirdos like this. People have plagiarized entire sections of my blog already.

I still so want to believe I can be truly, genuinely, deeply, stupidly happy. And I still want to believe it won't take me my death to get there. I'm sick of feeling either a toxic cocktail of negative emotions or being practically manic-depressive.

Where am I on earth if you are not there?
Though my body has broken down
Though my heart dies, you are my rock
My God, the future that waits for me

Far away from you, life is not life
To break faith with you is to be no one

With you, I am always with you
You hold me tight, your hand in mine
You bring all things to a good end
You lead me on in your good pleasure
What is heaven to me without you?

- Hangad, "Psalm 73"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Our thesis has finally been put to bed. This means Tantan, Rachel and Leia can go to bed now as well.

We got our endorsement letters from Doc Nards tonight. All we need to do is photocopy the appendices, print out 2 more copies of the thesis, have one ring-bound and submitted to our boss Ms. Queng Reyles tomorrow. We'll submit the two other copies for the Marketing Department by lunch time, Tuesday.

We never thought it possible that we could finish our 99-page thesis this early. We were one of the very last groups to begin OJT and we were particularly indecisive about what we wanted to write as thesis, but look at us now.

All that stands in the way of graduating is thesis defense on December 3...and God, we worked hard and throughly enough not to hear the word "REDEFEND" from our panelists. We leave it up to you now.

I'm not one to count chickens before they hatch, but talking about graduation at this point is inevitable. I told Rachel I actually feared graduating, because while you're in school, you at least have something definite to look forward to, such as high school and college. But after college it'll be all up in the air, especially since a college degree just isn't a good enough guarantee to get employed these days. Sad but true.

For now, perhaps it's best to stop worrying about tomorrow. All Rachel and I have in our heads is that we've finally finished thesis. Rachel was especially fulfilled as she finished TWO theses in the span of 6 months---they successfully defended their feature film just last term. Enough reason for celebration to me.

Rachel Quinto, Leia Medina, and Tristan Ramirez: Though I wasn't always able to show it, let me tell you right now that I love you guys from the bottom of my heart. I can't imagine doing a Marketing thesis and OJT at PETA with anybody else.

Mula ngayon kayo'y aking kaibigan
Hinango sa dilim at kababaan
Ang kaibiga'y mag-aalay ng sarili niyang buhay
Walang hihigit sa yaring pag-aalay...

- Hangad, "Pagkakaibigan"

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I'm quite happy these days because we're actually finishing our thesis. As it stands we actually stand to exceed the 100-page limit and we're missing just one chapter, with the other four chapters needing just some polishing.

I really hope our defense goes well on December 3. Doc Nards will surely help us when we meet him tomorrow for revisions.

I just don't like how confused I've gotten recently. I'm at that all-too-familiar point where I don't know what exactly I want, but I feel hollow, like I'm missing something.

Do I want a relationship? Do I want to move out of my house? Do I want to get work that makes me financially stable ASAP or do I want to do what I really want to do for a living? I wish I could be truly, madly, stupidly happy---but the world just won't allow me that luxury anymore.

All I know now is that I want to sing, and I want to buy the CDs of Jesuit music groups Hangad and Bukas Palad. And yes, I want to finish thesis and get on with my life.

I absolutely love this song.

[I think I'll follow...
In the greater scheme of...oooh...]

Tired of weaving dreams too loose for me to wear
Tired of watching clouds repeat their dance on air
Tired of getting tied to doing what’s required
Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things?

Through with taking roads someone else designed
Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine
Through with going through one more day – what’s new?
Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?

I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place, so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place
In the greater scheme of things...

Each must go his way, but how can I decide?
Which path I should take; who will be my guide?
I need some kind of star to lead me somewhere far.
To find a higher dream in the greater scheme of things.

The road before me bends; I don’t know what I’ll find
Will I meet a friend or ghosts I left behind?
Should I even be surprised that you’re with me in disguise
For it’s your hand I have seen
In the greater scheme of things

I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place...

For yours is the voice in my deepest dreams
You are the heart, the very heart of the greater scheme of things...

So here I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place, so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place...

Why don’t we follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
One day we’ll find our place
For all things fall in place
For all things have a place
in the greater scheme of things...

- Hangad, "Pilgrim's Theme"

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I know I'm supposed to be doing my review of related literature for thesis right about now, but I just can't let this pass by. Besides I feel I've gone for too long without blogging.

I've never been that spiritual, and I usually scorn people who spend their days praying and praying and never doing anything else. But I have such a weakness for religious music. Whenever I hear the power of a well-sung chorus of Filipinos belting out a Filipino religious hymn, I feel it's the closest I'll ever get to God. Tears well up in my eyes and my chest aches with an inexplicable sensation of simultaneous lightness and heaviness.

My recent nights at Tantan's house with Leia and Rachel have brought out a hobby that I've wanted to do for so long. It's just that I've always denied it for some reason or other.

I want to sing. I want to join a choir and have my voice meld with the voices of angels on earth. I haven't done much in homage of God, but I feel singing would be the best thing I could do.

I realize I've always had a great voice. It's just that I never really appreciated it before others did. Now they're egging me on to sing. Maybe I'll do just that.

Any further pursuits in fulfillment of my being a frustrated performer can wait. Singing seems to be what I was born to do.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I was at the Polytechnic University of the Philippines today for my part of the survey for our thesis. Being conservative, I decided to scope out a little eatery outside the school grounds. At this time, I didn't know that PUP had a smattering of buildings around the Sta. Mesa area, and I had landed first in the Engineering and Architecture campus along Pureza St. (the nearer campus to the Pureza LRT-2 station).

After a nondescript lunch break and initial survey at the Engineering building, I went off to the main campus at A. Mabini, located a bit further down the road. This time I decided to be more adventurous. I entered the campus gates and wandered about.

In a lot of ways PUP-Main reminded me of my visit to Philippine Normal University back when I was in fifth grade. Although DLSU obviously has better facilities (it's where the high tuition goes to), there's sort of a homey atmosphere to the Mabini campus that's also alive with activity. There a Lasallian can see a few indulgences other college students have that aren't allowed in DLSU: wearing slippers, no particular dress code (or one that's a lot more lax) and smoking in the campus grounds. They were even watching TV noontime shows inside the cafeteria. PUP is also one of the few places left where you can get a full meal for PhP30. I found it all pretty interesting.

The students I surveyed are a relatively happy bunch too. The 90 or so surveyees were generally willing to answer our 3-page questionnaire. Some of them had asked where I was from and what the survey was for. When I told them I was from DLSU and it was for my thesis, they wished me good luck. One of them, a fellow Marketing major, even sat me down and talked about the most recent Strategic Marketing Conference of the Philippine Marketing Association that I didn't get to join (I was at the 2004 event).

It was a nice visit, and I enjoyed getting myself lost in the campus and taking pictures on my "new" Nokia 6600 cellphone (a hand-me-down from my mom).

PUP is OK.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

After meeting with Doc Nards and being told our stuff was still rather sketchy, I stayed over at Tantan's place this time to work on thesis, again. The survey has to be done this week.

We battered and questioned every single question and hypothesis until our heads couldn't take it anymore (or 4:30 am for mere mortals). The upshot was that we finally refined our questionnaire to accept all the recommendations thrown at us. The bad thing is I'm now rather sick of thinking of anything thesis-related, though I'm sure I have to refine Chapters 1 and 2 further.

November 25 is D-Day. Crap. Couldn't we have had thesis on some other term? Being on-time actually meant having it on the shortest term of the year, with the most vacations.

I'm feeling a fair number of things nowadays, but "good" isn't one of them.

At least I know Leia gives a great massage. I hope I returned the favor well.

It takes guts to live as honestly as one can. That I realize now after Geraldine sent me a concerned message over Friendster about how I blog.

I've heard people tell me I'm different because of how true I am to myself, that I'm "refreshing" because I don't make any pretentions. The flip side is I'm easier to hurt because I'm so damn open, hence predictable.

Still, I don't know any other way to live. I will keep waiting (not in vain I hope) that a special someone will come along and accept me for everything I am, warts and all.

At least it's comforting to know there are people I've met that come really close to that ideal.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Geraldine and my friends have already egged me on, encouraging me to figure out just how exactly I feel about you. Yet you seem to be stuck in the ghosts of the past.

As much as I admire you for your inner beauty and am smitten by how your outer beauty has grown on me, I feel I have no choice but to abandon you.

Yet you...you confuse me. I'm not sure if I should keep playing your game or drop out of it altogether.
HCP is no longer what it used to be.

I really don't like what I'm seeing on the forums. What happened to people who make sensible posts? All the newbies and adiks want these days is to get their post count up to Level Meow (10,000), and they're willing to ignore the forum rules just for this stupid, meaningless achievement.

Speaking of Meow, I found out that my friend Angiela's having her first ever bout of bulimia. Apparently this came from a recent breakup from a guy which just had to come from HCP, her stress-buster. Poor girl.

Since Friday was a holiday due to Eid-al-Fit'r (the end of the Islamic Ramadan month), I decided to invite my thesismates over to my house to work on Chapters 1 and 3 of our thesis. After all, Leia had already invited us over to her house.

It was a surprisingly productive day. Although we weren't all that efficient, we managed to send Doc Nards our draft by 7 pm. Like my other blockmates, my visitors told me my house could pass for a vacation house location in Baguio or Tagaytay because of all the wood. For food we went to Yellow Cab for a couple of calzones and boxes of pasta---decadent but very filling.

I'm just glad they enjoyed their stay.

After months of not touching a machine, I got behind the wheel of Initial D v.3 again yesterday, using nothing else but my latest car, a dark green Mazda RX-8 with black wheels. It looks so dark and menacing. Not exactly what I wanted, but it's good all the same.

The RX-8 has a lot in common with my old Honda S2000. It's a 6-speeder FR with poor torque down low, but revs to a stratospheric 9500 RPM to unleash its 250 HP, so it needs to be driven a bit differently than more usual cars such as my S14 Silvia Q's. Interesting how none of my cars so far are turbocharged...

In the span of time I was there I conquered Akina Snow, beat Shingo on Myogi (okay, that's very easy), Daiki on Happogahara and Kyoko on Tsuchizaka. Akina Snow took me 4 tries to finish, but that taught me to use less steering lock for the turns and be gentler on the gas.

Looks like I've still got the skills...

Some stranger got into the Initial D v.3 machine and used a stock Honda S2000 to make mincemeat out of all his opponents. His driving looked rough, but it was undeniably FAST. Maybe there's hope for my fully-modified S2000 after all.