about the talking fish

My photo
Writer. Wheelman. Occasional DIY mechanic. Walking collection of hang-ups. Hopeless romantic. Old-school. Analog soul in a digital world. I am all of these things and more.

Thursday, August 29, 2002

Just because of my school's stupid online enrollment procedure and its equally stupid method of schedule adjustment, I had to waste this entire day waiting for my turn to add just one fucking measly subject. Gah. This is really not worth the three hours of sleep I had to contend with to get my ass in line at the Vice-Dean's office at 7:15am.

DLSU ought to review their entire process of making schedules and online adjustment. They better make online enrollment so that you can change your CAF if anything goes wrong, then set some date in advance when it becomes permanent. That way, "adjustment" wouldn't be necessary for a lot of people.

I'm fuming mad. I've been cheated out of my hard-earned place in the queue to the Vice-Dean's by thirty or so Lasallian assholes. I actually had to go to Robinson's Place and watch "Signs" with my three blockmates to pass the time because the people at the Vice-Dean's office are just too lazy to attend to all the students lined up outside, so they had to send 75 students like me packing at 9:00am to come back at 1:00pm. To top it all off, I was too preoccupied with the adjustment queue that I actually forgot to eat lunch.

Gah! Is this what we call a "world-class institution"? World-class, my ass.

To be fair, though, "Signs" was a pretty interesting and freaky flick. We found Joaquin Phoenix so funny.

Awww, my baby...all I wanna do is to make you smile and forget all the weird people in your life...

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Felt so drained after my two finals exams. Accounting 1B was three hours' worth of utter hell. It didn't help that I had my Politics and Governance finals just half an hour afterward, which would have been cool if I actually studied for it instead of focusing all my attention on stupid accounting.

I still feel the brain drain in my head while I'm casually surfing the Web and accessing some sites. It's that bad.

Stupid girl says she's not angry with me anymore and that she's okay now.

Damn it, she has the nerve to say that...as if she actually has the right to get angry in the first place. Why on earth should you be fucking angry? You didn't feel betrayed. You didn't feel abandoned. You didn't feel like your trust had been broken. You didn't even feel anything but weird, seeing as I slapped your accounting practice set books onto your table.

Don't you dare tell me you're not angry with me anymore, because you never had the right to. And you had to say this just when I was considering making up with you.

You treat me like dirt. I should've known that a fucking long time ago.

I want to be with my lady...now that my term's over, all I want to be is her lover...

Friday, August 23, 2002

I've had a ridiculously shitty day.

Flunked my second Philosophy quiz, and even if I grab top honors for that bonus-points quiz he gave us I'd still be in the doldrums by one freaking point.

Learned from Denise that college "friends" might just turn out to be grade-conscious vampires who can turn on you just to obtain a lousy extra five or so points. And I thought I actually meant something to her at least as a friend. If that's the case I'd rather not speak to you ever again.

Still being hounded by my as-yet-unfinished Accounting practice set, which, thanks to valiant efforts of photocopying and whatnot, everyone else was able to submit today. Sigh.

And yes, we did lose the basketball game today against UST...no, wait.

We won. Yes, DLSU won. I was ready to throw in the towel by the fourth quarter, actually, seeing that they had led by as much as 18 points and kept a consistent 10-point lead until the last quarter. I never thought we'd be able to make up a game where they had led almost every single minute. Then overtime came...and they made a believer out of me.

My heart goes out to UST because I was seated with them and they seemed so hungry for the win...and their superb playing and raucous cheering proved it. I had to wonder for a while whether or not DLSU was actually worth cheering for, since we rather lacked the spirit of school support, not to mention also had the slowest cheers.

Pam, Ruth and their wonderful friends (forgive me for not being able to post links to all your blogs) were there making fun of me after the game, telling me that I was an unlucky charm for their team since I was from DLSU and seated with them. But hey, you gotta admit I was taking pretty cool pictures of the UST Growling Tigers...in fact I downed an entire roll on them...my best film, even...

Here's to a DLSU-UST finals match.

Love, thanks for being here with me. I know I was impatient with you at the game, but I can never really stay angry with you for so long...I love you so much. Thanks for understanding and listening to all my problems. You mean so much to me.

At least my shitty day ended on some high note.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Took a couple of quizzes I got from Gabby's blog. Both were mildly hilarious.

You are 16% geek
OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Here's the second one:

I am 21% evil.
Take the test :: koolplace.com

Hahahahaha. At least I'm smiling.

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

"Cannot believe there was a time you thought you had been born to be a better friend than lover. You amaze me. You are so giving and so selfless and so sensitive to my needs. While as a friend you are wonderful, as a lover you are the closest there is to perfect. Am grateful I crossed the line with you. 'Us' might just be the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you, JM."

This was a text message Pam sent me before I went off to sleep at 3 am. Honestly, I felt so touched. Whatever shades of drowsiness I was feeling back then I felt like pushing away. I wanted to call her one last time, just to tell her how I felt.

Not long ago, I remember posting on PEX about yearning for someone to love, someone who could love me in spite of my craziness. I feel like I've found her, really, and the bewildering part is, I didn't even know that she was with me all this time.

When I read this message on both my cell phone and her blog, I realized anew and with a greater passion that there would be no one else in my heart; no one else my lady would have to be worried about; frankly, no one else who'd matter in my life.

I love you, my lady. I'm yours.

People have been writing about me and Pam online. Even my friends at Otakuboard have noticed my blog and have been badgering me to spill details on our relationship. Hell, even my classmates are happy for me.

I know many of those who've written about our relationship know Pam better than they know me, but I'd like to use this opportunity to thank you all, in spite of my stranger status. All your well-wishing means a lot to me, too.

Am planning to watch the UST vs. DLSU basketball game on Thursday right after my class with my lady. I'm still not sure of how things might work since it's still a busy week, but I do hope things push through.

Ruth gave me a warning not to break Pammy's heart. Honestly, I feel scared of her.

I wouldn't do anything to break her heart, though...at least, not intentionally. Pam means too much to me. I wouldn't want her to be sad, because we make each other so happy...

Saturday, August 17, 2002

I just had a wonderful, wonderful date with my love last night.

I forgot the arduous ordeal of getting my little blue car to Glorietta 4 through Friday's horrendous traffic. I forgot my jitters before the date and my worries about how I'd act. I even forgot my relative hunger from skipping a real lunch. All I remembered was Pam beside me all the time, in three predominant locations: at Taters for dinner; while watching "About a Boy" at the cinemas, and in my car making out, giving me my first ever kiss.

I saw a side of myself I had never experienced anywhere else but in my dreams. In the dark, I was kissing her hands and fingers, stroking her hair, staring into her dark eyes. I would've slapped myself silly anywhere else, but with her it felt so so right, as if these were what I was meant to do for her. I found the full extent of her soul with me as we leaned our heads on each other. I felt her heart beating through the soft swell of her chest. Everything about my darling was soft, supple and gentle, and really worth protecting. I felt nothing but love and peace with her...

We made out in my car. It was so beautiful, feeling her drink my soul into hers...her lips so full and soft, our bodies melting into each other separated by the two seats. My first ever kiss ended with us yearning for more of the act she deemed more intimate than sex itself. She told me I was great with my lips...I told her I guess I've been watching too many romantic movies.

This isn't a movie anymore. This is real.

I love you, my princess.

[On a side note, "About a Boy" was a marvelous film, hugely funny and touching, but I have to admit I absorbed only around 70% of all the details. I got the gist of the story and their names, but don't tell me to enumerate the nitty-gritty of visual artifacts. I did love the soundtrack though. Badly Drawn Boy is a very good act. "Silent Sigh" is a double thumbs-up.]

I feel like overhauling my blog's look. Honestly it's beginning to look garish. If I only had any semblance of handling HTML the same way I could handle PageMaker or InDesign...

Maybe I should leave such drastic changes for until October 7th. That's when my blog turns one year old.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

You will never lose me, my love. I will never do anything to hurt you, not even if we're not a couple anymore.

You brought it up yourself: Are we friends who love each other or are we friends in love with each other?

The important thing is, we'll always be friends, my darling Pammy. Even if the relationship has to fail for some reason, the core of our co-existence will never disappear. I will never leave you, love. I guarantee you that I will always be as open with you as I already am with you as my lover.

Am looking at a very busy weekend.

Tomorrow, I have a movie-and-dinner date with Pam I have to schedule with my parents.

On Saturday, I have an acquaintance party to go to for The LaSallian. One I am frustrated to find out that, even after ditching an important Philosophy seminar, only two of us newswriters will attend. Sigh. I am annoyed.

On Sunday, I have to go to the University of the Philippines in Diliman, Quezon City, to watch a play meant for the consumption of two subjects.

On top of that I have a final paper in Philosophy to write, a practice set for Accounting 1B to finish, a term paper for Literature 2 to type, and I have finals exams on the 26th to the end of the month.

The good thing is, though, this hellish term's finally going to be over. No more Dean's List status, but the term WILL end. I hope I don't fail anything in the process, especially that goddamn Intro to Philosophy.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Was so listless today. I slowly felt like sleeping in my classes the whole day. Are relationships this taxing on one's sleeping habits? I just had to ask...

Pam, we're going to have to take our relationship slow and gentle. I don't want you to worry too much about me, because we'll have our days together. Right now, though, let's take it slow and gentle. You know how much I want to be with you, but schoolwork pulls me away. I don't want to distract you from work, either.

You know I love you so much...trust me, we'll have our quality time together.

Had the most terrifying drive of my entire life.

I don't know what kept my school from calling off classes until it was too damn late. As a result, every fucking street in Makati is flooded at least ankle-deep, and traffic's at its absolute worst. I had to drive through at least seven streets to get myself to the South Expressway, and what a drive it was.

My clutch foot was shaking and trembling in constant fear as I fought to blip both clutch and throttle alternately to keep my little Honda's engine above 3000 revs and avoid stalling. With nothing but murky brown floodwater and a gaggle of crawling cars constantly in front of me, I was wondering when I'd break any of my car's components: radiator, clutch plates, throttle, even the entire engine block. My ears were averse to the loud sloshing and slapping of dirty floodwater around my Honda's electric blue bodywork. Worst of all, I was in fear of the flood swallowing my car's ridiculously low and short hood, taking me, my sister and my blockmates Rachel and Zeri with it.

I finally got to the Expressway, relieved and cathartic. The brakes felt spongy awash with all that water in its discs, and the engine was getting pretty asthmatic at top gear, but I was just glad my blue City was still in one piece. Thank God, thank God for bringing me home.

I have you, a lover and a friend
You are everything I need
You are the song of the air I breathe
Without you, I wouldn't be the same
Please never go away
And if you go,
Then don't forget to take me with you...

You are my life's reward...

---Basia, "Reward"

Monday, August 12, 2002

That was so beautiful, Pam. What we had last night and this morning is something I'll never forget. I've even made sure I wouldn't ever forget...

I have never felt more loved in my entire life. Please do not think of yourself as my training wheels. For me, you are my ridden bike itself. No matter what happens to us, I'll always love you...you'll always haunt my heart, tugging at its strings gently yet firmly.

Make me feel again
Slide across my skin again
Let me uncover you
To rediscover you

And I will open up
If you promise to give in
On this perfect night
Let the two of us be one

We will be again another time
No matter what all the others say
And I will leave it all so far behind
Just to be with you today...

---Hoobastank, "To Be With You"

Sunday, August 11, 2002

I've had more midnight conversations with Pam ever since she told me she loved me. Turns out I wasn't looking for help on how to organize my lovelife with my crushes...the person I loved was talking to me all this time after all.

I'm not sure whether or not I can still defend what I posted before, about Pam and I not being anything more than friends. Truth be told, I think she's wonderful. She's the first person I've found with whom I can be so open, no inhibitions or fears whatsoever. With me, that counts a lot. I've been deluding myself into falling in love with women I knew I liked from the outset. Because I know I like them, though, that means I've been trying to show all the positive sides of me and not my faults. I can't live with that.

We're both afraid of what we've realized though. Pam is afraid that she's getting into a relationship in a time when she should be numbed by relationships of any kind, and yet here I am confusing her. As for my own fears, I'm not afraid of losing myself in her, but I'm afraid that my "one chance" with her had to be spent this way, in potentially my first relationship. I remember all that talk about not taking a first relationship seriously, but now that I'm here it's rather hard to follow my head.

We agreed that if ever we didn't delve into a relationship, we'd still be with each other. That's enough solace for me, actually. I'm just grateful to Pam for showing me what reciprocated love feels like...because I've had enough of giving my love to stone statues.

You know I love you. I just want to be with you. You're the only person I haven't felt a twinge of cynicism, cheesiness and doubt saying "I love you" to. I want to walk with you through the streets of Hong Kong. I want to hug you and kiss you on Victoria Peak. But if you don't share my optimism, I just want you to know I'll always be your friend.

Came across some stuff that might mean Pam and I are meant for each other.

Want To Know Which Element You Are?

You are Spirit!

Truly a rare breed, you're calm and thoughtful
but still know how to live life. Things are taken slowly but your large list of experiences (yours as well
as others) can help you adapt to new situations with little trouble or people being hurt. Unfortunately,
you're the most likely to ignore yourself over other people. Emotions rule you, and though you are quick
to kindness, your anger could scare the fiercest of creatures. Learn to relax a bit and live your own life.

Best Match: Fire, they'll pull you out of your shell and teach you plenty of things in life.

Worst Match: Water, they're too intent on their emotions to notice yours.

wasted a bunch of time making this test.

She took this test and got Fire. Was never one to take these seriously, but I guess this is an exception.

Friday, August 09, 2002

Had a blissful phone conversation with Pam at midnight. Now I realize what you really meant when you told me you loved me, and now I realize I love you too. You're the friend I wish I had a very long time ago. Thanks for helping me sort out my confounded lovelife.

The pact is on.

Thursday, August 08, 2002

Seems like my last post about Pam's "I love you" confession has been receiving its fair share of readers...and respondents.

My best friend texted me while I was driving home from school. "Y r u so afraid of a commitmnt? U wnt get anywhere if u always prefer to be on d safe side...open up 2 her, she may b d best girl 4 u..."

Another friend told me he saw Pam's reply to my last post. He had a lot in mind he wanted to say, but he told me the general idea that she was "protecting her ego."

All I can say is: HUH?!

First of all, Pam and I are nothing more than friends. She's actually the first online acquaintance I've made. She and I may be close and we make each other the topic of our blogs every so often, but we're nothing more than friends. Pam was first to decline my casual offer of being her boyfriend a long time ago, saying that I'd have to make some pretty unreasonable changes to my life to accommodate her (e.g. she regularly stays up until 5 am, while I can't do the same thing because of health reasons).

Second, Pam already knows the girl I've been eyeing. It's a coincidence that both of them study in the same university. While I've been rather tentative about "making my move" on my crush (because of certain ascribed factors), she's actually been egging me on to go out and court her already.

Third, from what I know, Pam's had enough of relationships, at least for now. Read her blog. She personally told me over the phone that the last guy she'd been hoping to see was an asshole she just couldn't take anymore.

Fourth, all I said in my blog was that "love is a heavy and yet vague word." I've become afraid of the consequences of misinterpreting the very word when it's told to me by female friends. Pam said so herself: she never meant to say she wanted me in her life as her boyfriend. All I meant was that I thought love, as a word, has been grossly overused by a lot of people, and that I did not want to spoil an otherwise good friendship with a simple misinterpretation on my part (which I've done too many times). If Pam were to use "love" as freely as she did with me, I would best make do with an explanation, which I got from three sources: her blog, from herself and from my friends at Otakuboard.

After defending my own position, I feel like those showbiz personalities getting into rumors, scandals and controversies all the time. It's tiring.

Pam used to tell me her reasons for shunning guestbooks and comments on her blog. She told me that the moment one puts these on, the blog often becomes too centered about what the visitors think. I think she's right. I could care less about receiving my share of Net traffic and what people think of my scrawlings, just as long as I can stay true to myself. This is the only place I can even do that, goddamnit. This is the only place where I can openly bitch about what I feel without anyone getting hurt.

To cap off, here's a quote that should kick my would-be critics in their pants: "Never edit yourself."

Frankly, I've been denying myself that rule for too long.

Learned that my professor in Literature 2 held high regard for me. I was doing this report on the elements of poetry, scribbling on the board all the time I was talking. She said I lectured more like a professor and less like a student. My eyebrows arched up in reluctant affirmation and I asked her why. She told me she couldn't lecture and write on the blackboard at the same time even without her allergy to chalk dust.

I went home that Wednesday in high spirits. It's not everyday that I get complimented.

Been digging through my "Literary" folder and I saw half-baked and barely started short stories that were cooking in my imagination back when I was still in high school. That's one of my weaknesses, I suppose. I come up with great story ideas but I am bad at developing and closing them into full short stories.

There's this particular story I still feel the creative fires for, though. It's based on a story I read in Glamour magazine back in 1997, one where a petite New York stockbroker confessed to having had 240 blind dates. I really felt for the girl. I figured maybe I should write something about her life and give it some sense of closure.

Hah! I was one to talk. I was never a good closer in the first place. Maybe I can prove myself wrong this time though.

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

Finally got to talk to Pam once again, after what seems like a whole month of silence.

Our conversation on the phone was nothing special, just the usual chitchat we used to have before. Turns out we had missed each other through our bad phases---she was depressed over this sorry relationship with an equally pathetic guy, and I was once again heeding the little imp in my head telling me to kill myself. We were equally glad that we'd weathered our own personal storms.

Had to cut our midnight conversation short because I had class early today. She texted me after my call like she used to before. I didn't expect the text message to read what it read, though.

"Hope this doesn't weird you out...but I love you JM."

I honestly didn't know what to say at first. Not that I found Pam weird, mind you. It's not even the fact that a girl friend of mine told these things up front to me that's shocking.

It's just that I've had this knack for getting myself in trouble for reading too deeply into things like these. Besides, love is a heavy and yet vague word. I guess I slowly conditioned myself not to believe in love anymore, because I always become too afraid of the consequences. Or maybe I even learned sometime in my life how to throw away my real feelings just to be a more tolerable member of society. Worse, perhaps I'm just too naive, or even too afraid.

Pam, if you're reading this, please don't feel offended. It's just that I tend to take these things in the wrong way most of the time, and I invariably mess up. I miss you, I enjoy being and talking with you, and I appreciate your accepting me into your life, but please don't tell me you love me. At least, not just yet. I still have a can of worms in me you don't know about.

"Friendship is not about looking for gold or silver among the rocks of life...it is about seeing each other's coal through the fire until diamonds are formed."

Sunday, August 04, 2002

Went to the Enchanted Kingdom theme park yesterday with my classmates and friends for a "make-up class" for Physics. (That could've sounded like a really bad excuse, but it was supported by a school waiver.) Had an amazing head rush trying out the rides. Had an even bigger head rush from taking such cool pictures, too. Can't believe it's been seven years since I last visited the damn park. In a lot of ways I felt like a kid again today.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Had to attend this talk on illegal gambling yesterday at U-Break (Wednesdays, 1:00-2:30 pm, when everyone in DLSU is free from class). A supposed member of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's cabinet was going to give his points. I was curious enough anyway, so I up and went.

Ugh. The problems started when we had to get into the damn North Conservatory. The air-conditioned venue was never really meant to host such a large audience, as it is usually a full student hangout almost all the time. So many classes were required to attend the talk and all had to trudge in line to have their names and ID numbers listed down. With that volume of students, it’s expected that the Conservatory would be full. What I don’t understand is why the organizers never bothered to set up more chairs to seat all the students. Many of us had to sit on the marble floor, as all the provided seats (inadequate in the first place) were located only along the middle aisle. Hmmm…

To make things worse, the Cabinet member showed up really late. I already had an exhausted 30-minute nap and our guests still weren’t there. U-Break was quickly running out.

Finally our guests arrived…and what an entrance they made, escorted by Manila’s top police officers. Typical.

The city mayor spoke first. Turns out he didn’t have to speak too long for me to pick the contents of his mind. All he talked about were his accomplishments and how the smallest and most ridiculous violations, like peeing in public, had to be apprehended. He said so in this annoyingly loud voice, fit for campaigns but not fit for intellectual gatherings. Uh-huh. I don’t even see the point of his being there.

Next up was the head of the school’s system. I thought he’d cut the bullshit and get on with it, but no… All he had to do was to introduce Mr. Cabinet Member, yet he numbered all the guest’s accomplishments from time immemorial. Never have I heard an introduction worth 5 minutes. Just goes to show that even my school has its share of nitwits in its faculty. Wait a minute…was he really DLSU faculty or Mr. Cabinet Member’s campaign manager?

Finally the main event came on the podium—with 15 minutes of U-Break remaining. The organizers never seemed to think about the audience’s schedules. They never thought that MOST OF US HAD CLASSES AFTER U-BREAK. By this time I knew I wouldn’t listen to the guy anymore, whether he’s the secretary of local government or the secretary of my school’s president.

Turns out I was right. Nothing he said was new to my ears. With ten minutes to my Sociology class, I left.

I wonder how many other clowns like Mr. Mayor and Mr. Cabinet Member exist in Philippine government. It’s no wonder why so many Filipinos prefer to leave for other countries rather than stay here and endure the discomfort.

My new computer just froze on me a while ago, the exact freeze my old Pentium 2 used to drive me crazy with. I am scared. Don't tell me this means having to buy yet another computer.