As it turns out, the second half of my ACCOM1A midterm wasn't as hard nor as nerve-wracking as the first. At least I can rest a bit. After all, it's the math subject I expect to use to boost my GPA (even for just a little bit). Felt great.
***

Looks like a long Saturday ahead of me. I'm going back to Fort Bonifacio tomorrow morning, for ROTC and our Navigator/Model Battalion units' training. That's going to last me until noon. Then I have to go to DLSU and watch this play at neighboring St. Scholastica's College at 3:30 pm. I wonder if I'm going to drift off to sleep inside the St. Scho auditorium --- not because of the lethargic atmosphere, but because of exhaustion.

Have to guide my mom to the North Conservatory at DLSU, too. She's attending this talk while I'm sweating away at Fort Bonifacio. Goodness.

My sister's gone for three days starting yesterday. She's on her class retreat somewhere in mountainous Batulao, near Tagaytay City. Hope the whole thing's worth it, because Zobel overcharges for everything. Moreover, this is going to be her last retreat for a long while. College doesn't allow such extravagance.
***

Had a "date" yesterday with my favorite aunt, Tita Vik, sort of a late birthday present. We met at the Shangri-la mall in Mandaluyong. Had some pasta, pizza and a panini, then went shopping. Nothing much really, although I wish we could've done a little more. Later on I was surprised that I got her old PlayStation when my dad got home from Grandma's.

Thanks for everything, Tita!
***

I am seriously not happy. I botched my crucial tests --- a first-part midterm for ACCOM1A (Accounting 1) and a quiz in ALGE101 (Algebra 101). Worse, I have the second part of the ACCOM1A midterm tomorrow. Fuck. I doubt I'll be able to retain my Dean's List status. Not that it really matters to me, though, but it's something for my resume. Then again, my resume would look better if I joined an org or two while I'm here...

Oh, yeah, I found out from The Spark's purity test that I'm actually 75% pure. Is that good or bad? You try it.

Me? I just think it means I'm too innocent.

What a week it's been.

For some reason I've been my very melancholy self this week. In a week full of significant reasons to be happy --- my turning nineteen, my blockmates' birthdays, Valentine's Day, College of Liberal Arts Week --- I've felt really lonely and detached from other people. I've felt very distracted and out of focus, wondering why sudden mood swings grip me on the very week they shouldn't.
***

Last Monday I turned nineteen. I was plainly surprised to see how much people went out of their way to greet me or treat me, because I've gotten so used to too many people forgetting. I even received a couple of gifts from blockmates (something I really did not expect). Denise's gift was particularly interesting: she gave me a copy of 365 Days with the Lord. She told me in her letter that God was the only one who kept her together. Well, the book was great for reminding me how much of a heretic/skeptic I've been...and it's not that I resent what my current religious alignment is.

I then get so disturbed by my age. I am goddamned old yet I have no proper lovelife to speak of. I haven't gone out on a date, much less courted a girl. I get tons of friends with whom I am not close with, even after spending the better part of most days with them. I am fiercely jealous of other people who, after only a few weeks, are better off with my own friends than I am with them.

I'm sick of living my life in a freaking bubble cage, restrained by the fear of being hated and rejected. Yet I know I am powerless against my own prison. People simply know me as an endless supply of things they need as of the moment, be it Mentos, yellow pad paper, or the explanation of "mutual assured destruction" in International Studies.

It's a sickening realization. It makes me want to kill myself. The only thing that stops me is my own fear of death.
***

Last Tuesday, Leslie and I treated the entire Zen barkada out to lunch at Jekyll and Hyde's, since we shared the same birthdate (I'm exactly a year older). Without my Chinese friend, I don't think I would have been able to pay for the lunch of 14 people single-handedly.

I look back at my entire stay in DLSU and I then realize that I haven't spent my time with my friends well enough. Just one look at Leslie provokes this stab of melancholic thought. Way back in first term I actually thought we got to know each other as friends. Somehow I got so distracted. Now, two terms later, I feel I am nothing more than someone who helps her foot the lunch bill; just that funny dark guy who gave her a bag for her birthday for the heck of it; who happens to share her birthday.
***

On Valentine's Day morning, I fumed with anger and fear.

The expressway had a fork up ahead: the left side going to Manila; the right ramp going to Makati and Quezon CIty. This old man in a champagne-gold 1991 Pajero wanted to squeeze into my left lane apparently at the last possible moment. I closed him off, since last-minute swervers like him were usually taken care of by the police. He kept flashing his headlights and honking his weird horn at me. Already annoyed at this man's stupidity, I flashed an angry middle finger.

Oops. He must have seen my angry gesture, since he angrily drove up alongside me and lowered his window. I kept my eyes on the road, avoiding his mean look, revving the engine, looking for a fast breakout in bad traffic. I tried accelerating away but too many slower cars blocked me. He turned on his red siren inside the SUV, doggedly following my every move.

At first I got scared out of my wits, fearing that he might be some old fart higher-up in some government agency. But I slowly composed myself; I remembered acquiring sirens here in the Philippines costs just PhP16,000 without regulations. Why are you so angry when what you did was so goddamned wrong in the first place? I muttered inside my glass cockpit. I dug around my glovebox to find and wear my mom's old tortoiseshell shades. I couldn't shake him off until I was well past the Osmeña-Buendia intersection. Apparently the old fart lost me as I quickly dove into Filmore St.

It's people like that old fart that I really hate. Then again, what I did wasn't exactly correct either. But can someone really arrest me for simply flashing him a FUCK YOU finger? I better not do that again. I might just get shot from behind while driving.
***

Later on that day, I played basketball in PEFORTS and sunk a freak long jumpshot/three-pointer. Fucking lucky fluke. No matter, I felt great afterwards.
***

This week I rediscovered Otakuboard after registering last July and forgetting my own password for the longest time. It's a pretty small board compared to the gargantuan PinoyExchange, whose Electronic Gaming members I'm really getting annoyed with. They oppose everything I say without thinking about what I write.

Otakuboard's been pretty okay actually. Still I have to spend more time posting and reading others' posts in order to truly appreciate their members.
***

Perhaps that's what I need to do. I need to get away from Zen and PEX, and meet new people. But how many times have I said that without thinking of the many people I've met who simply used me? It's not to say that I hate my Zen friends and PEX as a whole...but I feel so stifled. All my life I've always lived in a small world, involuntarily or voluntarily composed of only so many friends. I've never really understood why.

Do my online friends count? All I have to say is, all online acquaintances/friends MUST re-introduce themselves upon meeting in real life. It's essential. So online friends sadly don't count. Words sent through e-mail, text messaging or chat can only go so far.
***

I miss my friend Mitzi.
***

I want to join an org. Something really rewarding, please. I'm thinking of joining the DLSU Chorale since I had my LEAP class with them (and I sang pretty good bass). My block is only going to go so far, and my intense attachment to LC24 and Zen is only going to estrange me from other people after we inevitably get de-blocked in two terms' time. I want to feel what it was to be part of Counterpoint back in Zobel: one big, happy family of us editors, my staff and my friends. Sigh.

Now that I think about Zobel, I really really miss Mitzi. I want to visit her in Ateneo. But I don't have the goddamned time. Might not have the patience to make it through the "hellish" traffic of Katipunan Avenue either. But I really miss my senior year classmates. (an even bigger sigh)

Been sick for five days since Saturday. After my six-month struggle and cure with TB, kuya JM got something worse. I got asthma.

Apparently I got it from all the dusty books and magazines I kept in my room all this time. What's a guy to use to entertain himself at home when his room's got no TV, an old boombox with a defective tape player, no CD player and no computer? Sigh...sometimes I wonder if I should just go out on gimmicks in place of reading the February 1980 edition of Reader's Digest or Popular Photography.
***

Erik's turning nineteen today. I gave him volume 3 of Lone Wolf and Cub, an old manga that's probably Rurouni Kenshin's grandpa. Bloodier and more visceral without that morality crap. He loved it.
***

To my honest surprise, PEFORTS (PE 4: Team Sports) is making a basketball fan out of me. I used to regard it only as something I should watch and not play. Looks like my lay-up shot's getting better, too.

I feel a surge of Filipinized blood coming into me...
***

Turning nineteen myself in three days' time. A lot of things have happened since my last birthday: graduation, college, the World Trade Center snafu, the Zen barkada...but all that takes a back seat to what I think is the best thing I've done while eighteen. I actually became a better brother to Bianca.

Lately we've been doing things I never thought we'd ever do. Just last night I skipped studying for an Accounting quiz to help her with her class' movie promotional materials --- leaflets and posters. (Yes, my sister and I had to shoot movies for Filipino class in De La Salle Zobel. Call us the school of the infamous "new rich" and the children of stage parents. My HS teachers don't fucking care.) Before all that we bought flowers, crepe paper and had her photos developed. We were together all the while. And after that, we watched the PBL finals.

Must be getting better at this brother thing.

It's been a while since I last posted. Gee, I never realized that I was so busy spending our Internet account on meaningless trash.
***

The great Mr. Isagani Cruz, my literature prof, told us to prepare any Filipino novel for our term paper (as long as the writer resided in Manila). I took F. Sionil Jose's Viajero. I read it over the weekend and I was riveted to the white book. I haven't finished it yet but I could well be done with it by tomorrow.

I can't help but think that Sionil Jose went overboard with his depictions of sexual encounters. Not that they were very graphic, and certainly not that sex is what his entire novel is about, mind you (we have a very conservative Filipino readership here). It's just that sometimes sex pops up in the plot for no apparent reason. Hmmm.
***

Last Tuesday I was at Glorietta again. I managed to leave the plave PhP500 poorer. Just because of my goddamned addiction to Percussion Freaks 4th Mix...!

But seriously, I went there primarily to buy my presents for my Zen friends Anna and Leslie. (A lot of my blockmates share my birthmonth.) After I bought the goods I went to the food court, had grilled chicken paella and left. It was not until much later that I realized I had left the bag of gifts back at the food court.

Sprinting from Glorietta 2 to Glorietta 4 as fast as I could, I was relieved to see that the dining family next to my table had my shopping bag with them. Panting, I asked about the bag that may have been mine. They recognized me and said that it was indeed mine. I thanked them profusely.

With crime, robbery and kidnapping at an all-time high here in the Philippines, it's nice to know that there still exist good-hearted Filipino strangers.
***

I am beginning to hate my third term at DLSU. We've got some of the worst, most boring professors. My blockmates find it hard to stay awake during GENPSYC (General Psychology) and BIOARTS (Biology Lecture). As for me, I simply stay awake --- much as I detest forcing myself to do so --- because I feel so sorry for these boring individuals, whom we have to put up with in order for them to get their pay.

Another Wednesday, another grand gimmick. Another lavish amount of money spent on mundane things. I just can't help it. With only two periods and dismissal at 10:30 am, I can't resist the urge to get in my pet Corolla, shift into gear and drive to Glorietta. I know it's a bad habit...:(
***

I got to watch American Adobo today (today's its first showing). Great fare for a Filipino movie.

I found the movie reminiscent of Amy Tan's book The Joy Luck Club, only this time the main characters are all Filipino-American. It talks about the lives of five very different New York Fil-Am friends, and the various personal problems they face. It's all done quite intimately and realistically and with only a scant measure of pretentiousness, which is great kudos for any Filipino movie. The American actors were pretty great too --- they lent themselves to some hilarious situations.

Great, great movie. I'm very proud of this piece of celluloid.
***

Lately I've been giving a lot of thought about the prospect of death. I know it's rather morbid to talk about something so conclusive, especially at my young age (I'm turning 19 three days before Valentine's). Manila is a rather dangerous city to live in, however. Life isn't an "ensured" condition here; you can get hit by stray bullets on New Year's or get kidnapped while commuting.

Just yesterday, a security guard at DLSU was shot dead five times in the head at point-blank range. He was shot by this driver-bodyguard of a DLSU student who's supposedly the kid of a congressman. All the guard did was instruct the driver to move his SUV because he was impeding traffic in busy Taft Avenue. The worst part is, three of my blockmates witnessed the grisly event.

Scientifically speaking, what happens to us --- our consciousnesses --- when we die? Even as a Christian, I find the thought of my soul going "somewhere else" after my death very hard to believe. Sometimes I think that's overly romantic bullshit. Do we simply go into an endless sleep either after a painless bullet in the head, or a brutal beating?

We exist only upon our conception, birth and consequent life. We were nothing before that. That probably means we will return to nothing after we die. No heavenly ecstatic glory, no redemption, no eternal damnation in hellfire and brimstone.

Even more distressing is the possibility that all life on Earth --- and all life in the universe for that matter --- may have been just an accident. So far, we earthly organisms are the lone life force in the universe. In our search for other intelligent life, we may just be wasting millions of taxpayers' dollars not looking for needles in haystacks, but looking for any light in a total vacuum. Simply stated, we may be the only intelligent life in the universe...owing more to the possibility that Earth's life-bearing composition and all living things are simply an accident.
***

I'm not saying that I accept everything I've typed here tonight. It seems such an insignificant venture, living our lives simply because we were goddamned fucking accidents. It's also pitiful to most of us humans that everything we were, are and may be --- our "souls" --- can simply disappear all in the space of one day.

Like Americans, we pride ourselves as something special, something different. Americans boast of their being "God's people." Arabs pride themselves as the true heirs of Abraham's legacy via his true son Ishmael. Jews proclaim that it is their forefather Isaac and not Ishmael who is Abraham's true son, and I personally find it immature and discriminatory of the Jewish faith to declare with beaten chests that Jews are the only people to be liberated by God.

Try watching the movie Ghost in the Shell and you'll probably get my drift. Someday computers will gain sentience --- a mind of their own --- and maybe gain feelings and experiences of their own making. When that time comes we will ask the question: If our definition of humanity is based on our memories alone, what is it about us humans that is so special? Are we not all fundamentally information? Getting to the microscopic level, even our DNA is simply a self-replicating code of information.

What then makes us humans so special? No one seems to be able to answer this question. Even if we enter heaven, St. Peter is said to ask us only one very tough question: "Who are you?" The answer doesn't come in the form of your name, accomplishments, occupation, traits, family or friends. That leaves us pretty much stumped...
***

In typing this, I realize I've done too much thinking in the last couple of weeks. I need to get back to my homework. Like I said, typing all this doesn't mean I believe it all.

Zeri had her eighteenth birthday last night. Happy birthday Zeri, on behalf of LC24 and the Zen gang. Thanks.

It's been a great week so far.
---

Finally met our professors this term. I can't help but think, though, that most of them seem boring. At least I get to have the incredible Isagani R. Cruz as my literature prof though. I've read some of his stories back in high school. Actually having him as teacher in college is just icing on the cake. It's sad that I can't say the same for most of my other profs...Zzzzzz!
---

Since we have a two-subject schedule every Wednesday, we're out by 10:20 a.m. Groovy. The Zen barkada (that's us) decided to make the most out of this very early dismissal: We watched "Lord of the Rings" at Glorietta. The film itself was great although quite disorienting. I had a headache after watching all the zooming effects and whatnot. It'll leave you begging for more though---the story isn't finished.

Anna was swooned by the elven archer Legolas (like many a teenaged girl out there). Turns out that Orlando Bloom, the guy who portrays him, isn't so charming in real life...supposedly looks a lot like Justin Timberlake of *NSYNC. Hmmm.
---

We went to Timezone afterwards. Finally got to play Percussion Freaks 4th Mix. It's hard. I wonder how my friends at PinoyExchange manage to keep learning all the new songs. I don't have the money to do the same, sadly.

We got to play this wacky game there called "Hyper Bishi Bashi Champ" and it left us all laughing. Basically you have to slap three buttons in a variety of minigames to win. You can be a karate guy doing chop-socky with bad guys, a Power Rangers-style robot assembling itself, or a bride-and-groom team competing in a pie-throwing contest, among others. Even better fun is the fact that 3 people can have a go at any one time. The computer's too good sometimes.

Recommended for gimmicks with non-gamers and girls --- you'll all have a riot. :D
---

Got an overseas phone call from Jake yesterday. He said he was coming over much later than I thought --- around March 13th. He'd stay for a month. Until then, he wanted me to show him around Manila.

I found it quite hard to talk to Jake after all these years. Sure, I appreciate his efforts of calling us former neighbors of his up, but after eight years of separation (and most of them teenage years at that), I felt I couldn't quite interest him in the things I liked and vice-versa. It was as if I was talking to a ghost of my past. I fell silent a lot of times during his call. I just hope that when we do get to see each other again, we'd hit it off just like the old days...

I got a pleasant surprise in my e-mail today. A complete stranger wrote me about my site for the first time.

Only a small number of trusted people I know actually know my site exists, so I never really expected anyone to seriously write me about my little chunk of online bandwidth on the Internet. Even more surprising was the fact that she was Filipino-American.

Anyway, a simple "Hi!" goes out to Dynee Sheafor of Experio Solutions. Thanks.

It's my sister's seventeenth birthday today.
---

We went out to go shopping at Glorietta on New Year's Day. A number of stores were still closed but I was honestly surprised at how many people were present to do business. I rewarded myself with buying a cushy new pair of headphones and The Dawn's newest album "Prodigal Sun." They have a good album here, with most of their tracks very friendly to the ears of alternative-rock listeners like myself. It's a great album to buy, really. I urge people to support the local music industry: PLEASE BUY ORIGINAL PINOY ALBUMS THAT DESERVE RECOGNITION!
---

My friends have been inviting me to go with them on Friday to Enchanted Kingdom, the Philippine theme park in Santa Rosa, Laguna province. I'm still torn, actually. I really want to go but perhaps my parents won't let me...hmmm...

A lot of people have begun offering their predictions for the coming year. They say that "there will be two or three coup attempts," "it's a bad year for constructing houses" and other such ominous sayings.

I find this whole business of prediction weird. Remember: the future is what we make of it, regardless of "cosmic invisible hands" which may or may not change our fate. I think it's about time people became less fatalistic and assumed more responsibility for their actions.

First off, I’d just like to greet everyone a happy New Year. I’m glad that more Filipinos have grown wiser in ushering in 2002 with noisy trumpets instead of firecrackers that could cost us our fingers, legs or eyes…and there’s a lot less of that cloying gunpowder smell at 1:00 am. Thank goodness.
---

I celebrated Christmas receiving a handful of unusual gifts and a lot of money (from those relatives who aren’t creative enough to challenge themselves thinking about what I’d like). It’s not that I’m complaining. It’s just that I spent this Christmas and New Year’s without the people I wanted around me the most — my college friends.

I sorely missed their company during these last three weeks. You’d typically think I’d be better off getting a break from college’s demanding workload, without a care in the world. Well, I’m not. These past three weeks I’ve been a practical zombie in front of my computer everyday, playing games and surfing the Internet like there was no tomorrow (read: until 4 in the morning). It suddenly dawned on me that I was bored out of my wits without my college friends to keep me company. My little boisterous cousins weren’t much of a remedy.

January 7th seems so far away…that’s when third term starts.
---

A lot of people are coming here to Manila next month. I hear my US-based aunt and two cousins will be coming over from South Pasadena, CA. around February 22nd.

A bigger surprise was the fact that my childhood friend and former next-door neighbor Jake is reportedly coming here around January 29th, to attend a wedding. Jake left the Philippines in 1993, while we were both in fourth grade. Now that he’s coming back here…well…I can only think about how much we both have changed. We may not even know each other anymore, or be interested in the same things. Oh well.

He was usually the one who took the lead. Maybe I can take him around town for a change.

There’s also another event to look forward to next month: my 19th birthday three days before Valentine’s. Erik’s turning 19 just three days ahead of me, as well.

What an evil, jaded old fart I am. In the spirit of keeping peace with things, I'd just like to greet you all a happy Christmas.

Christmas has been in the air for longer than I've noticed. Tomorrow's already Christmas Day, and yet I feel as if I'm stuck somewhere around December 1st.

Ever since high school came, Christmas for me is without its usual overload of anticipation and sentimentality. Perhaps it's because I've outgrown the entire package of chilly days, ridiculous decorations of Christmas trees and mistletoe (because the Philippines is a tropical country), and the tireless spending, shopping and wrapping of gifts to give. Or perhaps it's simply because I've been too busy to notice the fictitious but grand regalia slowly being put up around me. Or maybe it's because, for a CHRISTIAN celebration, Christmas --- that oxymoronic monstrosity of extravagance disguised as a poor kid's simple birthday --- is held on a PAGAN holiday.

Or because I've become too jaded with the romanticized, idealized vision of Christmas as a universal feast where everyone temporarily forgets their problems in a sumptuous noche buena dinner and a pile of torn gift wrappers. Corollarily, it's because many not-so-lucky people don't celebrate Christmas with the same metropolitan excess of extravagance and luxury. They don't have fiesta ham and chicken pastel for noche buena; instead their meager feast consists of sardines, tuna and rice from relief operations.

Whatever the reason...maybe I don't look at Christmas the same way I used to because I grew up and developed a conscience.

I have a little archive of all these entries in the "Youngblood" column of the Philippine Daily Inquirer. I've been interested in what people around my age have had to say about their own complicated lives. I started collecting and retyping these articles around 1999, and the last one I encoded was just the other day's issue.

My collecting these relevant articles is just a reminder to myself that other people out there who are my age share and sometimes have worse problems than I have. They share what I think about idiosyncratic things. In short, "Youngblood" reminds me that I am not alone.

If there's anyone who wants a copy of what I've archived so far, just e-mail me a request.

Finally got a heart-to-heart talk with Erik. I promised him I wouldn't share any details, but I'm just glad we understand each other.

Wow, the second term's practically over. We just finished our three finals exams today. I feel like I can finally rest a bit after all the insanity of the second term.

When I look at my third-term EAF (that's basically my schedule and payment form at La Salle), I can't help but think about how different my subjects seem in comparison with the second. This term, we were practically library rats doing research or looking for readings on the Cold War and international trade. Next term, we're going to be aspiring accountants and algebraic number-crunchers. What a paradigm shift. It's unsettling.

It was Den's debut later that evening, in a quaint little restaurant called Barbara's in Intramuros. It meant that I had to borrow my dad's trusty old pinstripe blazer again, since I don't have any suits in my closet.

To my surprise, only a few of my blockmates --- Tristan, Erik, Angel, Anna, Leia, Chab and Rachel --- came to the event. I was pretty sure Den invited more of us. I suppose it really didn't matter; we were there for her and that's all that mattered. We were one noisy table, mainly dabbling with Chab's relationship with her boyfriend and what the girls planned to say during their turn at the "18 candles" part. Erik kept his phone company. He was lonely for some reason. I'd rather not get involved; he might just feel worse.

At the debut I finally got to meet Sean, Denise's "infamous" brother (all I knew of him before was based on her squabble stories), and he was responsible for the video presentation that evening. That was my first glimpse of Den's childhood. Knowing her bubbly and naughty personality, I wondered why most of the pictures used in the video never showed her smiling as a kid. Hmmm...

Later on Den's mom made her impromptu speech. Her relationship with Denise reminded me of my own relationship with my mom...but no, my mom and I don't get along that well. I also got to meet some of Den's childhood friends from CSA through Mel...but I don't think I made much of a good impression on them. I was tired by then, and great as the debut was, I despised the "dance" music played by the amateur DJs. (Sorry.)

Midnight came and I had to leave. For something Denise called a haphazardly planned debut, it was fine for the most part. Happy 18th birthday, Denise.

Just had a very busy Saturday.

We had our Field Day for ROTC. That basically means all of us special units joined in six games. I joined in tug-o-war and I was exhausted afterwards. My palms had rope burns. Our unit, the Navigators, placed second overall. Not too bad...

After that I had to fetch my sister and buy my gift for Denise's debut. That included lots of side trips around Glorietta, since Bianca saw a lot of little trinkets she fancied. She was a big help in selecting my gift, actually.