The dramachine wears down

Lately I've gone through my life with less of the old drama I used to pepper this blog (and its readers) with. That's not to say that there hasn't been any drama at all; it's just that I've opted not to let it affect me as it did any more.

Life goes on. I guess I could say I've started becoming wiser. I drive at a sedate pace 80% of the time, no longer doggedly chasing assholes on the road like the cop I'm not. I'm more amenable to letting things slide past me, knowing that it usually isn't worth the effort of being angry. Sure, my gut has grown, but I've learned to live with it anyway without worrying unnecessarily.

A few doors have opened for me---I'm not sure whether they were expected or otherwise, but they have opened. Whether or not I jump headlong into them would have been the subject of intense brooding and moping around had I been younger. Nowadays though, I am content to wait. Perhaps it is because of the weight of my previous, foolish choices; or the avoidance of undue pressure and worrying; or the fear of potential anguish on the part of others.

All I know for sure is I am grateful I am in my current position at the moment. Moments like these are all too fleeting and meant to be savored to the full. I can feel the uncertainty and insecurity ebbing from the road of my life, like standing water draining away.

Haven't had a meme in a while

Got this from Ria.

The rules are simple.
At the end of the post, the player tags 6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
I was in my second year of high school. Things were finally beginning to look up for me in the nouveau-riche fishbowl everyone calls De La Salle Zobel.

2. What are the 5 things on my to-do list today?
Work, sleep well, take a nap, get to the office before 7:00 am, and...work :)

3. Snacks I enjoy:
A whole orange, the slightly sour kind. I also love large marshmallows and chocolates.

4. Place where I live:
Paranaque.

5. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire:

I'd do a lot of things. I'd finally kit out my Jazz the way I want it, buy a place of my own, take a trip to a quiet Japanese town...and save the half billion left, if I'm lucky. Hehehe.

I'm tagging Joy, Mav, Kathy, Beia, Cara and Ryan.

After 10 days on my tank of fuel...

This was a pleasant surprise, given that I roll with relatively heavy 16" wheels.

Will wonders never cease?

Quote for the moment

"Kung hindi naglalapit ang katawan ninyo, hug ba iyon?"

It's Jack's turn to say goodbye.

Jacklyn Competente is undoubtedly Miss Congeniality personified. She could get along with everyone and anyone. She's got a bubbly personality and a genuine knack for getting people's affections.

She joined Accenture because she thought she'd have a chance to learn about her capability of choice, SAP. Not a day went by without her ballyhooing her desire for SAP and all its merits. It was unfortunate for that objective then that she landed in software testing. In her entire stay with Accenture she didn't have the chance to move toward what she wanted, and that triggered her resignation...much as she wanted to stay.

I'm pretty sure everyone who knew her in the company wants her to stay as well. Jack is infamous for her many, many, many candid and stolen shots taken on my cellphone's camera. But all we can do is wish her the best of luck wherever the winds of fate take her.

Spelunking on a Saturday afternoon

Mav and I spent last Saturday in Greenbelt 3, watching "The Dark Knight," eating Slammers Burgers and basically just spelunking and having a good time.

"The Dark Knight" was seriously scary, the knick-knacks on Greenbelt 5 were genuinely interesting, and those little Slammers were a caloric food trip.

Let's do that again.

When your boss is actually the older sister you never had

I haven't had time to really sit down and write about anything...er, "meaty" about the people in my life. It's about time I did because a few people have thought about taking a different path than mine, and so, perhaps, a fitting seeing-off is in order.

Celine Yap is one of those older sisters I've never had. She's my boss, sure, but I've treated her more like a trusted friend. Cel was there for me when I was feeling down and needed a pep talk, which she would always give with her trademark upbeat vibe. In return, I also had the privilege of hearing some of her personal trials and tribulations. She and I had a lot of fun on the rare occasions when we'd share a cup of coffee or have lunch, just the two of us.

Ever since she assumed the managerial role she took on a lot more work...perhaps more than she could handle. At first it manifested with her barely being in her cube, attending meeting after meeting left and right. Later on, however, she started getting sick. Cel succumbed to sickness with increasing duration and frequency. Her health was literally falling apart, and we were always concerned about how she was doing.

With all that back-story, I guess it shouldn't have come as a surprise when she announced at one of our weekly meetings that she was resigning. But I was shocked all the same.

I took her aside for a minute and brought her to a quiet room, where I gave her a long-overdue hug. Ever since the last major project she led (last year) got riddled with all sorts of problems, I felt like cheering her up and giving her a little boost, the same way she did for all of us.

Tomorrow is her last day with Accenture, after eight years of tenure, after which she'll spend a much-deserved three-month break. In that span of time, she says she'll still drop by and visit us. I only hope she and I will still get to see each other and fun over coffee and lunch, as we used to.

Welcome back, partner

Looking back, perhaps the crash was a blessing in disguise. I had been relegated to driving Bianca's ZZE121 Corolla Altis for a month, but the insurance company gave me the opportunity to finally fix the cosmetic faults I found on the car to begin with. I lost the rear mudflaps and some uniqueness/rarity afforded by the pre-facelift LED taillamps, but I gained a meaner looking rear bumper and a rear wing for the trouble---and provision to mount a high-mount brake light, with pre-drilled holes in the new rear hatch.

Major kudos to Raymond Tan and the men of Supreme Motors in Makati. Apart from some damaged fender liner rubbing on my wheels, I have no complaints whatsoever. My aibo (partner) looks better than ever.

It even has the much-vaunted new-car smell back.

Oh, the agony of waiting...

Friday the 13th: Bus 1, Jazz 0

EDSA Guadalupe. June 13, 2008. 8:30 am. Second lane.

A green EG Civic sedan had to stop in front of me because a bus cut in front of her. I braked a reasonable distance behind. A Partas bus on the other hand failed to brake in time and plowed into my Jazz's rear.

The momentum of the packed bus was such that I even hit the EG in front of me from the impact.

Especially infuriating: I had my DIY-installed LED taillamps for less than a week and this had to happen. Damage was appraised at a whopping PhP130,000---thank God for insurance.

This is the reason why I've been inactive for a month. I came out of the crash with nothing more than whiplash.

Reassuring proof that I was not alone in my predicament...

Independence? Hah!

It is ironic that on the day we Pinoys commemorate our independence, my colleagues and I find ourselves forced into overtime by a client from overseas...through no fault of our own.

Happy independence day...but I doubt nowadays there's anything to be happy about.

Maybe I should be a mechanic...

Ever since I got my car, scratch damage and all, I've always wanted to address the blemishes it sprouted on its rear end. One of these was the cracked right rear taillamp, obviously held together by a repair job of glue. Not only that, but I also wanted to increase my car's visibility at night by adding to the lit surface area of my car's rear end. The lower third of the stock taillamps remains unlit at night and just acts as a dim reflector.

My friend Jobert from Jazz-City United just so happened to get rid of his "rare" LED taillamps for the pre-facelift Jazz. He wanted to update his Jazz's rear end to look like the facelifted version, so I bought his old units for a song. I got the pair for PhP5,500---cheaper than buying just one non-LED taillamp from Honda itself.

A few months ago, I had downloaded the Fit/Jazz electronic shop manual thanks to a link provided by the Jazz-City United crew. I thought it would be a waste not to use it, so the taillamp install became my very first DIY job on my car.

So off I went, screwdriver in hand, dismantling the rear bumper of the car, then proceeding to dismount the stock taillamps. Due to not having the right wrenches, one of the surprisingly soft taillamp mounting nuts (which I had to reuse for the LED ones) gave in under the force of my hand on the open-end wrench I used. At this point I was afraid I'd turned DIY from "do it yourself" to "destroy it yourself." Luckily, Jobert offered me a hand with his tools the next day, and with his sockets and tighter wrenches the stripped nut finally loosened.

It took a little longer than expected, but now that familiarity has set in, I figure I could do the whole job in under two hours. My fingers ached and my thighs got tired after the lengthened install, but they couldn't remove my pride from my work, installing taillamps that will never burn out and will shine much brighter than ever before.

Heavy

My biggest concern these days is my growing belly and my increasing weight. Before I knew it I had gained at least a couple of inches and ten pounds. Oddly enough, it happened while I carried out my vow to return to the gym and become fit again. No matter how many inclined crunches I put in at the ab bench, or how many minutes of non-stop jogging at a steep 6% grade on the treadmill I puff through, the pounds and inches refuse to go away.

At 172 lb. I am now officially overweight. My main concern is I no longer know what to do to keep the weight in check, because what I've done so far hasn't helped. Sigh.

Friends say it doesn't really matter, but I've always obsessed about having a trim stomach because ever since I was young, I was always convinced it looked so damn glamorous to have six-pack abs. Realistically I've accepted it's not going to happen to me, but growing more belly than my existing apron of "baby fat" is sort of an insult. Must have been my slow metabolism finally giving out, then.

Que sera, sera.

Rediscovering TV

Thanks to that week-long bout of vertigo, I've basically stayed away from the home computer over the past couple of weeks. Initially it was for fear of having my head spin again, but now I can say it's because I've seen the shows I was missing the whole time I was drowning my time online.

In addition to "House" I'm now following "Chuck" and "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles." The first series is endearing and funny, while the product of James Cameron's imagination makes for pretty interesting television, too.

I'm discovering a few hidden gems, too. I've often looked down on the Ultraman series for being predictable, but "Ultraman Nexus" has changed that. For once, here's an Ultraman series that doesn't consider our familiar red-and-silver giant as an automatic ally. The TLT Night Raiders task force in "Nexus" considers the silver giant just as dangerous as the space beasts he fights against. There's an atmosphere of distrust, paranoia and conspiracy in "Nexus" that makes for very interesting watching. The Ultraman elements are there, but it's much less of a "monster-of-the-week" sort of thing and more resources are devoted to developing our characters and story over many episodes.

And, despite not watching the series, I found the "Sex and the City" movie well-written and entertaining enough to watch it in the cinema twice.

Apparently I thought wrong

I thought all I promised you was a movie date over "Sex and the City."

I thought I had done enough to keep you company.

I thought the movie was great.

I thought I yakked about the movie long enough to entertain you.

I thought you enjoyed the afternoon as much as I did. I even thought everything was fine.

I thought I did a good job of doing my part.

Apparently, according to you, I was wrong. I actually bored you. I found this out as I was stuck in traffic, on my way home, two hours after we parted. And I felt insulted.

I was going over the whole afternoon on instant replay. I don't think I did anything bad or lacking, as far as I knew. Then later you said you were feeling all crappy because I didn't hug you.

Well all I have to say is: Ask, and you shall receive. Unfortunately for you, you never did. If you were expecting to date a mind reader then I'm so proud to have disappointed you full stop, because I'm disappointed you acted so prattishly.

This is your loss, not mine...and consider it a permanent one.

Wrapping up May

Since I recovered from my brush with prolonged vertigo and a massive head cold, I've been staying away from the home PC for fear of getting an undesirable relapse. With the overtime wick turned up at work, I strain my eyes and brain enough already.

For the longest time, using a computer was the one thing I could not do without bad consequences. It's funny how I could vegetate in bed watching TV and reading magazines without incident, or even drive around for two hours, but a week ago I could barely stand two hours of using an LCD-monitor-equipped PC.

Grace and I have patched things up. In the end, despite everything that's happened between us emotionally, I guess we're just really good friends after all. She was concerned about me when I was still struggling through my first couple of days back at work. She's asked me to watch "Sex and the City" along with her...perhaps one of these weekends.

My friend Mav was a big help too. All the while she was keeping me company over SMS, and I appreciated her company despite our differences.

Fuel prices have gotten fairly ridiculous in how quickly they've risen over the past year. I remember this time last year it was PhP38 per liter...now it's PhP52 and rising per week. I was lucky to have avoided a week at the pump, but ultimately my Honda has to fill up and I have to pay up to do so. I wonder when all the price increases will end?

At least tomorrow is another Friday though. A payday Friday. One I'm actually looking forward to, because I'm getting my just-desserts.

I, the jerk

Over the weekend I got sidetracked by a massive head cold and the kind of heavy headache that would normally point to me getting the flu. Fortunately I didn't get chills or fever, but I didn't want to take any chances either so I took today off.

I am disappointed with myself once again. It seems no matter how hard I try to make other people happy, I will just end up acting like an insensitive, manipulative jerk when all is said and done. Grace was looking for something I unfortunately could not give her, and in the end I became exactly the type of person she didn't want.

I begin to wonder when I can convince myself that I am truly ready for a relationship once again. It is funny how I've become the one actively resisting it, after falling over myself time and time again searching for it for the past God-knows-how-many years. Now that relationships aren't part of my itinerary, there the chances for it pop up. What kind of sick, cruel joke is this?

If Grace proved something, she proved I am not unlovable and I am grateful for that. But right now, I'm just not looking.

So many parts, not enough money

Ever since I got those Rota Circuit 10 wheels for my GD1 Jazz, I haven't stopped scouring the Internet for parts that will fit my car. Getting those wheels opened the floodgates, I guess---and now I know why the Jazz-City United guys joke about the "GD" chassis code as an acronym for "Gastos Dami." The Jazz just lends itself really well to customization.

Unfortunately for me, the parts I want installed on my ride cost a pretty penny and require major saving-up.

My current wishlist goes like this.

• A pair of Bride Digo seats, mounted on Type-YO seat rails. These will help support my thighs and knees on longer journeys. The stock seats are comfortable but their squabs are a little too short. Even just one Digo seat is fine for me.
• A set of Buddy Club Wagon-Spec coilover dampers. Ever since my dad complained of the Jazz's bordering-on-harsh ride at the back, I've wanted to do something about addressing it while improving the car's handling at the same time. The ability to lower the car's stance by turning a couple of wrenches is a nice bonus.
• Yokohama S.Drive tires in the 205/45 R16 size, to replace my bought-new-but-actually-aged Bridgestone Potenza S-02 Pole Position rubber. One notable thing about these tires is their unusually high treadwear rating for high-performance rubber. The 300 treadwear rating means these will last much longer than the 180-rated S-02s I currently have, and people say it rides pretty well too. Best of all, it's relatively cheap, given the benefits.
• LED taillights. Since my taillights have cracks in them anyway, I might as well upgrade to the brighter LEDs on the newer Jazzes that won't burn out. This is more of an active-safety modification as well, because the surface area of my stock brake lights is a little too small for my liking. The LEDs light up a greater area of the rear of the car, by comparison. I might even spring for a high-mount LED brake light, too.
• A JDM Honda armrest and lower center console assembly for the Jazz. This is just way more useful than the one I have. That snazzy extending armrest has a compartment for stuff too, such as my CD collection.

All these cool doodads are going to cost me a pretty penny...and I haven't even started modifying the engine yet.

I gotta save up.

Seat-hunting at the cinema for Mother's Day

This afternoon I drove to Evangelista St. in Makati to try looking for sport seats. The stock seats on my Jazz are fine, but lack lumbar support and sufficient length on the seat squab. Both are important on longer drives. A longer seat squab will help thigh and knee support. Ever since I sat on a Bride Ergo II seat installed in Francis' GD6 City, I began ogling Bride's excellent sport seats on the Internet...only to weep after looking at the exorbitant price tags on even the cheapest of these babies.

Jobs of Jazz-City United directed me to a shop where he found a used Bride seat selling for a ridiculously cheap PhP10,000. I found the seat, but unfortunately it was used and needed reupholstering. The store owners directed me to a few other shops down the block that also sold cheaper Recaro and Sparco seats, but I will have to buy them as a pair and have seat rails fabricated to fit the Jazz. Still, PhP40,000 for two good seats might make me empty my wallet if I had that kind of cash.

Seat hunting done, I wheeled over to Glorietta to meet up with my friend Mav and watch "Iron Man." We were amazed at how the suave Robert Downey Jr. absolutely owned the role of Tony Stark. Aside from the predictability of the general plot, and the surprising lack of action for a superhero movie, I have absolutely no complaints. Marvel Studios have a gem on their hands here. As long as they don't repeat the major disappointment that was "Spider-Man 3," I will look forward to Downey's next turn as Stark.

After the movie, Mav and I looked for Mother's Day presents. She got a cake, while I bought a baker's serving knife for cakes and pies. We navigated through the darkness and torrential rain of C5 to get home.

All in all, a nice day. Until next time Mav!

Beach trip? No thanks.

I gave up joining the Barclays summer outing to Cavite this year because it coincided with a long-planned outing my family and relatives had planned for about a month already. The plan was to go to Pangasinan.

So why am I still in Manila?

My dad decided to cancel the night before. Apparently, Nanay and Tita Hedwig were already there and it was definitely not worth the effort. After a long six-hour drive, they arrived at a resort that had so many people on a teambuilding event from some company that didn't have the common sense to just reserve the venue exclusively. They felt like gatecrashers. Add to that a beach that couldn't hold high tide in the afternoon, and with barnacles and sea urchins left in the tide's wake, and you have, in Tita Hedwig's words, "a vacation from hell."

I'm okay with that, to be honest. It's not as if the Barclays Cavite trip is anything to look forward to, anyway. Unlike the previous two outings, this wasn't even an overnight stay. Funny how the office summer outings just keep on going downhill year after year.

Wasting a week

Today is the last day of my week-long vacation. What was supposed to be a break to repair my Jazz's underchassis turned out to be just a simple break, due to the many customers requesting repairs at Honda Makati's body repair shop.

At least I made some sense out of this break, though. I caught up on my lack of sleep. I had the hub-centric rings for my wheels fabricated and installed. I finally met my friend Grace on quite a wonderful date. I canvassed the tire shops on Evangelista St. for prices of the Yokohama S.Drive tires I planned to replace my aged Bridgestone Potenza S-02s with. I went to Robinsons Place Manila and spelunked within its brand-spanking-new Midtown wing. I cursed the heat. I spent whole days texting with my new friend Mav about anything and everything. I drove to Trinoma, Banawe St., Greenhills, Aurora Blvd., and C5---basically wandering around in boredom.

Perhaps the next time I have a vacation this long I should put it to better use. But on balance, this wasn't so bad.

A series of expensive mistakes

It's funny how my priorities have changed. Not too long ago I was a college student constantly ogling plastic models, obsessing over the expensive ones.

Now I'm afraid I've started to indulge myself in a far more expensive hobby. I suppose it was just a matter of time and the drive for it was always there, just dormant, but now I'm looking at every which way I can dress up my GD1 Honda Jazz. And it started with a set of 16-inch aluminum alloy wheels.

Not helping my situation are a few fauxes pas I've committed along the way. The 205/45R16 Bridgestone Potenza S-02 tires I drive on look brand-new, but already have six years in them since their manufacture---critical as tires deteriorate even when unused. The existing scratches and scrapes on my Jazz's rear gained another "friend," as I accidentally dented the rear cross member under the trunk with an overenthusiastic floor jack. Last but not least, the Rota Circuit 10 wheels I bought did not fit flush over the center spigots of my wheel hubs, resulting in a car with its weight supported by wheel studs that were never designed for the strain.

I've brought the car in to Honda Makati for an estimate on all the rear-end body repair, now planned sometime in August---I even plan on upgrading the rear light clusters to later-model LED units. I've brought the car to Autoplus along EDSA to have hub-centric rings fabricated for proper fitment of my wheels. Most recently, I've scoured the Internet for tires at the same size as my current set as I plan to replace them before the year ends.

All this is going to cost me quite a pretty penny, even at my current penny-pinching mode. My 13th and 14th month bonuses haven't yet arrived but in my mind I've spent them already.

Every time I look at my beloved GD1, though, it feels worth all the trouble. What can I say? I really, really like my car and I plan to keep it company for a long, long time.

"...But there's life in the old dog yet"

We had a good thing, it was a blast
That was a long time in the past
You went through changes and I went away
And I have regretted that to this day

I may not always have quite so much hair
But what you saw in me will hopefully always be there
I'll never hurt again, I swear

So put your arms around me, your dinner lady arms
Put your arms around me, your dinner lady arms
I couldn't figure out where your figure had gone
I thought that I could live without you, honey I was so wrong
So put your arms around me, your dinner lady arms
Your dinner lady arms

Forgive and forget that I caused you pain
And find it in your heart to start again

I know I'll never be your Mr. Right
But I'm happy to be your Mr. That-Will-Do-For-Tonight
And I'll never let you out of my sight

So put your arms around me, your dinner lady arms
Put your arms around me, your dinner lady arms
I couldn't figure out where your figure had gone
I thought that I could live without you, honey I was so wrong
So put your arms around me, your dinner lady arms
Your dinner lady arms

I may be light-years past of my sell-by date
But there's life in the old dog yet, honey, it's not too late
So put your arms around me,
Your dinner lady arms!

- The Darkness, "Dinner Lady Arms"

Of loneliness, insignificance and Macross

By all accounts, I should be sad. I just conceded whatever chance I had with Denise. I should be mourning.

But you know what? I'm not sad at all. Maybe I've grown a bit in all those years. I refuse to get bogged down by heartache and disappointment any longer. I can close this chapter of my life without regrets because I know I tried my best. Perhaps it took me too long to call it quits, but that's no longer important.

Next to what happened to PJ, my troubles are nothing.
===

I got a welcome surprise on YM the other day. My old friend Grace buzzed me...and after some distance between us over the past few months, I truly missed her.

We've had our misgivings and problems, but underneath it all I guess she and I are kindred spirits. We both know how demoralizing loneliness and sadness can be, how it can push us to do really stupid things in an effort to get it out of our system. Although we're doing better now, we still have bouts of that evil emotion from time to time.

Perhaps this time, we can be each other's crutches.
===

I want to watch Macross again.

I want to believe that a love so pure and untainted truly does exist, even if I already have too much knowledge to the contrary.

I want to meet my own Misa Hayase.

I want to believe that love can prevail even in the midst of sheer disappointment and after lots of effort, the same kind of effort Misa put in for her beloved Hikaru.

Macross is a boyhood dream, I guess. What's so wrong in believing in it once again?

Ending a cycle of heartbreak and disappointment

Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms, open hearts
But if it never ends then where do we start?

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you'll understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back,
I have something to say

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could know
So I can show you how I...

Dream away, everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain it drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you'll understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever, ever, ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back,
I have something to say

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could know
So I can show you how I feel...

- Maroon 5, "The Sweetest Goodbye"

Fire sobers us all

No matter what sort of bullshit I encounter every day, certain sobering events come along to make me realize just how much of a lucky bastard I really am.

Today marks the week after my friend Paolo Jaucian's house in Pasay burned down. It started at 4 am last Friday morning. The blaze had started from an electrical fault in an adjoining house's wiring, setting the wooden house on fire and sparking an inferno that spread to six other houses. Six hours later, Jenny, Joel, Chielou and I were awestruck when PJ called us up at the office with the news. Apparently he and his pregnant wife Jasmine made it out okay, although they failed to salvage anything from their burnt home except important paperwork and clothes.

Without any further contact with PJ (his cellphone melted in the blaze), Chielou and I worried about him. The blaze happened at just about the worst time imaginable: PJ was restoring the house, Jasmine was pregnant, and they had a lot of bills to pay from their marriage last year.

Our hopes came back when PJ came back to the office yesterday afternoon, albeit in a shirt, denim jeans and slippers. He came to secure his share of fire contribution and settle a few things. Work in our cube literally stopped for 45 minutes as we all gathered around to welcome him and ask about the event.

It turns out PJ's house was an unnecessary casualty. Infuriatingly, the city firemen stationed nearby refused to put out the blazes as they ate at all adjoining property for almost two hours. Only the Chinese-Filipino volunteer firefighters, straight from relatively faraway Binondo, put in the effort to quell the fire. The city firemen did not raise a finger until the media came along to film the blazes! Had they sprung into action faster, PJ would most likely still have his house. What incredible bullshit! Only in the Philippines, folks...

Still, PJ was lucky he did not share the same fate of the father and his son who went back into the flames...and never came out alive. Their lives and bodies got snuffed out, leaving a horrid smell that only the overeager looters seem to be able to withstand.

PJ thanked me for visiting and surveying the damage the night after the fire. Me? I'm just thankful my good friend is still alive and well.

Lovin' my Honda's new shoes

Talking and thinking about my always wonky emotional state of mind all the time is not healthy for me. So let's move on to other things I can be happy about.

I had always planned to replace my 14-inch stock wheels and tires with something else. Originally I wanted to wait until I got my 14th-month pay for it, but a certain huge rut I encountered last week along the northbound SLEX entry at Sta. Rosa changed all that. Developing a little crack in the sidewall is enough cause for concern and replacing my rolling stock ASAP.

So this morning I drove to Wheelhaus Marketing on Evangelista St. and picked out a set of second-hand white Rota Circuit 10 wheels they happened to have. Considering their used nature, they were in very good condition, with only peeling Mugen MF10L decals and a series of evenly-spaced scratches on one spoke to give them away. (The Circuit 10s are replicas of Mugen's MF10/L wheels.) I had them shod with fresh 205/45ZR16 Bridgestone Potenza S-02 high-performance directional rubber as I traded in my old rolling stock.

After mounting, balancing, alignment and a set of center caps, my Jazz was instantly transformed into a great-looking hotshoe. Not bad for PhP20,400. Had I insisted on brand-new rims, I would have had them in bronze (no new white ones were in stock) and paid PhP9,000 more.

While having wheel alignment done, I took the chance to better peek at the underbelly of the engine bay as the Jazz sat raised on a lifter. I'm very glad to say nothing critical got damaged by last week's fall into the huge Laguna rut. The oil pan, front suspension subframe, oxygen sensor, exhaust piping and catalytic converter all looked intact and none the worse for wear. Only the plastic skidplate got scratched, gnarled and slightly torn. Unfortunately one of the Jazz-City United people had all those components damaged by a wayward metal object along NLEX in an expensive accidental encounter.

On the drive home I was wary of any rubbing against fender liners or worsening ride quality. So far, so good: ride compliance feels close to stock except for a greater awareness to the road's subtle camber changes. Tire rumble isn't greatly increased either, although I won't know for sure until the running-in period has passed.

On hindsight, I am glad I bought these rims and tires now instead of two months later. I love how my humble Honda looks now and it definitely lifts my spirits.

Off the deep end yet again

I guess I never learn.

Even after two failed attempts, a number of boyfriends and almost seven years between us, I am still trying my luck with Denise. I am still telling her that she's the one I want to spend my time with. I am still taking my chances.

And...I'm probably still asking more than what she can give me.

Tough.

Keeping a leash on my inner boyracer, part deux

Ever since the run-in with the tailgating XJJ 548, I've taken a little time to step back and think my driving style through.

I've been driving for eight years already and I've had my share of thrills and spills while at it. While I don't deny that I like driving fast, the undue attention that it attracts from idiotic boyracers on the road just isn't worth it.

When I posted my story on a few forum websites I frequent, I got a number of responses. Some applauded me for just moving out of the way; others smote the speeding ES and let karma work its magic on it and its driver; still others criticized me and my driving.

One of the best responses I saw read: "The other guy was wasting his gas and you'd be wasting yours if you went along with his game. Pride is cheaper than gasoline these days." How true, I thought. If I can't police or control the idiots that just so happen to share the road with me, I might as well just change what I can.

I've pulled the driver's seat on the Jazz a little farther away from the wheel than before, to help support my right thigh and knee on longer journeys (as the Jazz doesn't have lumbar support, nor an adjustable seat squab angle). I've forced myself to learn to be a more considerate driver and travel at lower speeds. Best of all, I've focused my attention more to the great music playing on my speakers than the idiots and their equally idiotic driving I see on the road.

My newfound "relaxed" driving mode still needs some work, but I feel the benefits already.

Glam rock and blues on the road

For this quarter's teambuilding event, my colleagues decided to try something new. Instead of going out to a restaurant to yet again eat our guts out, we tried going out of town to Tagaytay on a Saturday.

We went to hilly Picnic Grove to trek, Leslie's for lunch, Mushroomburger and Sonya's Kitchen to pick up snacks, and then headed to Caleruega's Veritas Hall for our activities. All the while, I had Beng, Paolo C. and Albert to keep me company while Queen, The Darkness and the Pinoy blues bands of "Blueskrieg" rocked out inside my car.

The changing-lanes-and-pop-up-barriers chaos of the SLEX didn't do me any favors, nor did the Sta. Rosa and Carmona traffic, nor the hideously huge rut that caught my poor Jazz out on the Sta. Rosa SLEX entry on the way back home. (Luckily, the damage was mostly cosmetic and concerned nothing vital.)

In the inclement conditions, however, the four of us had a grand time discussing the greatness of Queen, the merits of blues music, and Beng's advice for courting women. None of us fell asleep on the entire trip, even though we made it back 30 minutes after everyone else did.

Many thanks guys. If you decide to tag along on our summer outing I'd be honored to have all of you as my passengers once again.

Keeping a leash on my inner boyracer

7:15pm. I had just passed the Kalayaan Avenue intersection on C5 southbound. Eager to avoid the slower traffic, I moved to the rightmost lanes to try to pass the slower traffic. Suddenly there was this bright yellow glare shooting into my rear-view mirror. The car which was the origin of this glare was still a few car-lengths away from my Jazz, but was closing in.

I shifted left, passing more cars, trying to keep a speedy pace of 90-100 km/h as I rounded the long left-hand bend that marked Petron C5 southbound. A lot of slower traffic was around, but there were enough gaps to overtake with. The insulting yellow glare burned brighter now; I would have been blinded if the light were scattershot HID from a no-projector headlamp assembly. The car was closing on my Jazz's tail until it was just three feet away---at 100 km/h.

Moving to the middle as I approached the bridge area, I made use of the large gaps between slower cars to keep my speed up. I braked first, signalled my maneuvers in advance, stepped down a gear and went past. The yellow light stuck to my tail, following me at a dangerously close distance because I had chosen the only free path through the slower traffic. It was seemingly intent on either racing me or crashing into my rear.

My right foot was almost instinctively burying itself deeper into the throttle as my speedometer read 115 km/h and climbing. I wanted to get away from this tailgating idiot.

Past the pedestrian footbridge, before the Heritage Park off-ramp, C5 finally became decongested of slower cars for a margin worth a good five car-lengths. The only other vehicle in front of me was a six-wheeler truck on the leftmost lane. Driving in the middle of the road with a car inches off my rear, I decided to put this to an end.

Aiming my steering wheel to the left, I fell in behind the light truck and gently pressed the brakes. The yellow light flashed past on my right. It came from a white ES-series Civic, with what looked like 17" black five-spoke wheels, full black tinting and a tinted plate holder. It revved its engine spitefully as it passed. As soon as it was clear, I moved back to the middle.

I watched this Civic deal with the slower traffic that awaited us as we made the final 500 meters to the SLEX on-ramp. Letting him pass was a blow to my pride, but when I watched the ES swerve maliciously around the slower cars I was almost happy to let him pass.

The mid-evening traffic awaited all of us as we merged into SLEX. I noticed the white ES forced its way into the middle of the road. Sticking to the rightmost lane anticipating an exit to Bicutan, I realized I had a chance to catch this tailgating boyracer in the act. Knowing it was unsafe, I whipped out my phone anyway and attempted to take photos of the ES' rear end twice. My phone's camera was simply too slow to process the image despite shooting in walking-pace traffic. I decided to key in the ES Civic's plate number instead.

The ES' rear plate read "XJJ 548" through the tinted plate holder.

If you encounter this moron on the road, steer clear. My blood is still boiling with frustration because the proud part of me thinks I lost our duel. But when I think about where exactly we were duking it out, on the open road, shared with many other motorists...maybe I was correct in letting the jerk pass.

Caveat emptor.

Zero-G love fills my head

Most people know me as a huge Gundam fan. However, even before I saw one frame of animation from the seminal Japanese mecha series, I had already seen and been astounded by the second most famous: The Super Dimension Fortress Macross of 1982.

At the time I saw it in 1995, I was still about twelve years old, and I had seen it as part of the heavily edited "trilogy" anime Robotech. Robotech, as you may know, is a patchwork made up of three totally unrelated anime (including Super Dimension Cavalry Southern Cross and Genesis Climber MOSPEADA), adapted and rewritten to become one continuous story. As good as Robotech was, I wanted to see how director Shoji Kawamori originally intended Macross to be.

Given my exposure to Robotech, it certainly was hard to recognize at first. I noticed it shared a lot with the original Mobile Suit Gundam series of 1979: a distinct late-1970s musical vibe, some dodgy animation compared to today's standards, and an enduring appeal. Music greatly defined Macross, and while Robotech pared down on Lynn Minmay's translated songs and introduced American 1980s battle themes, the original series has a lot of blaring battle horns and gives us the full gamut of Lynn Minmay's songs in all their aural glory, as sung by Mari Iijima. Her sheer volume of songs in this series alone could easily fill a short CD, or comprise 2/3 of a long one.

Macross' trademarks are its transforming VF-1 Valkyrie fighter planes, and they're still as amazing to watch as ever. But the real reason why Macross is so desirable is its love story---it takes as much importance as the space war drama.

The complex interplay between Valkyrie pilot/protagonist Hikaru Ichijo, pop singer Lynn Minmay and superior officer Misa Hayase really influenced me as an adolescent. Between them, all kinds of awkward situations conspire to keep lovers apart, or prevent them from being honest about their feelings, and we see the poignant consequences. In the instant death of the battlefield, we are taught to seize the day as it comes and live it as fully as we can. If Mobile Suit Gundam had mortality as its major humane element, Macross has 1980s-style romance...and really, really good music. So good, in fact, that it becomes a shock-and-awe weapon against the gigantic Zentraedi aliens. I kid you not.

I cannot recommend this classic TV series enough. It was a big part of me while growing up, and it still is today.

HCP: Do I know you?

Lately I'm beginning to regret ever having returned to Honda Club of the Philippines.

Or should I refer to them as the Honda CULT of the Philippines?

Well whatever. When a club is made out of people who are so easily indoctrinated into thinking whatever Honda makes is automatically the best ever, that's kind of scary. While I like Honda as a brand, I'll be the first to admit not everything associated with them is automatically great. I get the feeling that if I speak out against Honda or its cars in any way I'll get hostile responses from the "cult."

In the span of time I was gone, the people in HCP have really changed. It's as if I barely know any of them. I'm currently reviewing if there's any advantage at all in staying active---the only thing that comes to mind are the wonderfully accommodating Audio people.

Sacrifice this.

I'm sick of observing the usual Holy Week rituals.

I'm sick of singing for my parish choir.

I'm sick of seeing people I would rather not see.

I'm sick of performing a thankless job.

I'll leave you to whatever makes you happy. Me, I want no part of it any longer.

What on earth happened to Maroon5?!

I remember buying Maroon5's first album "Songs About Jane" when practically no one else knew who they were. Though I distinctly remember calling it a poignant breakup album with only a few truly happy numbers, I listened to the cassette tape in my car day in and day out. The band's very distinctive, smart-but-listenable vibe and profoundly written lyrics caught my ear hook, line and sinker.

Almost five years since I first heard of them on the radio, I was beginning to wonder just what happened to them and where they went. Just when the waiting got a little unbearable, they released their new album called "It Won't Be Soon Before Long."

When I heard the first three singles...I could not believe my ears.

What happened to Maroon5? Gone were their rich melodies and lovingly crafted lyrics, replaced with a vapid mess that's as good as elevator music compared to their first album. Their new "artistic direction" basically dumbed down their music to the point where it went into my ears, barely recognizable and almost incomprehensible in its pop-oriented dullness.

Sorry guys. You just lost a big fan of your music.

Shopping for shoes of a different kind

I'm thinking too much again.

Disconnecting my brains, my overactive superego, is harder than I thought.

I wonder: just how did I manage to do that only a few weeks ago?
===

After letting go of the coilovers with me still undecided on what to prioritize on my Jazz, wear and tear basically picked what my next modification will be: wheels and tires.

Due to the Jazz's suspension design, it's getting tricky trying to pick out a wheel and tire package that won't introduce any problems, such as the dreaded rubbing at the rear fender liner once laden. The limitations of wheel offset mean that my choices in rims are actually rather limited.

Anyway, I've made my choice. The only problem is the money. The wheel-and-tire upgrade is a much more important and realistic modification, though, as I'm now pinching pennies from my salary to finance the purchase by the end of May. I hope.

When a flamboyant performer goes shy...

When love breaks up
When the dawn light wakes up
A new life is born
Somehow I have to make this final breakthrough...
Now!

I wake up, feel just fine
Your face, fills my mind
I get religion quick
'Cause you're looking divine
Honey you're touching something, you're touching me
I'm under your thumb, under your spell, can't you see?

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough...oh yeah

Break through these barriers of pain
Break through, to the sunshine from the rain
Make my feelings known towards you
Turn my heart inside and out for you now
Somehow I have to make this final breakthrough...
Now!

Your smile, speaks books to me
I break up, with each and every one of your looks at me
Honey you're starting something deep inside of me
Hone you're sparking something, this fire in me
I'm outta control, I wanna rush headlong into this ecstasy!

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough
If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breakthrough...

- Queen, "Breakthru"

You've been gone a while

For some reason my blog hasn't been displaying on my computer for a while. I figured I should hold off on updates until I can actually see the thing again.

Summer is now upon us and it's taking its toll on me and my general health. The heat just saps away whatever energy I have left after hitting the gym at noontime. It's funny that now matter how hard I target my abs, doing crunches on the exercise ball, my gut just seems to grow and grow. Talk about a slowing metabolism.

The last week I've had horrid driving. Locked up my brakes, chirped my worn tires and guzzled a lot of gas. 10.8 km/L might not seem like guzzling to you, but in a Jazz that's ludicrous. The even more ridiculous thing is, just when I tried to take it easy tonight, I get this steel-blue B13 Sentra almost sideswiping me twice along SLEX. What's a guy to do?

Listen to Queen, I guess. I've been on a glam-rock trip the whole weekend and my spirits are kept raised high, despite the inevitable pull of gloom I get in the office and at SVMM. There are people I just do not want to get along with, despite seeing them on a daily or weekly basis...and a heady dose of Queen through in-ear headphones are just what the doctor ordered.

Envy? Jealousy? I wonder which one I've got

In today's First Friday Mass the priest had a very interesting homily. He brought up the seven capital sins, and of all of them, it was the lethal combination of pride and envy that drove the Pharisees to plot against Jesus Christ and kill him.

Pride we basically all know about, he mused, but there is some misunderstanding about what envy really is. Often we confuse it for jealousy, when in fact they are two very different things. "For all we know, jealousy can be a good thing," the priest said. "Jealousy can save marriages. If a man has a wife whom he sees meeting with other men, jealousy is the natural reaction. She should belong to him by virtue of their marriage, not to someone else."

The crucial difference between envy and jealousy is where it is directed. Jealousy is directed to the self, as in "what do they see in him/her that's not in me?" while envy is essentially a fancy way of saying "why is God unfair?"

In sum, the priest said, if pride's opposite is humility, envy's antithesis is contentment. If envy is wanting what you do not have, contentment is wanting what you already have.
===

Why am I talking about some pastor's homily? It's because it hit pretty close to home today.

Despite my previous agreement to buy Gustav's TEIN coilovers, I got signals that perhaps they were not for me. Not right now, at least. Gustav himself sent me an SMS and said he found my post on HCP about softening the Jazz's ride a little. He said his coilovers might not be what I was looking for, as they get very stiff when lowered past two inches. Besides, blowing a significant chunk of my savings for what is essentially "a little better than stock" ride quality (according to Gustav) probably isn't the smartest thing to do. I have to say he was right; I have yet to try out my JACU friends' TEIN-equipped rides to see for myself how much better they ride.

The itch to dress up my little Honda hamster is still there, but I have to be realistic about my capabilities. I'll also have to bite the bullet and save half my monthly salary for a while if I want anything done to the car.
===

It also hit home because after all these years I have to learn my lesson once and for all. My jealousy is unfounded because Denise does not belong to me, not in any capacity.

For a while now I've been mulling over the wisdom of dating her once a month. I fear if this keeps up, I will just end up wanting more than what she can give. Also I've gotten pretty sick of feeling jealous whenever I see her with some other guy. She's just that way, and I have to be willing to accept that.

She is my girl best friend, but perhaps it is about time I found someone else to take that mantle.

Mechanical temptation has beckoned yet again...

...and this time I've given in.

Last November I wrote about how tempting it was to buy parts for my Jazz. At the Jazz-City United EBs I'm the only guy who has an almost-completely stock ride. Not to say that the Jazz is a terrible car in stock form---I love it to bits---but there are a few areas where it could get better. It's no secret that my dad and sister find the Jazz's ride harsh, for instance.

So began my yearning for suspension modifications. According to fellow JACU members, even fitment of lowering springs already soothes the restless stock ride. I did my reading and learned that just fitting lowering springs on stock dampers will just not do, unless I want the stock dampers to go kaboom in a few months' time. Coilovers---a matched set of springs and dampers---are the best and most hassle-free way to go, but are very pricey.

Fast forward to tonight. I found Gustav, a moderator/acquaintance from HCP, selling his slightly used TEIN Basic Wagon coilover set for 2/3 the brand-new price. He and his wife were arguing about the ride height---he wanted to ride low, she wanted to ride high. He decided to refit his stock suspension as a compromise.

Long story short: I made him a deal and I'm on my way to owning them.

I'm about to blow a very large amount of money, so I'm a little nervous about the worth of this modification. My consolation comes in TEIN's solid reputation over the years.

I should take photos of my car's present ride height...and I can't wait until Monday.

What I learned from badminton...

I am very, very tired. The thing is, it's nothing work-related.

I've made a habit of hitting the gym at lunch time on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to address my growing gut and my relative lack of fitness and verve around the Taraflex. Lately though, I've picked up one more opportunity to play badminton on Tuesday nights at Magallanes Village's Magdalena Park with Bong, an acquaintance from HCP and Jazz-City United.

The trouble with my first time playing there though was the lack of grip. Even my fresh gum-soled Mizuno Wave Smash RGs had trouble on the dusty wood parquet floor. That meant a lot of premature wear on the left foot's inner portion on what are essentially four-day-old shoes, as I tried lunging around on the slippery court. My soles and left ankle got so sore as a result.

That did not stop me from working on my leg power at the next day's gym session, though. And when the day was done, I played a lot of rounds on Sheridan Badminton Center's Taraflex courts, which my legs and feet missed very badly. Even after just two weeks at the gym, I could notice my old zest returning as I moved around better on court.

I learned a little life lesson while playing last Wednesday. I found I had success at net play, drop shots and pushes. This was different from my usual big-hitting "clearing, driving and smashing" play style. Perhaps we could apply this in real life.

"Ang badminton, parang buhay. Hindi lahat nadadaan sa gigil at pwersa."

Back to shoes shopping

You may remember that 2007 was a particularly bad year for buying shoes and sneakers, at least in my book. Well, I've tried to rectify that with my first pair of sneakers in 2008: the Mizuno Wave Smash RG.

I bought this yesterday at Mizuno's showroom in Magallanes. They had a clearance sale and I was surprised to see their 2007 premier mid-cut badminton shoe selling for about 3/4 the initial price back then. While my dad was rummaging through their stocks of golf bags, I couldn't find my size in all their cheaper variants so I decided to pick this one up.

The Wave Smash RG actually isn't in my size; I got one that's the next size bigger. It's still superbly comfortable to wear, even on my strangely sized left foot.

I can't wait to bring this to the Taraflex and see how it does.

Testing, testing

The BBC Science and Nature website has a number of pretty good quizzes on personality and other mental/emotional matters. I took two of them.

Your answers suggest you are a Realist

• Loyal and steady workers who meet deadlines
• Believe in established rules and respect facts
• Think of themselves as mature, stable and conscientious
• May appear too logical or tough-minded and forget their impact on other people

More about Realists

Realists are loyal to the people around them and work hard to keep their promises. They are honest and straightforward with others and expect the same in return. Realists believe in standard procedures and will only support change when there is a demonstrable benefit.

Realists respect factual information, which they store up to use when making decisions. This group likes to have time to think quietly and carefully before taking action.

These extremely productive people like to be occupied in their leisure time with pursuits such as craftwork, hiking or reading.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Realists may become obsessed with schedules, critical of others or have trouble trusting other people to get the job done properly. Under extreme stress, Realists may complain loudly that events have taken a turn for the worse and predict negative outcomes.

Realists typically only share their opinions or personal experiences with trusted friends.

Realist Careers

Realists are attracted to jobs where decision making based on factual knowledge and experience is required.

Adultery

Results

Your scored 8 out of a possible 20.

You rate as: Medium risk promiscuity - 7 to 14 points

This group have promiscuous tendencies though they have control over these impulses. They might be more self-absorbed than average, can tend to ignore the feelings of others and will have limited social and personal conscientiousness. However they value and rely on their partner and are aware of the risk of giving up all they have in their relationship by succumbing to their desires.

You do not rate as: Low risk promiscuity - 0 to 6 points

Responsible, dependable, caring and happy with their own lot. They will not look outside of the relationship for their thrills and do not rely on novelty to give themselves the high of being in love. They have greater satisfaction, a greater degree of investment in the relationship and a lack of perceived alternatives - they look only to their partner for all the benefits of a loving relationship.

You do not rate as: High risk promiscuity - 15 to 20 points

People in this bracket will have a tendency towards excitement, novelty and risk-taking, seeking these out through high-octane activities (from skydiving to working on the trading floor) as well as meeting new people. They will seek arousal and pleasure as a result of brain chemistry: dopamine (the pleasure chemical) is released when faced by a novel or challenging situation. They might be impulsive, responding easily to external stimuli and tend to view others as play things, generally not taking life very seriously. They might also have high testosterone levels which would account for an elevated sexual drive - testosterone also makes people more determined which can explain why so many politicians and people in power have affairs.

Wanderlust strikes again

My January trip to Leyte got short-circuited at the last minute, but that hasn't stopped me from trying to organize another trip out of Manila. This time though, the travel will take much, much longer...but I won't be leaving the island of Luzon at all.

Ria and I are thinking about going to faraway Vigan in the summer, possibly in late April or in May, on a very long road trip with my Jazz. While I have no doubt that my little hamster is up to the task, I wonder if I'm in the same condition.

Another concern is passengers. Ria will not be allowed to go if it's just the two of us; we'll need at least one more girl who's willing to go. I've invited Denise, but I haven't had any reply from her yet.

Oh well. We've got two months to think about this before the idea officially goes kaput.

Short but sweet

I spent the better part of this holiday afternoon chatting away with Cher.

I miss all those days when we'd just blabber away on YM.

Let's do this again.

Bui buibuibui buuuuuuuuuui!

Mellow drama

It's been so long since I've known right from wrong
Got no job, sometimes I just sit down and sulk
Wondering if anything will go right
Oh, will you dance with me tonight?

When the sun departs I feel a hole down in my heart
Put on some shoes, come down here and listen to the blues
Wondering if anything will go right
Oh, will you dance with me tonight?

I'm looking at you, you're looking at me
We're the only two off the dance floor, do you see what I see?
Two broken lives, working in harmony
Might make for a decent time, so get up and dance with me

I know that its seems like the grass will grow
Better on the other side of the barbed-wire fence, but
That other side is not in sight
So I'm fine with what I have now if you'll dance with me tonight

What's the point of life if risk is just a board game?
You roll the dice but you keep hoping that the rules change
What's the point if you can't bring yourself to say
Things you want to say like "dance with me tonight..."

- Hugh Grant, "Dance With Me Tonight"

Novocaine

Last night I gave Denise a belated Valentine's present: a pair of earrings.


She offered to invite me inside for dinner and dessert, but I turned her offer down as I wasn't hungry. We stayed outside her house, cracking jokes like old times, poking fun at each other about how we were both gaining weight, and playing with her adorably sociable pug Bailey. When I told her I came from this year's auditions for the Accenture Chorale, Denise asked me to sing...and I sang her the tenor part of "The Lord Bless You and Keep You."

After all these years and failed attempts, I guess I haven't really gotten over her. She was the one...or someone pretty close to being the one. Yet I already know she will never look at me as anything more than a good friend. Still, I wonder if there's any truth to what Auntie Carole said when she saw that photo of Denise and I on the phone I lent her during her stay. When she heard my story, Auntie Carole told me not to give up hope and that things may change in the future.

There's something different this time, however. The JM of three months ago would have moped and sulked and wallowed in self-pity about the hopelessness of the situation to no end. I still feel all those emotions now, but I'm strangely detached to them, as if I had taken a shot of novocaine. I feel the distant warm fuzzy happiness of being in love, but a very muted sense of the disappointment as well---so mild, it doesn't even bother me.

I can almost say I don't mind the null possibility of Denise and I ending up together. As long as she is happy and I can remain in her life, I feel I can be content.

Perhaps I've learned to tune out most of the emotional bullshit I used to feed myself so often in the past. Perhaps I've actually grown up a little after all the drama and misery of 2007. So is this what they mean by becoming "emotionally mature?"

Being the animal of emotion I am, this is strange. But I think I can grow to like it.