So this is what it feels like.

(one.)
The feeling of independence, of not having parents or anyone else to help. The experience of boarding with colleagues---not on some summer outing, but because we're all teammates doomed to committing overtime hours for an extended period. The shock of missing objects or things instead of family members. The quirks of having to iron your clothes without an iron. The irritation of being awake at 4 a.m. while everyone else is snoring away. The power of a caffeine overdose---and its crippling, mind-burning consequences.

For these I have to thank Joel, Candice and Sara. We still have a long road ahead and it is fraught with disappointment, frustration and bewilderment. I am glad I had to share it with you three.

(two.)
The feeling of helplessness and being lied to. The disappointment of seeing you being hailed as our representative for our concerns, when you've done nothing to stand up for all our sacrifices and grievances. The abandonment from other teams that are supposed to be doing their jobs; instead, all the blame, pressure and effort is piled on our shoulders yet again. The weariness from being asked to play superhero all the time when we so obviously are not, nor did we deserve to be treated as such. The empty promise heaped on us for our effort and sacrifice when it is obviously not enough compensation. The growing urge to give up and refuse flat-out.

How long will this go on? When will it all end? I refuse to believe you any longer. Your words are as empty as your ass-kissing soul. Let's see how good a leader you are when not one among your subordinates believes you.

(three.)
The feeling of having a confidant friend in the craziness of the Internet. The reassurance that there is someone willing to listen to whatever screwed-up idea pops up in my head. The appreciation one can only get from having an audience---one very willing at that.

Thank you, Grace. I have much to learn from you and I will keep on asking you questions. And yes, I really do want to sing for you one of these days.

(four.)
The will to make something else out of my time, but not the resources nor the freedom to do so. The vanishing of whatever little social life I used to have. The desire to be somewhere else.

Is this what being burnt out feels like?

(five.)
The unpleasant feeling that rears its green head when you see the women you used to cherish being happy with men who aren't you. The lingering question that stabs you in the head and heart with a glass dagger: "Why not me?" The onset of doubt: "Am I destined to be alone forever? Have I met my quota of learning experiences of what true love is like?" The self-loathing. The broken self-esteem.

So this is what it feels like.

Dear Ira

You probably don't know me as anything other than the relatively new tenor at the choir. You don't even know my name. Conversely, I don't know you very well either as anything other than the niece of my choirmaster.

That said, I have a few words you might want to listen to. I bet you won't fully understand what I'm saying until at least five years from now, but I'll say it anyway.

If you knew anything at all about me, I generally dislike kids. I especially dislike your brothers and cousins because they're so boisterous and unruly, and I'm the strict disciplinarian type who won't shirk from whupping some butt in the name of setting kids straight.

I admire you because you're very well-adjusted, given your tender age of nine. You act like the stereotypical big sister: stern, responsible, well-meaning and perfectionist, if a little bitchy and catty for it. That's generally a good thing, a virtue. The way you volunteered to sing in place of our absentee members yesterday is very, very admirable.

But let me tell you this: you're too young for that.

You're way too young to become bitchy and catty. (Er, "bitch" is a bad word. I don't mean it in a bad way, but don't imitate me saying it...not just yet. ) You're still too young to be fretting over stuff, especially stuff that grown-ups like us should be concerned with. You're too young to cover for the idiotic foolishness of your brothers the way you do.

Most of all, you're too young to be wearing a razor-sharp frown the way I see you do.

You're a nine-year-old kid, a girl at that. Honestly, I think you should be enjoying it. Enjoy your ballet lessons, enjoy your classmates, enjoy the company of your friends and don't worry unnecessarily. Kids have the license to get away with stupid things the way most grown-ups just wish they could. Don't be in a hurry to grow up---I'm speaking from experience and it's not good.

Don't act like me because you'll end up like me. I don't want that kind of life for you. I want you to be happy in these halcyon days because they will pass by much, much faster than you think, and when they do, you can never have them back no matter how much you want them to. Enjoy what you can, while you can. Your mom and dad may put limits and dampers to your fun, but I know them and they mean you well.

I don't know how much more often I will be able to see you. I don't even know if we'll ever be properly introduced. Those are questions for the future, and you don't see me worrying about them, so you shouldn't too. All I want is to see you smiling more often, regardless of whether you know me or not.

Pardon me for being so long-winded...I know kids have short attention spans nowadays so I'll leave you to your business. Just stay happy.

Cheers,
JM

Wanted: enthusiasm from fellow choir members

Lately it's become rather disheartening and disappointing to stay on as a member of our church choir. The level of commitment and enthusiasm is a far cry from what I see in the Accenture Chorale...heck, even from just the Cybergate Choir. I daresay we don't even sound as good as we should be. To top it all off, we just essentially celebrated the departure of yet another member.

It's rare that I wax religious in my posts, or even my thoughts, but I will keep on singing as much as I can. It's a good way of serving the Lord. I'm afraid to say how long I will keep singing in my own church is still up in the air, however. Without opportunities to learn something new, or encouragement from other members, it has become truly tempting to ply my trade somewhere else.

Chalk up one more recent disappointment in a year that's been full of them, I reckon.

Sage advice for the lonely souls

We spend much of our lives alone. Some cope with it better than others. The ones who don’t are primed and ready for victimhood. You have to learn to be with yourself, because if you don’t, there’s a whole world of drugs, booze and rotten people who will be your friend until you’ve been sucked dry. Beware of what loneliness makes you do...

This quote is brought to you by the LA Weekly...and one of the creepier stories I've read.

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Early morning overtime's a bitch

The past week I've been going to the office at 7am more frequently than usual---four days out of five a week, to be exact, instead of the usual one. This was a bid to put in overtime hours for my current project at work.

However I'm finding the schedule increasingly tough on my body. This is the first week that I've been at it (I reserve Fridays as no-overtime days). Already I feel lousier and lousier with every exit from the glass doors at work, and it shows up on my face. Factor in the intense pressure on our team and the disappointing behavior of our onshore counterparts, and it feels like another one of those projects where you're being asked to move heaven and earth.

Still, as I was waiting for breakfast today at a fastfood restaurant, I was reminded of how much better I have it at work compared to other people. I can't imagine myself in a fastfood restaurant; imagine the pressure to serve and take orders as efficiently and as quickly as possible on a daily basis. Then again each job has its own demands and idiosyncrasies.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out like this, so I've decided to take up the offer of free lodging at a nearby hotel while we're on overtime. I wonder if it'll make any difference.

The hunger remains

Perhaps I'm not as evil or as undesirable as I thought. According to others, I'm actually better adjusted than I give myself credit for.

So why am I still the lone wolf?

It is supposedly because the little things matter so much to me. They do, because it's through the little things that I show my humanity.

Yet again I am a slave to the tightening garrote of expectations...I expect something in return for what I do, and I am disappointed when I don't get it. How expensive is it, in the grand scheme of things, to be recognized and appreciated?

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I am told that just doing the right thing should be the reward in itself.

Homogeneity is not the answer I was looking for. Homogeneity is not what belonging should be all about. I am not evil or twisted or sociopathic; I am just different; I am myself. I do not need to be invited by people and colleagues to parties and gimmicks just to validate that we're friends. All I have to do is be myself, as helpful as I've ever been.

Thanks, PJ.

Maybe that time will come. Maybe that person will come. Until then, all I can do is work behind the scenes like I've always done.

...I am still eternally hungry for appreciation.

Sigh.

Look what I got in the mail today

Apparently Gracey left me an unexpected parting gift: a signed, hardbound copy of "The Little Prince" and a signed copy of a small paperback called "Work Therapy." That was totally unexpected. I'll find the time to read them.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

No time like the present

I haven't had much to write about lately. A lot of things have happened, but I don't feel the urge to write about them.

The past couple of weeks have seen a few dear people leave my life. They've also seen a few not-so-dear people leave me for no intelligible reason other than their thinking they know me well.

I'm also learning that perhaps the heartbreak bitterness isn't gone yet, but I have to live through this because there's nothing else I can do.

Replacing some of those dear friends is a new "big sister" of sorts who's been patient with listening to me and my insecurities. Thanks. You know who you are.

The virtue that tickles my psyche the most nowadays is "serenity." According to a prayer on one of my mother's kitchen decorations, it's the acceptance of things I can't do anything about. Lavishing emotion and anger on stuff that's already happened is a tremendous waste of time. It's just a matter of ingraining this lesson into my stubborn mental fiber.

I am slowly realizing that there's no time like the present. For far too long, the fear of making mistakes and my insecurities have gotten in the way of what I wanted to do. It shouldn't matter if I want to ask someone out on a date or book a two-way flight to the province. If I can do it, I should chase my happiness. What else will stop me? What else should stop me?

I should keep trying now. I'm not getting any younger.

I'm about to lose my anchor

My colleague and friend Grace is leaving us for greener pastures...much to the shock and bewilderment of many on our team. Tomorrow is the start of her final week.

While I can't deny I got saddened and a little infuriated because I didn't know about this sooner, I can't really help things by stewing. Instead I decided to give her birthday gift three weeks early. Good for me I already bought it in advance.

Ever since she got that Olympus Mju 770SW camera of hers, she's been taking snapshot upon snapshot with it on her many travels. Knowing how quirky her taste is and how frequently she shoots, I got her a Joby Gorillapod Classic as an investment for her photographic hobby. Wow, did she rave like a little kid when she opened it. Apparently she'd been wishing for one for a while after seeing one of her mountain-climbing friends bring one, and I just so happened to be the fairy godmoth...uh, godfather. Moments after opening the Gorillapod, she affectionately called it "Gorio."

We've had our share of problems but she's still my anchor to my other colleagues. Even though I was gradually weaning myself from her, nothing could have prepared me for her total departure. She was a bright bit of sunshine the whole time I knew her. All I can do is leave her with a few good memories while she's here and hope for the best for her in Switzerland.

Thank you, Gracey. Barclays definitely won't be the same without you.

The consequences of "first-child syndrome" fuelled by rage

I'm stuck in the notion that I can actually change things by sheer force of will and a lot of vitriol.

Even though I know I can't, I still engage in this idiotic, idiosyncratic folly.

Go with the flow, people say.

I can't.

I'm the proverbial salmon, fighting the tide and going upstream with no rational explanation, except for thinking things should go exactly the way I envision them to be. I want people to follow the rules. I want people to be conscious of the rules even if they aren't being enforced properly.

I want them to think, dammit! I want them to reciprocate! I want them to feel guilty before they commit to something stupid!

Sigh.

What an enormous waste of energy and willpower attributable to what our priest calls "first-child syndrome."

GAH! I feel nauseous. I am a failed Dr. Gregory House clone. At least his browbeating and overbearing behavior actually gets results. In contrast people just look at me and silently scream "What the fuck's this guy's problem?"



I have to let go at some point. I hope I don't get to the point where all the coiled-up tension and animosity just snaps my springs.

Socializing 101

When someone greets you hello after a long time, the proper thing to do is to greet them back.

What you don't do is give some cryptically sarcastic, uncalled-for reply that makes the other party actually feel bad that he/she greeted you in the first place.

Is that not correct? Of course it is.

Then why are you doing precisely the wrong thing?

Ah well, whatever. That's not for me to lose sleep and grow wrinkles and eyebags over.

Contradictory wisdom, part 1

Not everything can be explained by statistics. Intangibles are what will give you the edge over others.

So says my "big brother" at work, PJ. I suppose that's true.

Unfortunately not enough people pick up on those intangibles...which is why sometimes it really, really makes sense to follow Ayrton Senna's advice:

Nice guys don't win.

Gift-giving has its rewards...I guess

Giving presents should be a straightforward process, right?

Apparently, it isn't always that way. You see, it feels like a waste of effort and money when I hear the present isn't being enjoyed the way it's supposed to be.

I've prepared a number of gifts for my friends at work. The problem is they seldom have the time to fully enjoy what I give them...and so far my contributions have ranged from books to CDs to a free trip to the spa as a "job well done" treat.

I know it's the thought that counts, but knowing that they actually enjoyed my gift counts just that little bit more.

Rest in peace, Colin McRae.

An acquaintance of mine from an old forum I used to frequent sent me news that Colin McRae just died in a helicopter crash.

McRae's wins in the World Rally Championship while driving the Subaru Legacy WRC were my formal introduction to the world of rallying. The man loved racing in any and almost all forms: he also participated in the Paris-Dakar Rally and I know he tested Bentley's Speed Six Le Mans racer for Autocar a few times. Not many people liked him for being a colorful character, but you can't deny he had buckets of talent.

Next to the also-recently-deceased Richard Burns, I consider McRae the consummate rally driver. He will be missed.

The illusion of forgiveness

We're taught to think that sins can be forgiven, bad habits can be abolished and a return to innocence is possible.

Is that really the case?

From personal experience I know my doubts aren't simply unfounded. Old habits are hard to get rid of, if at all possible. Sins can be forgiven perhaps, but it's impractical to totally forget what people have done to us due to their character flaws---and vice versa. It's just the natural thing to do to cover our asses.

A return to innocence? Let's just say we're all dirty washcloths. The water used to supposedly launder us of our adulterations unfortunately can't be drained and changed.

Battle Gear 4 for me, thanks

I tried Initial D 4 again. Sure enough, my suspicions of "invisible walls" are confirmed, at least on Akagi and Shin-Myogi. Colliding against these things slows me down to an inexplicably sluggish pace that I have so much trouble recovering from.

This isn't stopping the game from gaining relative popularity though. Well, the players can have it. At this point I can say I'm through with Initial D 4.

As far as I'm concerned, if I wanted a satisfying driving game I'd play Battle Gear 4. No invisible walls of frustration, no sluggish response from the wheel and a much more realistic driving experience make this my arcade racer of choice for realism.

Besides, I already have my own car and I've slain more than my share of giants in real life. People can harp about realism and my sucking in arcade driving games all they want. However, I've already humiliated a fair number of hotshot drivers on the streets---I have nothing else to prove.

Four years in the making

I haven't seen my friend Kathy in the longest time, so I was glad when we finally got the chance to go out last night.

After her party and my weekend work session, we met up at Shangri-la Plaza. The place is unfamiliar to both our peepers, so we ended up consulting the directory on where to go. After buying movie tickets, we ambled our way to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner, conversation and jokes.

We had an hour to burn before the movie began, so we simply walked around and window-shopped while laughing our guts out and making fools of ourselves.

Then "Hairspray" began. We marveled at newcomer and headliner Nikki Blonsky's perky sweetness, an in-drag John Travolta showing what he could have been before Saturday Night Fever, laughed at Christopher Walken's kooky gags and gasped at Michelle Pfeiffer's mean bitchy streak.

When big girl Tracy Turnblad's (Blonsky) dream to star on "The Corny Collins Show" comes true, she becomes a catalyst for social change as she fights for integration of African-Americans and plus-size women on TV in Baltimore, circa 1962. The movie is simply wonderful, both in message and execution, and within the first five minutes I decided I was going to buy this soundtrack.

In short, we had a rollicking good time.

Thanks Kathy! We should do this more often. I hope it doesn't take another four years.

"Everything's fine in the morning"

I absolutely love this song.

Little child, be not afraid
Though rain pounds harsh against the glass
Like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

Little child, be not afraid
Though thunder explodes and lightning crash
Illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

And someday you'll know
That nature is so
The same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
On forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you'll see
In the morning

Little child, be not afraid
Though storm clouds mask your beloved moon
And its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight

Little child, be not afraid
Though wind makes creatures of our trees
And their branches to hands, they're not real, understand
And I am here tonight

And someday you'll know
That nature is so
The same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
On forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you'll see
In the morning

For you know, once even I was a
Little child, and I was afraid
But a gentle someone always came
To dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
And to give a kiss goodnight

Well now I am grown
And these years have shown
That rain's a part of how life goes
But it's dark and it's late
So I'll hold you and wait
'Til your frightened eyes do close

And I hope that you'll know
That nature is so
The same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
On forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you'll see
In the morning

Everything's fine in the morning,
The rain'll be gone in the morning,
But I'll still be here in the morning...

- Vienna Teng with Tiffany Shih, "Lullaby for a Stormy Night"

Celluloid wisdom

Over lunch, we got to watch "The Pursuit of Happyness." Say what you will about Will Smith, but apart from a few errors in continuity and history this movie is just about perfect...and Smith does put in a very very good performance.

At its core it's a heartwarming true story about a father in San Francisco who is determined to make ends meet and become successful in the worst possible circumstances. He has a five-year-old son, his wife leaves him for work in New York, he sells portable bone-density scanners no one wants and soon enough he's homeless. And while without a salary, he's trying for an internship only one person out of a batch of would-be stockbrokers will get.

What's admirable about Chris Gardner is how he took it all on the chin. In the face of adversity, he left the bare minimum of time to mope, if he did at all. Then he moved on to what he thought was the next best course of action.

And he did all this without leaving his son's side. His son knew first-hand what kind of a man his old man was.

One of the film's initial scenes is a downcast Chris watching a horde of happy stockbrokers. "What makes them so damn happy?" he muses. At the very end, we see him raising his hands, crying in joy, merging with the same crowd after all the hardship he had gone through.
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Quotes of the moment:

"Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something, not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. You want something, you go get it. Period."
- Chris Gardner to his son, "The Pursuit of Happyness"

"You know what the problem with you is? You don't know when you've won."
- Jacob Fuller to Seth Gecko, "From Dusk Till Dawn"

The "My Accenture" party photos

Not much of an update today, except for my uploaded photos of the recently concluded "My Accenture" party I was talking about in previous posts.

Click here to check them out. Enjoy!