Even though I know I can't, I still engage in this idiotic, idiosyncratic folly.
Go with the flow, people say.
I'm the proverbial salmon, fighting the tide and going upstream with no rational explanation, except for thinking things should go exactly the way I envision them to be. I want people to follow the rules. I want people to be conscious of the rules even if they aren't being enforced properly.
I want them to think, dammit! I want them to reciprocate! I want them to feel guilty before they commit to something stupid!
What an enormous waste of energy and willpower attributable to what our priest calls "first-child syndrome."
GAH! I feel nauseous. I am a failed Dr. Gregory House clone. At least his browbeating and overbearing behavior actually gets results. In contrast people just look at me and silently scream "What the fuck's this guy's problem?"
I have to let go at some point. I hope I don't get to the point where all the coiled-up tension and animosity just snaps my springs.