I'm stuck in the notion that I can actually change things by sheer force of will and a lot of vitriol.
Even though I know I can't, I still engage in this idiotic, idiosyncratic folly.
Go with the flow, people say.
I can't.
I'm the proverbial salmon, fighting the tide and going upstream with no rational explanation, except for thinking things should go exactly the way I envision them to be. I want people to follow the rules. I want people to be conscious of the rules even if they aren't being enforced properly.
I want them to think, dammit! I want them to reciprocate! I want them to feel guilty before they commit to something stupid!
Sigh.
What an enormous waste of energy and willpower attributable to what our priest calls "first-child syndrome."
GAH! I feel nauseous. I am a failed Dr. Gregory House clone. At least his browbeating and overbearing behavior actually gets results. In contrast people just look at me and silently scream "What the fuck's this guy's problem?"
I have to let go at some point. I hope I don't get to the point where all the coiled-up tension and animosity just snaps my springs.
Even though I know I can't, I still engage in this idiotic, idiosyncratic folly.
Go with the flow, people say.
I can't.
I'm the proverbial salmon, fighting the tide and going upstream with no rational explanation, except for thinking things should go exactly the way I envision them to be. I want people to follow the rules. I want people to be conscious of the rules even if they aren't being enforced properly.
I want them to think, dammit! I want them to reciprocate! I want them to feel guilty before they commit to something stupid!
Sigh.
What an enormous waste of energy and willpower attributable to what our priest calls "first-child syndrome."
GAH! I feel nauseous. I am a failed Dr. Gregory House clone. At least his browbeating and overbearing behavior actually gets results. In contrast people just look at me and silently scream "What the fuck's this guy's problem?"
I have to let go at some point. I hope I don't get to the point where all the coiled-up tension and animosity just snaps my springs.
2 comments:
i'm totally diagnosed with the same thing.
I had a full blown argument with my brother, next in line, of 5 because he didn't do what we/our parents expected him to do. Days later, I realized that I, too, was going against the tide and leaving my own (my kids/husband) as second priority. I have had to reshift my thinking and prioritize my life. Who cares what others do! We all do things differently! And, that my friend, has been a hard lesson, and one that to this day my parents just don't accept. They still want us all to be walking in their ways, with me at the front with the whip (figuratively speaking).
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