about the talking fish

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Writer. Wheelman. Occasional DIY mechanic. Walking collection of hang-ups. Hopeless romantic. Old-school. Analog soul in a digital world. I am all of these things and more.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

"Oh great god of music, take away this indignation that lies in front of me."

I wish I could be genuinely, truly, madly, stupidly happy, preferably because I'm so in love with a person I can't act otherwise. Trouble is, this world seems to allow people to be happy only in small doses. Notice how we laugh so shortly, how we smile so briefly. Happiness is so fleeting, sadness seems all-pervading.

Geraldine did quote someone as saying "life is just a collection of moments." What do we do with everything else that happens in between, then? What a colossal waste.

By that same token she also told me of the dangers of letting myself get exposed like this in my blog. Owning a blog and documenting everything in it is akin to being wounded and standing naked in the middle of a street. You're left vulnerable to all sorts of weirdos who'd know precisely where to hit you so it hurts. Those who aren't weirdos and are too chicken to pick on you are free to laugh at you instead.

With this blog I wanted someone to come along who'd listen to and understand me totally, and accept me for all my faults, not simply for what I can do as if I were some sort of tool. I think I've waited far too long, and maybe it's time to admit that it simply ain't coming. I'm pretty scared I've done myself irreparable damage in the process, subjecting myself to weirdos like this. People have plagiarized entire sections of my blog already.

I still so want to believe I can be truly, genuinely, deeply, stupidly happy. And I still want to believe it won't take me my death to get there. I'm sick of feeling either a toxic cocktail of negative emotions or being practically manic-depressive.

Where am I on earth if you are not there?
Though my body has broken down
Though my heart dies, you are my rock
My God, the future that waits for me

Far away from you, life is not life
To break faith with you is to be no one

With you, I am always with you
You hold me tight, your hand in mine
You bring all things to a good end
You lead me on in your good pleasure
What is heaven to me without you?

- Hangad, "Psalm 73"

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