about the talking fish

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Writer. Wheelman. Occasional DIY mechanic. Walking collection of hang-ups. Hopeless romantic. Old-school. Analog soul in a digital world. I am all of these things and more.

Friday, September 10, 2004

I realize that despite the openness I display in my blog, there are still a lot of things I don't say in these pages but occupy my mind anyway.

I am afraid, I suppose. Seeing as how things on the Internet magically and automatically become public domain (someone managed to copy my blog word for word before), I may be courting trouble once I start to pour out more than the requisite modicum of myself. I have perceptions of myself in others that I want to protect, yet I know I have little actual control over what changes these perceptions will take given future events.

Meow put it perfectly. Here was a regular HCPer (a proud ADIK I might add...don't deny it!), whom I didn't communicate with on a regular basis until just recently, and yet she managed to say quite truthfully that I was the type of person who picked out his words every so diligently. This I did so, she said, because of prudence---making sure that I didn't say anything wrong.

Yet that sort of fear is what I should be conquering in the first place.

I've got to get it into that thick skull of mine that I'm only human. No matter what I do, I cannot and inevitably will not please everybody. I am flesh and blood and as such I have the desires that come with them. Most importantly, I cannot hold myself responsible for everything that goes wrong.

It will probably take me a lifetime to fully embrace my humanity, to stop pretending that I am simply an obedient android. I've seen my innards through X-rays, I've contracted all sorts of diseases, I've hurt myself and others. How long can I keep on denying what I essentially am?

Perhaps I am blessed then, having all these good people around me to help me appreciate myself for what I am---no pretenses needed, no fake personas required. Simply me.

"Love thyself before truly loving others."

I've been meaning to talk about Denise. Ever since I realized my jealousy back in Bacolod I came to one conclusion.

She will always be like that. She will always attract men. I can't explain it very well but she just makes them gravitate to her because of what she is.

Call it "machismo" or whatnot but every time I see someone swoon her and actually succeed, I get so frustratingly jealous. Perhaps this is because I tried the same thing and failed, twice. Our being friends is good but it's probably just hurting me in the long run. I feel I have to stop being close to her for my own good. She doesn't need me anyway. I figure it's the other way around.

After our thesis is done I should seriously think about getting her out of my life. It will not be easy. I didn't realize it but currently she's a part of all the things I've joined, including Pops.

Haruki Murakami's novel "South of the Border, West of the Sun" suddenly thrusts forth from my memory, having re-read it during my trip. Murakami made mention of removing past experiences, as if surgically removing internal organs from one's body. "Something just dies inside you," he mentioned about hysteria siberiana.

That's something to think about methinks. In a sense, we all have hysteria siberiana...we need it. We have to head to the netherplace "west of the sun" to truly move on.

In that sense perhaps I need hysteria siberiana.

I am so bad at forgetting past experiences that they keep haunting me into the present. My bedroom is testament to that. Sometimes I wish I can just forget at will...but then the movie "Payback" springs to mind, the process of forgetting whole chunks of memory having serious consequences.

What a bizaare quandary, really.


Anonymous said...

Hi, JM.

Like you, I have trouble forgetting things, particularly those things that are better off forgotten. But don't waste energy and effort trying to forget. Live as best you can, in the here and now. Life is too short to spend in nostalgia ... or regret.

Best regards,

Tin (KnM)

Anonymous said...

dude...get denise out of your system...its not healthy...this is probably the last time ill ever look at your blog.i just want to tell you im sorry for the things before that i didnt see...dein ko kasi alam na you were courting denise before me...andnung kami na nagpapabigay pa ko ng stuff and hinahanap ko xa sau...i really felt bad about that...you totally dont deserve the way you got treated...well my advice for you is go out in the open...for all you know the people around you have insecurities they are scared of din..but its the will to overcome that fear that makes us human...sure we would get embarassed or turned down a couple of times...but who wasnt?di ba???siguro nga you can never really take away the fact that you like denise and tinatago mo inside you...well, tignan mo ko...i got her out of my system...its just like pag tumatagal na di mo naiisip nawawala na sa isip mo eh...pag di mo nakikita di mo na naalala eh db???ganun lang yun...believe me kasi mga x ko b4 such a pain in the ass din..hehhe sorry for that...but i still survived all that shit.and i know god will give me tougher things to hurdle...the journey of life is what makes life beautiful eh db???i mean if your already in your goal then whats the point of living???so about that mora; boosting...im sure you can do it...i know a lot of people misunderstands you but reading your blog just made me realize that your not a bad person after all...well sorry again...that book of my life with all that crap is close na and im sure you can also do it...dami pa girls na ok dyan...take care god bless :) _mike

Zen Master Angel said...

hi jm. im quite happy i got to visit this blog again. nice layout by the way. anyway, i read your entry. you have always liked her huh? ever since we were still frosh.

maybe what you said was right about her having this magnet to guys. and maybe, this is the magnet that also got you liking her. i cant blame you for having this kind of self-pity. it is perfectly okay. we are only human beings anyway, subjective to hurt and pain--most of the time, we experience from those we love.

if there is one thing i can tell you now, it doesnt mean that you have to forget about her or get her out of your system. it is a matter of being contented with what you have with her. it is accepting the truth. you are feeling resentments right now since you havent fully accepted the fact that you will be just friends. be happy for her and be happy for yourself too. you deserve to be happy. dont thrive on the fact that she is in someone else's arms and not yours. :D

wishing you the best in life