Of trains, mental replay and having only one chance.

Of trains, mental replay and having only one chance.

I used to dread the concept of us having only one chance at things, from dating a girl to taking exams to nailing the perfect moment for overtaking. I always wanted to have some insurance despite my risky decisions. I always wanted what poker players call an "out," in case I screw up or make mistakes.

Whenever things didn't go so well, I would instantly go into mental replay. I leaf through the moments in my head, carrying the all-pervading question: What should I have done back there? Maybe I shouldn't have given her the flowers this early. Maybe I shouldn't have been that cocky, attempting an overtake on the right side when I was already out of road. Maybe I should have said something else and lied better. Maybe I shouldn't have forgotten my ex's birthday. I suppose you all know the feeling.

For the most part I'm still the same guy, especially when it comes to relating with people I want to be with. I'm still slaving away with my perfectionist tendencies. However, recently I've realized that I've been abusing mental replay too often on things and people that aren't worth the time of a second thought. As Neysa told me a while ago at mass, "Get over it."

The thing is, I now know, one chance really is enough for most people. They will come and go in our lives, touching us along their merry way, and they can either stay with us for the ride through our lives or decide to get off early and change trains.

Many will no doubt leave not-so-positive impressions on us. They will leave scars, footprints, even splash puddles of rainwater on our faces before they decide they're through pulling our collective leg and taking us for a ride. That, or we decide we've finally had enough bullshit and it's just too much effort to continue keeping up an acceptable facade. At which point, we decide to stop and cut our losses. Why bend over and act like a martyr?

After everything is done, though, there will be people who will remain. They're the people who are worth the potential for regret, the effort of mental replay. They're the ones we should be taking care of, because they chose to be with us even in spite of our screw-ups and bad habits.

In short, they're the only ones who will be worth giving a second chance to.

To everyone who was willing to give me a second chance, thanks. To everyone who didn't spoil their first chance with me, many thanks also.

Unfortunately, I now have to get stingy with the people I'll be willing to give that all-important second chance to. I've been hurt too many times and it's tiresome being this lenient, and I've been worrying and regretting about worthless ghosts all this time.

Quote of the moment:

"There was a time, way back in college that I seriously tried to fit in. I realized it can only go either 1. you give it up eventually because it's so fucking tiring, or 2. you succeed and forget who you truly are and get lost in the process...I'd rather be rejected for what I am than accepted for what I'm not."

--- Hedwig de Leon