Jaded with the Internet

These days I go online and look at the Internet and go to my usual sites and spend hours clicking away until I realize I'm basically looking at nothing. I'm clicking at the Refresh button and seeing no change when I expect something fresh to appear.

The pathetic thing about this is I go online almost everyday.

I am seriously bored with it.

Perhaps it's time for me to get off my bum, forget about the Internet and all its stupidity, and just do something physical for a change.

Why, dammit, why

Why can't we all just get along?

Why can't we just follow the damn rules and respect the people in authority?

Why can't we just listen to the grievances of others without biases?

Why can't we stop crowding and tailgating other cars while driving?

Why do our egos always have to get in the way?

Why don't we look enough times before we leap?

Why won't the feuding ever stop?

Why do we have to get jealous of what other people have?

Why are we so trigger-happy?

Twenty-eight days ain't enough

February is a busy, busy month for me - much busier than normal.

Last week Mav and I went to Canyon Cove for my birthday and to ACE Water Spa on the weekend, and then the week before that I went to Niku and Chielou's fabulous wedding.

Tomorrow my mate Ador and I will be participating at the Accenture Badminton Club Cup tournament, while the weekend after, Mav, Joghz, Paolo, Ara and I will be going to Batangas Racing Circuit for my first trackday there.

All the while, my beloved Uncle Butch and Auntie Carole are vacationing here with us until the beginning of March.

It's certainly a jam-packed month. So many things are happening every week that it actually feels slower and more enjoyable than normal. I think I could've planned it out a little better so I could spend more time with my aunt and uncle, but so far so good.

Spring cleaning

I talk about getting my own place all the time nowadays but honestly I have no idea if I already know how to actually own my own place. Owning is a given if you've paid for it of course, but by "owning" I mean the upkeep and maintenance of a house.

If I'm ever going to start somewhere, I should start with what I already have: my room.

The perennial problem with me and my room is dust. My sinuses easily get sore from the feces of dust mites, and there's just too darn much of the stuff. It doesn't help that dust mites and I share one thing in common: a liking for paper. I'm a bit of a pack rat when it comes to old magazines, especially - I cannot let go of them immediately.

So December 30 saw me spending most of the day in my room, conducting my own version of spring cleaning. Out with the dusty magazines and sinusitis-inducing dust, and in with a clean room. I was suprised how much stuff I had removed and how heavy all those old issues of Autocar ASEAN and Top Gear weighed. Even with a dust mask on, however, by the time I was almost finished my sinuses eventually gave in and released a torrent of mucus and a storm of sneezes.

My room is clean again...for now. Maybe it's also good for me to clean out all those remnants of my past, and perhaps move on to newer and better things to learn from.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Christmas of exhaustion

I guess I really am getting older. Not only has Christmas lost its characteristic "spark" as a holiday, but 2009's yuletide celebrations have also seen me in my poorest state of health yet. Between consecutive parties, lots of food and not enough sleep, and even a wedding the morning after Christmas Day, I felt like I could collapse and tremble at any time had my will not kept me on my feet. Naps have quickly become my best friend to alleviate my sleep debt.

This year I can also say that I've pretty much "graduated" from gifts. They're a welcome occurrence but I didn't really expect to receive anything. That said, I got a few nice trinkets. I was perhaps much more concentrated on giving gifts rather than receiving them this year, though.

Besides I have such a huge mess in my room now because of so much stuff crammed into it.

Maybe this year's Christmas losing its "spark" has helped me grow even just a little bit. Perhaps I've come to appreciate the season more for what it truly is rather than what people say it should be. Who knows, really.

A belated but meaningful Christmas to all!

"Not for everyone," huh.

And "if you're everyone then everyone sucks," eh.

If being a purist means having to contend with blown egos, spending contests and hardparkers, I'd gladly be part of "everyone."

Thanks for the invite, but you can have your JDM. I don't want it. I have bigger fish to fry.

Look it up

Over the past few months I've become genuinely surprised, frustrated and annoyed at how lazy people have become searching the wealth of information the Internet has. Here we are, swimming in a veritable ocean of information, and yet people still keep asking the same dumb questions - persistently.

Worse, people are becoming gullible and believing all these myths circulated by email, forums and whatnot. They don't even realize that a lot of these said myths have already been tested and debunked.

I have to wonder: Am I the only one nowadays who can appreciate the value of "looking it up?" As a kid I was brought up by my dad to find the answers to my own questions. Back then I criticized him for taking what I thought was the easy way out of my nagging, but now I realize he was actually teaching me a very valuable lesson.

So those of you out there reading this: Before you nag other people with questions about what you don't know, let your fingers do some work for you. How hard is it to go to a search engine, type in a string of words into a one-line text field, and hit the Enter key afterward? You will not believe how much "work" people think you put in when you simply show them the results of your Internet search.

CHRISTmas 2008: No time for long faces

Christmas sure isn't doing me and my stomach any favors. With food being served left and right, it's a major challenge just trying to keep control. Some dietitians say people shouldn't deprive themselves or exercise too much control over their diets over the holidays, but the scary truth is, a lot of people seem to die in December or January due to hypertension or heart attacks. Until I can shed these Christmas calories, hot tea is my friend.

People say us Filipinos are a lucky bunch in these times because we hardly feel the effects of the global economic recession that's torn chunks out of every other country. Whether it's due to Philippine economic factors such as low production of exports, or the opinion that "we've been in shitty times before the recession anyway" is debatable, although both are valid. In the US, though, things are pretty bad (or are they really? The Americans have a habit of exaggerating and living in the extremes, right Dynee?). People are waiting with bated breath over the future of their careers; not even my beloved Uncle Butch's tenure is bulletproof now.

I know I frequently criticize Fr. Ramon Ramos' overly long homilies and repetitive themes, but his sermon today was really on point. So much of the things we say and sing about the season aren't really related to Christmas itself. It's not about overflowing food and chestnuts roasting on an open fire, or dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, and it's definitely not about being broken-hearted or having gifts. The real reason we're celebrating today is because the Man Upstairs loved us so much that He wanted to see how it was like living as one of us. That very thought alone is cause for a lot of celebration---so despite the so-called recession, let's not have Him catch us with long faces. Let's not forget Him in our revelry, either.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

For whom am I going to cheer for now?

First, Honda made a shock announcement that it's withdrawing from Formula 1 next year.

Next, Suzuki and Subaru have effectively short-circuited their campaigns in the FIA World Rally Championship and quit, effective 2009.

What a shame. Just when things were beginning to come into fruition for these three beloved Japanese car companies with sport in their blood, the faltering economy and, in Subaru's case, harsh rule changes (which require it to manufacture a brand-new car in 2010 just to enter) made it so easy for their boards of directors to quickly slash the red ink across the motorsport campaigns that characterized them.

The most poignant of these three "victims" is Honda. They fought through Formula 1 in 2007 and 2008 with dogs for cars but threw development effort into their 2009 entry very early in the season. Now it's all going to waste when it finally seemed so promising.

What a crying shame.

This says it all, really

A suggestion: Rewrite the banner to account for text-speak, too.

Abused status jargon garbage

You kids think brandishing the status of "it's complicated" on Friendster is cool. You whippersnappers don't even know the meaning of the word.

What the hell do you know about relationships and complications when you're not even fifteen years old yet?

Complicated, my ass.

The dramachine wears down

Lately I've gone through my life with less of the old drama I used to pepper this blog (and its readers) with. That's not to say that there hasn't been any drama at all; it's just that I've opted not to let it affect me as it did any more.

Life goes on. I guess I could say I've started becoming wiser. I drive at a sedate pace 80% of the time, no longer doggedly chasing assholes on the road like the cop I'm not. I'm more amenable to letting things slide past me, knowing that it usually isn't worth the effort of being angry. Sure, my gut has grown, but I've learned to live with it anyway without worrying unnecessarily.

A few doors have opened for me---I'm not sure whether they were expected or otherwise, but they have opened. Whether or not I jump headlong into them would have been the subject of intense brooding and moping around had I been younger. Nowadays though, I am content to wait. Perhaps it is because of the weight of my previous, foolish choices; or the avoidance of undue pressure and worrying; or the fear of potential anguish on the part of others.

All I know for sure is I am grateful I am in my current position at the moment. Moments like these are all too fleeting and meant to be savored to the full. I can feel the uncertainty and insecurity ebbing from the road of my life, like standing water draining away.

Quote for the moment

"Kung hindi naglalapit ang katawan ninyo, hug ba iyon?"

Of loneliness, insignificance and Macross

By all accounts, I should be sad. I just conceded whatever chance I had with Denise. I should be mourning.

But you know what? I'm not sad at all. Maybe I've grown a bit in all those years. I refuse to get bogged down by heartache and disappointment any longer. I can close this chapter of my life without regrets because I know I tried my best. Perhaps it took me too long to call it quits, but that's no longer important.

Next to what happened to PJ, my troubles are nothing.
===

I got a welcome surprise on YM the other day. My old friend Grace buzzed me...and after some distance between us over the past few months, I truly missed her.

We've had our misgivings and problems, but underneath it all I guess she and I are kindred spirits. We both know how demoralizing loneliness and sadness can be, how it can push us to do really stupid things in an effort to get it out of our system. Although we're doing better now, we still have bouts of that evil emotion from time to time.

Perhaps this time, we can be each other's crutches.
===

I want to watch Macross again.

I want to believe that a love so pure and untainted truly does exist, even if I already have too much knowledge to the contrary.

I want to meet my own Misa Hayase.

I want to believe that love can prevail even in the midst of sheer disappointment and after lots of effort, the same kind of effort Misa put in for her beloved Hikaru.

Macross is a boyhood dream, I guess. What's so wrong in believing in it once again?

That's some parting gift, congressmen

It truly is unfortunate when the last thing your vacationing aunt sees and hears on TV and AM radio the day before she leaves for home is the loud bickering of a complaining House Speaker. Last night's episode just exposes the Philippine Congress as the pathetic excuse of a legislative body it is, complete with the infamous utang na loob and admittance of political favors straight out of the horses' mouths.

Philippine politics at its best? If this is the best we can muster, I truly feel sorry for our country.

Life, age and bittersweet chocolate

I thought about a few things and it seems the perfect analogy for 2007 and my life in general nowadays is dark chocolate.

I remember having Hershey's Assortment chocolates over the holiday when I was a kid, and I'd pick out my favorite Krackel rice-crisp-studded milk chocolate over anything else in the bag. The last I'd touch were the nuggets of Hershey's Special Dark---they tasted weird. Well technically, they were still preferable over anything with peanuts in it such as Mr. Goodbar.

Nowadays, though, I've acquired a taste for the dark stuff. In my teens I lost my desire for milk chocolate and didn't really miss it all that much. It was only in my last couple of years in college that I tasted dark chocolate again, and was smitten by the full, bittersweet flavor and the way it never let go of my tastebuds. It's a world away from the sweet, creamy milk chocolate I used to enjoy as a kid. Often I purposely look for dark chocolate when we get these boxes of assorted chocolates and chocolate-covered biscuits once in a while.

Imagine my surprise when that eternal favorite, Nestle Crunch, actually comes in a dark variety...and tastes pretty damn good! I'm still not the connoisseur type, though: I shirk from Meiji's 86% Cacao ultra-dark chocolate because it tastes very very bitter, with an earthy taste.

I've acquired a taste for dark chocolate, much the same way as I've become a little more serene and accepted the bitterness of living as a twentysomething. Perhaps my loss of appetite for all the sweet milk and extra-creamy chocolate I used to enjoy in my childhood was an indication of how well I had things going for me. My expectations kept getting fulfilled, I have to admit it spoiled me for a while. Enjoying the bittersweet things, I guess, points to making the best of what comes my way and trying to enjoy it as much as I can.

Perhaps I'm not quite there yet, but I can certainly say I'm along the way.

2007: Maybe it hasn't been so bad...

Trying to tread the thin line between being appreciative and thinking about this thing too much isn't always easy, but I'm surprised how well I've been doing.

I guess I've gained some serenity over a 2007 filled with moments of disappointment, heartbreak, stupidity and living life dangerously. I've managed to stare my vices and evils in the face, indulge in them to see how far I can go, and come to some semblance of sanity and temperance.

Next year, perhaps, should be my full return to innocence. As much as I still seek the state of being "stupidly happy," I've come to the age where living stupidly with any other emotions attached cannot be tolerated.

I do not need to please everyone; I please enough of the people that matter. I do not need companionship as much as I thought; I have learned and have yet to learn to enjoy being lonely, being by myself.

This year has practically been put to bed, its heartbeat ebbing away in its death throes. From its dregs comes a new year, a chance to bet my life again.

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can, serenity to accept the things I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference."

Amen.

So this is what it feels like.

(one.)
The feeling of independence, of not having parents or anyone else to help. The experience of boarding with colleagues---not on some summer outing, but because we're all teammates doomed to committing overtime hours for an extended period. The shock of missing objects or things instead of family members. The quirks of having to iron your clothes without an iron. The irritation of being awake at 4 a.m. while everyone else is snoring away. The power of a caffeine overdose---and its crippling, mind-burning consequences.

For these I have to thank Joel, Candice and Sara. We still have a long road ahead and it is fraught with disappointment, frustration and bewilderment. I am glad I had to share it with you three.

(two.)
The feeling of helplessness and being lied to. The disappointment of seeing you being hailed as our representative for our concerns, when you've done nothing to stand up for all our sacrifices and grievances. The abandonment from other teams that are supposed to be doing their jobs; instead, all the blame, pressure and effort is piled on our shoulders yet again. The weariness from being asked to play superhero all the time when we so obviously are not, nor did we deserve to be treated as such. The empty promise heaped on us for our effort and sacrifice when it is obviously not enough compensation. The growing urge to give up and refuse flat-out.

How long will this go on? When will it all end? I refuse to believe you any longer. Your words are as empty as your ass-kissing soul. Let's see how good a leader you are when not one among your subordinates believes you.

(three.)
The feeling of having a confidant friend in the craziness of the Internet. The reassurance that there is someone willing to listen to whatever screwed-up idea pops up in my head. The appreciation one can only get from having an audience---one very willing at that.

Thank you, Grace. I have much to learn from you and I will keep on asking you questions. And yes, I really do want to sing for you one of these days.

(four.)
The will to make something else out of my time, but not the resources nor the freedom to do so. The vanishing of whatever little social life I used to have. The desire to be somewhere else.

Is this what being burnt out feels like?

(five.)
The unpleasant feeling that rears its green head when you see the women you used to cherish being happy with men who aren't you. The lingering question that stabs you in the head and heart with a glass dagger: "Why not me?" The onset of doubt: "Am I destined to be alone forever? Have I met my quota of learning experiences of what true love is like?" The self-loathing. The broken self-esteem.

So this is what it feels like.

Wanted: enthusiasm from fellow choir members

Lately it's become rather disheartening and disappointing to stay on as a member of our church choir. The level of commitment and enthusiasm is a far cry from what I see in the Accenture Chorale...heck, even from just the Cybergate Choir. I daresay we don't even sound as good as we should be. To top it all off, we just essentially celebrated the departure of yet another member.

It's rare that I wax religious in my posts, or even my thoughts, but I will keep on singing as much as I can. It's a good way of serving the Lord. I'm afraid to say how long I will keep singing in my own church is still up in the air, however. Without opportunities to learn something new, or encouragement from other members, it has become truly tempting to ply my trade somewhere else.

Chalk up one more recent disappointment in a year that's been full of them, I reckon.

The hunger remains

Perhaps I'm not as evil or as undesirable as I thought. According to others, I'm actually better adjusted than I give myself credit for.

So why am I still the lone wolf?

It is supposedly because the little things matter so much to me. They do, because it's through the little things that I show my humanity.

Yet again I am a slave to the tightening garrote of expectations...I expect something in return for what I do, and I am disappointed when I don't get it. How expensive is it, in the grand scheme of things, to be recognized and appreciated?

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I am told that just doing the right thing should be the reward in itself.

Homogeneity is not the answer I was looking for. Homogeneity is not what belonging should be all about. I am not evil or twisted or sociopathic; I am just different; I am myself. I do not need to be invited by people and colleagues to parties and gimmicks just to validate that we're friends. All I have to do is be myself, as helpful as I've ever been.

Thanks, PJ.

Maybe that time will come. Maybe that person will come. Until then, all I can do is work behind the scenes like I've always done.

...I am still eternally hungry for appreciation.

Sigh.