Blowing it out of proportion

You are pathetic.

If you are not willing to forgive me you are simply being a big spoiled brat. My transgression isn't even that big. You shame a lot of guys by the size and fragility of your ego.

Grow up.

Envy? Jealousy? I wonder which one I've got

In today's First Friday Mass the priest had a very interesting homily. He brought up the seven capital sins, and of all of them, it was the lethal combination of pride and envy that drove the Pharisees to plot against Jesus Christ and kill him.

Pride we basically all know about, he mused, but there is some misunderstanding about what envy really is. Often we confuse it for jealousy, when in fact they are two very different things. "For all we know, jealousy can be a good thing," the priest said. "Jealousy can save marriages. If a man has a wife whom he sees meeting with other men, jealousy is the natural reaction. She should belong to him by virtue of their marriage, not to someone else."

The crucial difference between envy and jealousy is where it is directed. Jealousy is directed to the self, as in "what do they see in him/her that's not in me?" while envy is essentially a fancy way of saying "why is God unfair?"

In sum, the priest said, if pride's opposite is humility, envy's antithesis is contentment. If envy is wanting what you do not have, contentment is wanting what you already have.
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Why am I talking about some pastor's homily? It's because it hit pretty close to home today.

Despite my previous agreement to buy Gustav's TEIN coilovers, I got signals that perhaps they were not for me. Not right now, at least. Gustav himself sent me an SMS and said he found my post on HCP about softening the Jazz's ride a little. He said his coilovers might not be what I was looking for, as they get very stiff when lowered past two inches. Besides, blowing a significant chunk of my savings for what is essentially "a little better than stock" ride quality (according to Gustav) probably isn't the smartest thing to do. I have to say he was right; I have yet to try out my JACU friends' TEIN-equipped rides to see for myself how much better they ride.

The itch to dress up my little Honda hamster is still there, but I have to be realistic about my capabilities. I'll also have to bite the bullet and save half my monthly salary for a while if I want anything done to the car.
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It also hit home because after all these years I have to learn my lesson once and for all. My jealousy is unfounded because Denise does not belong to me, not in any capacity.

For a while now I've been mulling over the wisdom of dating her once a month. I fear if this keeps up, I will just end up wanting more than what she can give. Also I've gotten pretty sick of feeling jealous whenever I see her with some other guy. She's just that way, and I have to be willing to accept that.

She is my girl best friend, but perhaps it is about time I found someone else to take that mantle.

Enough is enough

I've just about had it with women. I'm sick of putting them on a pedestal, listening to them, trying to be extra nice to them...I want them to give me back the time and effort I wasted. If friendships and relationships are investments I'm damn sure I'm overdue on my return.

I'm sick of thinking about women.

Like my Tita Vik says, perhaps then they'd start coming...no pun intended.

Mwahahahaha!

If anyone of them wants me that fucking badly, I'll be working on my car.

2007: Maybe it hasn't been so bad...

Trying to tread the thin line between being appreciative and thinking about this thing too much isn't always easy, but I'm surprised how well I've been doing.

I guess I've gained some serenity over a 2007 filled with moments of disappointment, heartbreak, stupidity and living life dangerously. I've managed to stare my vices and evils in the face, indulge in them to see how far I can go, and come to some semblance of sanity and temperance.

Next year, perhaps, should be my full return to innocence. As much as I still seek the state of being "stupidly happy," I've come to the age where living stupidly with any other emotions attached cannot be tolerated.

I do not need to please everyone; I please enough of the people that matter. I do not need companionship as much as I thought; I have learned and have yet to learn to enjoy being lonely, being by myself.

This year has practically been put to bed, its heartbeat ebbing away in its death throes. From its dregs comes a new year, a chance to bet my life again.

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can, serenity to accept the things I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference."

Amen.

The victor's prayer

It's funny how the elation of winning sent me into a contemplative state I don't normally find myself in. While Paolo enjoyed himself by playing a casual game with his friend Lilac, I went to the bleachers...and prayed.



Let's start with the obvious: I thanked God for giving me my very first tournament victory.

I also sought forgiveness for indulging in things I shouldn't (I think I'm done with that), and for having been a moody, lost, lonely asshole for quite a while.

I prayed for my leads, Celine, Mervin and Gracey, and wished our project would just finish already.

I prayed that no matter how tough, I might finally let go of my bitter heartbreak---something I've never been good at. It's no longer healthy for me and everyone else involved. Besides, I should have better things to do.

I prayed for Gracey and Paolo, perhaps my best friends at work, and how I wish they'd never get sick of my eccentricities. I wished they'd keep me as their friend for as long as possible because they probably don't yet know how much I appreciate them.

After meeting a new friend in one of the most extravagant ways I know, I've realized I'm actually very lucky and blessed. I prayed I wouldn't take all of this for granted.



Funny, indeed, that I just had to find the time to pray for all this after winning.

"It's so damn hard to give you up"

This separation is killing me, you say
I should've thought that before I did what I have done
So easier to put the blame on you
I should've looked inside of me
But it's all in vain as I try to explain, she pulls away

We could've been more
Could we ever have these feelings again?
We should've been more
Maybe in time we'll realize that maybe
Fate reveals the remedies
Making it feel like it could be like the first time

Still the vision on my mind
'Cause now I realize it's so damn hard to give you up
No way out of this hole, can we ever have us back again?
Let's not start and put the blame part away
Can you honestly say that you can see me with another one?
Another one, another chance with you
I want more, I want more, I want more...

We could've been more
Could we ever have these feelings again?
We should've been more
Maybe in time we'll realize that maybe
Fate reveals the remedies
Making it feel like it will be like the first time

Regretting it now, can fate reveal to me?
The questions to why?
Reveal the remedy

Could've been more, should've been more
Maybe in time we'll realize that maybe
Fate reveals the remedies
Fate reveals the remedies
Fate reveals the remedies
Making it feel like it will be like the first time
Just like the first time
Just like the first time

- Urbandub, "Reveal the Remedy"

It just isn't going to happen between you and a girl when/if...

It just isn't going to happen between you and a girl when/if...

• You are constantly walking on eggshells trying to strike a conversation with her. "Oops, that might be too invasive...no, that might be the wrong kind of joke to crack." You know the deal.

• You run into problems so early on just trying to communicate, and when you do it feels so stiff and unnatural.

• You are so gosh darn scared of offending her and have no idea what exactly might do so.

• You have no idea how she thinks, even after months of hanging out together.
  

• You can't even manage to make her smile or laugh of your own accord.
  

• She finds it strange that you send her text messages or emails instead of talking to her directly. Look, it's still the same message, just different media---what does it fucking matter?

• The sincerity of effort you put into getting to know her isn't reciprocated.

• You develop a nasty case of cotton-candy syndrome. The whole thing looks delicious until you bite into it, at which point you realize you're just eating air.
  

• You have absolutely nothing in common.

• You begin to think that maybe you really are from Mars and she really is from Venus.

• She's your colleague.

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Ate Neysa was right. This is the last time I'm ever going to woo someone from work. What they say is true: familiarity breeds contempt.

I realize the workplace just isn't the best place to find love. Disastrous results guaranteed! Not even the foreknowledge of this fact mitigates the pain.

Yes, you were right, I made a big mistake with you. Then again, this is probably for the best. I gave it a shot and kept at it until it became clear that it was never going to work anyway. There was no shame in trying, no sense in continuing and no denying that the truth had to come out sometime.

Should I be sorry?