Anticipation vs. reality

Anticipation vs. reality

Last night I got into a late-night chat with Trish, one of my friends from the Zobel days. The topic inevitably turned towards love.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she told me she'd had a boyfriend in college, but I was still caught unprepared. More surprising than that fact, though, was that she could relate with my present situation.

She told me it was so hard to be with someone who communicates better via mediums than face-to-face. Very true, I nodded. And it's a sad fact that sometimes the thought of being with someone is more tantalizing than the reality.

On many a lonely night before drifting to sleep, I wondered about these things. I was slowly discovering how hard I actually had things going for me. The gift of good conversation is very, very important for me, because I know beauty will fade away. Yet here I am, trying to get close to someone whom I find truly attractive, whom I am intimidated with because of her unflinching silence, whom I have extreme difficulty just easing an honest laugh out of. Many times I feel like I fell into some very elaborate trap hook, line and sinker.

Disappointment persisted in my head, although I try my best not to succumb to it until I get to the point where I can actually test these statements. I wonder how long I can suspend it, though...or if it was worth suspending in the first place.

I am confused. I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go? I feel as empty as I was when I started. Something is different this time though. I've slowly begun the process of acceptance.

All I can do is keep trying.

Quote of the moment:

Dr. James Wilson: "You can't control your emotions."

Dr. Allison Cameron: "Only your actions."

- House, season 2 episode 6