Another year, another trackday

To kick off the year right, I signed up for the 2nd Pitworkz/Hongly Trackday, once again held at Subic International Raceway. I had Mav and her brother Paolo along once again for the ride.

Unlike the December 5 event where just 10 of us shared the track on an extended, timed practice session, this trackday was a sold-out blockbuster affair with well over 40 participants. The majority of the runners were EG, EK and ES Civics, but this time there were trios of Subaru Imprezas and BMWs in the fray too. Also notable is the participation of a lot of track virgins, such as my friend Clifford Ang and his GE8 Jazz 1.5.

Bracketing was also implemented in the style of run-what-you-brung (RWYB) competitions. Basically all the drivers and cars were given a chance to set two hot laps, and this determines in which one of four time brackets the drivers will participate in. I slotted into Bracket C, where I eventually would win second place with a new record time of 58.4 seconds.

I had broken my previous record, but somehow it wasn't as satisfying as the last trackday. Key to this was the lack of consistency. After I had set that 58.4-second "magic lap" where my line was virtually perfect and I had no mistakes from start to end, I started to over-analyze things and began to obsess about getting the Turn 3 entry/exit correctly. That led to understeering at Turns 1 and 2, scrubbing my front tires and worsening my subsequent lap times. I never again managed another lap faster than 59 seconds after lunch time.

Fastest time of the day went to Doc Luis Buencamino and his GDB Subaru Impreza STi, with monster StopTech brakes and festooned with three GoPro sport camcorders. The blue-and-black Scooby ripped through Subic at an astonishing pace, bagging a 47.67-second lap time in the early afternoon.

Mav finally got to ride shotgun with me in Aibo while the track was open to free practice in the morning, and she took it well. I was amazed at how calm she was in the co-pilot's seat and how well she took video of my practice lap with my Mavica while I was attacking the corners and trying to forge my way past the less-experienced drivers. Paolo also rode shotgun and took an eight-minute-long video clip with his cellphone.

After a green beginning that was less than pleasant, Cliff eventually found his groove and saw his time tumble to a personal best of 1:04. Mel meanwhile got to within a whisker of his aim of breaking the one-minute mark with a 1:00.08.

The Bracket C win gifted me with a trophy and a four-liter can of FK/Massimo Super SS-X mineral engine oil. Although the deal would have been sweeter had I won fully synthetic oil, I'm not complaining about a free oil change - all I have to pay for are a crush washer, oil filter and perhaps labor.

It looks like my goal of breaking the 57-second barrier with Aibo still in stock condition will have to wait.

Time to rebuild, perhaps

Things used to be a lot simpler back in the day. People met online in forum websites purely for discussions' sake. People logged in, made friends, networked, reached out to other friends.

Nowadays there just has to be the odd profiteering gesture thrown in. There just has to be the odd fragile ego that has to be crushed by nothing more than an honest remark. There just has to be the proverbial bad apple in the basket making life miserable for everybody else.

This is the year when I realized I've had my fill of that. Frankly I'm sick of it already. I'm not going to break away and make my own forum because let's face it, that's just going to lead to the very same thing I was complaining about.

Perhaps this is the long-overdue signal for me to get off my ass, stop it with the Internet and just look for a quiet hobby I can enjoy by myself without worrying about inflated egos and over-commercialization. It turns out I had one all along.

After a year of doing other things, I found myself going back to my work-in-progress, my MG Zeta Plus C1 model. I had planned on painting it with my own colors, but somehow I never got it done because I got discouraged by a few mistakes I had made with putty and painting. Funny enough it took a power outage for me to get back to doing it. I just ordered a new kit to replace my botched parts, while I continued putting Tamiya Fine Surface Primer L on the assembled parts.

So far here's what I have to show after 60% of the kit has had primer sprayed on.

Six years later

I'm tired of:
- Bruised egos.
- Posers.
- People who can't follow rules.
- People who post nonsense.
- Bullies.
- People who have no taste whatsoever.
- Moneyed folk with more purchasing power than ability.
- Having to apologize for doing the right thing.

The long and short of it is this: I'm tired of car clubs.

Signs

The week before last, I met Pao, a fellow poster from JACU and JDMUnderground Philippines. He happened to work at the same building as I did. When I asked what kind of work he did, he said he was from the Human Resources department of Summit Media, publishers of "Top Gear Philippines."

Last Thursday, on my way to the grocery I walked into Botchi Santos, one of Top Gear Philippines' more popular writers from his "Wrong Car Right Car" section where each month he helps someone pick out the vehicle they like, with pros and cons. No doubt Botchi had come from the studios of the radio station Jam 88.3, as he hosts an hour-long radio segment there about cars.

On the way back to work, after buying oatmeal, I happened to share the elevator with a guy holding a contract for Summit Media. Curious guy that I am, I looked over and saw the usual details: performance evaluation, regularization policy, etc.

These are probably signs that I should move on from my present post. I feel like I've lost my groove here. Sure I'm a certified software test engineer but that hasn't really spelled the difference for me. I haven't had a bigger paycheck; heck I didn't even get promoted, and those that did were disappointed with their raises. Ever since I left Barclays I haven't been enjoying work either.

My dad was always egging me on since my latter days in college that I should try to work as a writer in the automotive industry, since that's what I really like. Lately I've taken his words seriously. You never know, perhaps my professional bliss resides just four floors down from my present location.

I don't know where to start though. My portfolio as a writer is pretty much zero for now, if you don't count my blog, my mecha reviews at MAHQ and the thousands of posts I've made on car forum websites. Mav was kind enough to do a little research for me and said Summit Media didn't have any writer openings for Top Gear Philippines. Maybe I should just get out and do my own writing for now, just to build up my credibility, until that opening arrives.

Fingers crossed.

Diligence?

It's officially a holiday today but because my office is part of the BPO and Electronics segment, we're exempt from it. My lead was so diligent in letting me know over the weekend that yes there's work on Monday. So, scuppered long weekend plans and all, I did the morning bit, drove Aibo to work, and arrived at 7:45 am.

As of this writing I've been rotting in my seat for two and a half hours with nothing to do. Something's definitely wrong somewhere when your lead and all of your teammates are still not in when almost everybody else is, when there should be no traffic to worry about.

Hrmpf.

Take me back!

On my final month with my current client I am beginning to miss working for Barclays.

Work has been in shambles lately, with overzealous, arrogant developers biting off more than they can chew, a process that's frankly worthless, test data so fragile it breaks down with one ill-advised action, and test scripts that are too damn long for their own good.

I'm not saying Barclays was without problems, but we were vastly better equipped to handle and avoid the shenanigans we're experiencing now.

According to friends I know, there's a chance Barclays might take us in again. Personally I'd jump at the chance if it meant returning to Internet Channels.

So far July has been a month to forget.

Why do I have to fly

over every town up and down the line?

I'll die in the clouds above

and you that I defend, I do not love.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,

No one on my side,

I was fighting

But I just feel too tired

to be fighting,

guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Where will I meet my fate?

Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.

And when will I meet my end?

In a better time you could be my friend.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,

No one on my side,

I was fighting

But I just feel too tired

to be fighting,

guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Wouldn't mind it

if you were by my side

But you're long gone,

yeah you're long gone now.

Where do we go?

I don't even know,

My strange old face,

And I'm thinking about those days,

And I'm thinking about those days.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,

No one on my side,

I was fighting

But I just feel too tired

to be fighting,

guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Wouldn't mind it

if you were by my side

But you're long gone,

yeah you're long gone now...

- Keane, "A Bad Dream"

===

If only more of my numerous bad days ended this way.

White noise

As a writer, my one greatest weakness is that I suffer from the potential of giving people what Mao used to call "logorrhea." It's like loose bowel movement but with words instead of feces.

I am so jealous of people - songwriters, lyricists and poets, for instance - who can drive home their loaded point with the sparest of verses. Perhaps I'm more jealous of songwriters as I hardly read poetry anyway. It's amazing how the songs with the best and deepest emotional connections to our hearts are those that have the simplest lyrics paired with the most appropriate melody.

Other people have told me my talent is in explanation. Sometimes I get sick of it. As a speaker I am proud of it, but as a writer, there's no challenge in explaining things as best as I could in black and white. If I were a novel --- and I say this because there's no way I can be a song or poem ---I'd barely have turned any of my pages; if I were a magazine I'd barely have sold because I don't have a good angle.

Keane. Sugarfree. Vienna Teng. I envy them all, their profound lingual grasp of "less is more," their letting the music speak.

Arthur Golden. Bill Dare. Banana Yoshimoto. I envy them all, their grasp of "KISS" - keep it simple, stupid.

Maybe I have no mystique left to me because I'm all explained out. I'm all white noise, there but not there.

Waging war with the nouveau riche

For a few months now I've been frustrated with the way the PJACU forums have turned into.

The place has turned into some sort of ridiculous place of worship, where the main virtue is how quickly and how lavishly this husband-and-wife team can blow their money on their cars and their other toys. Every month they have either big-ticket mods or shiny new cameras - which is a little too frequent, to be honest - and with every new acquisition, they go on a massive show-and-tell rampage to wow everybody else. Just when I wondered where these people get their money to finance their various "hobbies," I was aghast at learning of their willingness to go into debt just so they could show off. They have a kid, for crying out loud! Even worse, every post they make just seems to allude to their next purchase.

Recently things came to a head when the husband bragged about his plans of getting a brand-new Nissan 370Z come June...some sort of birthday present. The same guy bragged about the cars he and his family members had owned over the hears.

I had had enough. I got flustered and frustrated about how things had gone so far away from the club that I originally joined. PJACU was about showing off the cars and their modifications, sure, but it's also about trying to help fellow Jazz and City owners with much more important things such as maintenance, repairs and do-it-yourself tips. Seeing PJACU turn into this brag-to-the-heavens pissing contest is a major disappointment and it frankly just put me off.

I tried contacting my friends and some of the moderators about it and while some of them were willing to hear me out, ultimately these efforts were as useful as busting a padlock with newspaper. While I remained active, I was no longer enjoying my time there.

Perhaps it's about time I moved on. As much as I want to chew these two idiots out for their deplorable habits with money, and consequently the stinking bad example they're setting for fellow PJACU members, how they spend their money and get themselves deeper into debt is admittedly none of my business.

My goodness, their loss of taste and sensibility is irritating though. Ugh. I vow never to turn into them.

Death of a dream?

People who've known me from my high school days know that I've had real experience doing the dirty work of writing, designing layout and preparing to print a magazine. Indeed, all this experience really influenced me in choosing my courses in college. I tried to continue my enthusiasm for the magazine into college, but got tripped up by my inability to follow beats in preparation for writing a decent news article.

College aside, my time with Counterpoint was definitely one of my most productive spells I've ever had in my lifetime. As layout editor, I was in love with the entire process of making a magazine from a bunch of articles and photos, trying to synthesize all of them into one cohesive, attractive-looking whole. Working with Adobe PageMaker and InDesign since the sixth grade taught me the importance of a proper "preflight" check of a project before sending it off to the print shop, and the creative power one can wield with only two inks -- usually black and PANTONE 121 CVU for me (a bright yellow to everyone else).

Fast forward to today, and I am saddened by the realization that the Internet has saturated our lives so much that entire magazines and newspapers such as the Seattle Post-Intelligencer and San Francisco Chronicle are closing up shop, opting to become entirely "Internet-only" publications.

I never really got the hang of HTML. Sure, I hard-coded an entire website once in the past with nothing but Notepad, but I found the whole process exceedingly clunky and nowhere near as intuitive as using PageMaker/InDesign. I am aware that the Internet opens so many other ways of turning a web page into eye candy, but most of the animated banners I see on websites do them no favors as coherent wholes. Novelty for the sake of novelty, I'd say. From a design standpoint, I've always believed in keeping things simple -- my tools involving nothing more than typefaces and drawn objects.

Back in high school I thought I could make a living as a layout editor for a magazine. That probably isn't the case in the US any longer, with magazines slowly slipping into obsolescence, taking one of my greatest ambitions along with them.

The perennially late reaction engine

No, that's not something from Macross. I'm talking about myself.

Lately I seem to have become a reactionary hair-trigger. It's not as if it's anything new. I guess I've struggled with this my whole life. This past week I've failed putting a throttle on my reactions, the end result being a huge mess that's gotten me in trouble with my leads.

They've expressed their disappointment with me. It's a shame I have such a tendency to snap at people because my skills are more than adequate, they told me. Why don't you realize your reactions have an effect on the people around you?

I can't go on like this. The world is becoming less and less forgiving of my actions. I feel like I'm always playing catch-up and learning the old lessons in a ball game everybody else has played and finished at least once. Not everyone understands that I'm basically a late bloomer. How long am I going to be a late bloomer? How long will I go through the motions of learning things I should have known years ago because everybody else does?

This just bums me out. The pathetic thing about this is I can't turn to anyone for help.

For whom am I going to cheer for now?

First, Honda made a shock announcement that it's withdrawing from Formula 1 next year.

Next, Suzuki and Subaru have effectively short-circuited their campaigns in the FIA World Rally Championship and quit, effective 2009.

What a shame. Just when things were beginning to come into fruition for these three beloved Japanese car companies with sport in their blood, the faltering economy and, in Subaru's case, harsh rule changes (which require it to manufacture a brand-new car in 2010 just to enter) made it so easy for their boards of directors to quickly slash the red ink across the motorsport campaigns that characterized them.

The most poignant of these three "victims" is Honda. They fought through Formula 1 in 2007 and 2008 with dogs for cars but threw development effort into their 2009 entry very early in the season. Now it's all going to waste when it finally seemed so promising.

What a crying shame.

How much is enough? part deux

The past couple of weeks have practically depleted the time I planned to spend on studying for the CSTE certification exam. Due to "magical events" out of my control (and I meant that very, very sarcastically), no matter how perfect my attendance record had been, I am forced to render overtime just to earn the right to take time off. Some anonymous, unknown idiot had mucked up the computation of that now-kingly figure, chargeability, that had left us all with a bitter taste in the mouth and an inability to take vacation leave.

Fast forward to today. I have now clocked 16 hours of overtime, and my body has started to complain by succumbing to colds. Add to that my inborn inability to sleep on time and I've found myself over-fatigued yet again, barely a month after I last succumbed to flu.

At least some help has come over to my side. I'd been given Tuesday off because I would be stuck at work with nothing to do---perfect timing for Wednesday's CSTE exam. Yesterday, Mav also volunteered to quiz me on my grasp of the CSTE Common Body of Knowledge, over cups of coffee and so many snot-riddled pieces of tissue from my overly sneezy, runny nose. (Thank you, beyb.)

The same title question I dedicate to my efforts to save money...and the expenditures that seem to grow along with them at a discouraging pace. As mentioned, the Jazz's 40,000-km tuneup, new tires and the A/C compressor are big woes, but now I've had the misfortune to discover my brand-new rear hatch has grown a thin rusty crust on its bottom edge, too. Any attempt to budget money for the modifications I want just gets put aside by the expense of basic maintenance. While I've managed to save up an impressive amount of money in just a few months, I get the feeling it's never going to be quite enough for the things I want to do.

So, how much is enough?

A lot of long faces this holiday season...

Things at work have left a bad taste in my mouth and everyone else's.

The vacation leave applications for November and December we filed in advance so many months ago have been summarily disapproved. Not everyone has been as vocal as PJ, but everyone is pissed off at this development. Upper management is blaming the global recession and chargeability for this disagreeable turn of events. They never even talked to us before they hacked away all those leaves. They're even asking us to make up the time we spent on taking certification exams!

We don't even understand why they're doing this when traditionally there's no work at all at the end of the year. Yet they seem hell-bent on keeping us shackled to the office like a child would stubbornly refuse to let go of a favorite toy. Or is that all that we are to them, toys?

My peers and I are disgruntled, but we don't have much of a choice. And frankly, it stinks.

Apparently I thought wrong

I thought all I promised you was a movie date over "Sex and the City."

I thought I had done enough to keep you company.

I thought the movie was great.

I thought I yakked about the movie long enough to entertain you.

I thought you enjoyed the afternoon as much as I did. I even thought everything was fine.

I thought I did a good job of doing my part.

Apparently, according to you, I was wrong. I actually bored you. I found this out as I was stuck in traffic, on my way home, two hours after we parted. And I felt insulted.

I was going over the whole afternoon on instant replay. I don't think I did anything bad or lacking, as far as I knew. Then later you said you were feeling all crappy because I didn't hug you.

Well all I have to say is: Ask, and you shall receive. Unfortunately for you, you never did. If you were expecting to date a mind reader then I'm so proud to have disappointed you full stop, because I'm disappointed you acted so prattishly.

This is your loss, not mine...and consider it a permanent one.

I, the jerk

Over the weekend I got sidetracked by a massive head cold and the kind of heavy headache that would normally point to me getting the flu. Fortunately I didn't get chills or fever, but I didn't want to take any chances either so I took today off.

I am disappointed with myself once again. It seems no matter how hard I try to make other people happy, I will just end up acting like an insensitive, manipulative jerk when all is said and done. Grace was looking for something I unfortunately could not give her, and in the end I became exactly the type of person she didn't want.

I begin to wonder when I can convince myself that I am truly ready for a relationship once again. It is funny how I've become the one actively resisting it, after falling over myself time and time again searching for it for the past God-knows-how-many years. Now that relationships aren't part of my itinerary, there the chances for it pop up. What kind of sick, cruel joke is this?

If Grace proved something, she proved I am not unlovable and I am grateful for that. But right now, I'm just not looking.

Of loneliness, insignificance and Macross

By all accounts, I should be sad. I just conceded whatever chance I had with Denise. I should be mourning.

But you know what? I'm not sad at all. Maybe I've grown a bit in all those years. I refuse to get bogged down by heartache and disappointment any longer. I can close this chapter of my life without regrets because I know I tried my best. Perhaps it took me too long to call it quits, but that's no longer important.

Next to what happened to PJ, my troubles are nothing.
===

I got a welcome surprise on YM the other day. My old friend Grace buzzed me...and after some distance between us over the past few months, I truly missed her.

We've had our misgivings and problems, but underneath it all I guess she and I are kindred spirits. We both know how demoralizing loneliness and sadness can be, how it can push us to do really stupid things in an effort to get it out of our system. Although we're doing better now, we still have bouts of that evil emotion from time to time.

Perhaps this time, we can be each other's crutches.
===

I want to watch Macross again.

I want to believe that a love so pure and untainted truly does exist, even if I already have too much knowledge to the contrary.

I want to meet my own Misa Hayase.

I want to believe that love can prevail even in the midst of sheer disappointment and after lots of effort, the same kind of effort Misa put in for her beloved Hikaru.

Macross is a boyhood dream, I guess. What's so wrong in believing in it once again?

Sacrifice this.

I'm sick of observing the usual Holy Week rituals.

I'm sick of singing for my parish choir.

I'm sick of seeing people I would rather not see.

I'm sick of performing a thankless job.

I'll leave you to whatever makes you happy. Me, I want no part of it any longer.

What on earth happened to Maroon5?!

I remember buying Maroon5's first album "Songs About Jane" when practically no one else knew who they were. Though I distinctly remember calling it a poignant breakup album with only a few truly happy numbers, I listened to the cassette tape in my car day in and day out. The band's very distinctive, smart-but-listenable vibe and profoundly written lyrics caught my ear hook, line and sinker.

Almost five years since I first heard of them on the radio, I was beginning to wonder just what happened to them and where they went. Just when the waiting got a little unbearable, they released their new album called "It Won't Be Soon Before Long."

When I heard the first three singles...I could not believe my ears.

What happened to Maroon5? Gone were their rich melodies and lovingly crafted lyrics, replaced with a vapid mess that's as good as elevator music compared to their first album. Their new "artistic direction" basically dumbed down their music to the point where it went into my ears, barely recognizable and almost incomprehensible in its pop-oriented dullness.

Sorry guys. You just lost a big fan of your music.

2007: Maybe it hasn't been so bad...

Trying to tread the thin line between being appreciative and thinking about this thing too much isn't always easy, but I'm surprised how well I've been doing.

I guess I've gained some serenity over a 2007 filled with moments of disappointment, heartbreak, stupidity and living life dangerously. I've managed to stare my vices and evils in the face, indulge in them to see how far I can go, and come to some semblance of sanity and temperance.

Next year, perhaps, should be my full return to innocence. As much as I still seek the state of being "stupidly happy," I've come to the age where living stupidly with any other emotions attached cannot be tolerated.

I do not need to please everyone; I please enough of the people that matter. I do not need companionship as much as I thought; I have learned and have yet to learn to enjoy being lonely, being by myself.

This year has practically been put to bed, its heartbeat ebbing away in its death throes. From its dregs comes a new year, a chance to bet my life again.

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can, serenity to accept the things I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference."

Amen.