Keeping a leash on my inner boyracer, part deux

Ever since the run-in with the tailgating XJJ 548, I've taken a little time to step back and think my driving style through.

I've been driving for eight years already and I've had my share of thrills and spills while at it. While I don't deny that I like driving fast, the undue attention that it attracts from idiotic boyracers on the road just isn't worth it.

When I posted my story on a few forum websites I frequent, I got a number of responses. Some applauded me for just moving out of the way; others smote the speeding ES and let karma work its magic on it and its driver; still others criticized me and my driving.

One of the best responses I saw read: "The other guy was wasting his gas and you'd be wasting yours if you went along with his game. Pride is cheaper than gasoline these days." How true, I thought. If I can't police or control the idiots that just so happen to share the road with me, I might as well just change what I can.

I've pulled the driver's seat on the Jazz a little farther away from the wheel than before, to help support my right thigh and knee on longer journeys (as the Jazz doesn't have lumbar support, nor an adjustable seat squab angle). I've forced myself to learn to be a more considerate driver and travel at lower speeds. Best of all, I've focused my attention more to the great music playing on my speakers than the idiots and their equally idiotic driving I see on the road.

My newfound "relaxed" driving mode still needs some work, but I feel the benefits already.

Envy? Jealousy? I wonder which one I've got

In today's First Friday Mass the priest had a very interesting homily. He brought up the seven capital sins, and of all of them, it was the lethal combination of pride and envy that drove the Pharisees to plot against Jesus Christ and kill him.

Pride we basically all know about, he mused, but there is some misunderstanding about what envy really is. Often we confuse it for jealousy, when in fact they are two very different things. "For all we know, jealousy can be a good thing," the priest said. "Jealousy can save marriages. If a man has a wife whom he sees meeting with other men, jealousy is the natural reaction. She should belong to him by virtue of their marriage, not to someone else."

The crucial difference between envy and jealousy is where it is directed. Jealousy is directed to the self, as in "what do they see in him/her that's not in me?" while envy is essentially a fancy way of saying "why is God unfair?"

In sum, the priest said, if pride's opposite is humility, envy's antithesis is contentment. If envy is wanting what you do not have, contentment is wanting what you already have.
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Why am I talking about some pastor's homily? It's because it hit pretty close to home today.

Despite my previous agreement to buy Gustav's TEIN coilovers, I got signals that perhaps they were not for me. Not right now, at least. Gustav himself sent me an SMS and said he found my post on HCP about softening the Jazz's ride a little. He said his coilovers might not be what I was looking for, as they get very stiff when lowered past two inches. Besides, blowing a significant chunk of my savings for what is essentially "a little better than stock" ride quality (according to Gustav) probably isn't the smartest thing to do. I have to say he was right; I have yet to try out my JACU friends' TEIN-equipped rides to see for myself how much better they ride.

The itch to dress up my little Honda hamster is still there, but I have to be realistic about my capabilities. I'll also have to bite the bullet and save half my monthly salary for a while if I want anything done to the car.
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It also hit home because after all these years I have to learn my lesson once and for all. My jealousy is unfounded because Denise does not belong to me, not in any capacity.

For a while now I've been mulling over the wisdom of dating her once a month. I fear if this keeps up, I will just end up wanting more than what she can give. Also I've gotten pretty sick of feeling jealous whenever I see her with some other guy. She's just that way, and I have to be willing to accept that.

She is my girl best friend, but perhaps it is about time I found someone else to take that mantle.

What I learned from badminton...

I am very, very tired. The thing is, it's nothing work-related.

I've made a habit of hitting the gym at lunch time on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to address my growing gut and my relative lack of fitness and verve around the Taraflex. Lately though, I've picked up one more opportunity to play badminton on Tuesday nights at Magallanes Village's Magdalena Park with Bong, an acquaintance from HCP and Jazz-City United.

The trouble with my first time playing there though was the lack of grip. Even my fresh gum-soled Mizuno Wave Smash RGs had trouble on the dusty wood parquet floor. That meant a lot of premature wear on the left foot's inner portion on what are essentially four-day-old shoes, as I tried lunging around on the slippery court. My soles and left ankle got so sore as a result.

That did not stop me from working on my leg power at the next day's gym session, though. And when the day was done, I played a lot of rounds on Sheridan Badminton Center's Taraflex courts, which my legs and feet missed very badly. Even after just two weeks at the gym, I could notice my old zest returning as I moved around better on court.

I learned a little life lesson while playing last Wednesday. I found I had success at net play, drop shots and pushes. This was different from my usual big-hitting "clearing, driving and smashing" play style. Perhaps we could apply this in real life.

"Ang badminton, parang buhay. Hindi lahat nadadaan sa gigil at pwersa."

The springtime of my contentment

For the first time in a while, I actually feel good about myself.

I am less encumbered by my numerous hang-ups, and it seems I've found my groove and niche. I have issues with a few of my coworkers whom I'd really rather not talk to, but for the most part I've learned to ignore them. I'm actually comfortable making jokes, and I've shunned my performance anxiety. I don't even have my self-pity or self-loathing any more. I'm just too happy to care.

My only quibble is all of this goodness and self-satisfaction came at a time when I gained a lot of weight. Grrrh. That's what a week full of celebrations gets you. I can't believe I've actually gotten sick of eating and feeling dumb and stupid and unbelievably lazy after overfilling my gut with chow one too many times.

Life, age and bittersweet chocolate

I thought about a few things and it seems the perfect analogy for 2007 and my life in general nowadays is dark chocolate.

I remember having Hershey's Assortment chocolates over the holiday when I was a kid, and I'd pick out my favorite Krackel rice-crisp-studded milk chocolate over anything else in the bag. The last I'd touch were the nuggets of Hershey's Special Dark---they tasted weird. Well technically, they were still preferable over anything with peanuts in it such as Mr. Goodbar.

Nowadays, though, I've acquired a taste for the dark stuff. In my teens I lost my desire for milk chocolate and didn't really miss it all that much. It was only in my last couple of years in college that I tasted dark chocolate again, and was smitten by the full, bittersweet flavor and the way it never let go of my tastebuds. It's a world away from the sweet, creamy milk chocolate I used to enjoy as a kid. Often I purposely look for dark chocolate when we get these boxes of assorted chocolates and chocolate-covered biscuits once in a while.

Imagine my surprise when that eternal favorite, Nestle Crunch, actually comes in a dark variety...and tastes pretty damn good! I'm still not the connoisseur type, though: I shirk from Meiji's 86% Cacao ultra-dark chocolate because it tastes very very bitter, with an earthy taste.

I've acquired a taste for dark chocolate, much the same way as I've become a little more serene and accepted the bitterness of living as a twentysomething. Perhaps my loss of appetite for all the sweet milk and extra-creamy chocolate I used to enjoy in my childhood was an indication of how well I had things going for me. My expectations kept getting fulfilled, I have to admit it spoiled me for a while. Enjoying the bittersweet things, I guess, points to making the best of what comes my way and trying to enjoy it as much as I can.

Perhaps I'm not quite there yet, but I can certainly say I'm along the way.

Momentum and my emotional wrecking ball

There are a million things I want to talk about my recent state of mind and emotions. Instead of talking in the second person like I am wont to do, I will let Vienna Teng do the talking for me...and I'll leave it up to you to figure me out. I've been an open book and giving away the answers for far too long.

Why am I walking barefoot
Upon this road with no one around
I close my eyes to this decision

The night's like coffee to my tongue
Like waking up without a sound
I map the words out, maybe you will say them

Would you help me rise up?
Touch my face and watch me try to breathe again
Would you let me do this?
Burn down the final wall

Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, yeah
All I'm asking is to be alive for once

Always I am mistaken
I look for love, I find a stone
Of all the seasons winter befriends me

I come to you in friendship
And hold my breath against the snow
What are you thinking as I gaze into you?

Forgive me the confusion
Forgive me as I realize my thoughts betrayed
You are the answer, cry and smile the same

Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, yeah
All I'm asking is to be
All I'm asking is to be alive...

- Vienna Teng, "Momentum"

So it's Christmas. What's next?

When the song of angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins

To find the lost, to heal the broken
To feed the hungry, feed the prisoners
To rebuild nations, bring peace among brothers
To make music in the heart...

When the song of angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins.

- Bukas Palad, "The Work of Christmas"

2007: Maybe it hasn't been so bad...

Trying to tread the thin line between being appreciative and thinking about this thing too much isn't always easy, but I'm surprised how well I've been doing.

I guess I've gained some serenity over a 2007 filled with moments of disappointment, heartbreak, stupidity and living life dangerously. I've managed to stare my vices and evils in the face, indulge in them to see how far I can go, and come to some semblance of sanity and temperance.

Next year, perhaps, should be my full return to innocence. As much as I still seek the state of being "stupidly happy," I've come to the age where living stupidly with any other emotions attached cannot be tolerated.

I do not need to please everyone; I please enough of the people that matter. I do not need companionship as much as I thought; I have learned and have yet to learn to enjoy being lonely, being by myself.

This year has practically been put to bed, its heartbeat ebbing away in its death throes. From its dregs comes a new year, a chance to bet my life again.

"Grant me the courage to change the things I can, serenity to accept the things I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference."

Amen.

Casualties of the battle of the sexes

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong, there is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb, there is a man who is burdened with the constant expectation of “knowing everything.”

For every woman who is tired of being called “an emotional female,” there is a man who is denied the right to weep and to be gentle.

For every woman who is called unfeminine when she competes, there is a man for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity.

For every woman who is tired of being a sex object, there is a man who must worry about his potency.

For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children, there is a man who is denied the full pleasures of shared parenthood.

For every woman who is denied meaningful employment or equal pay, there is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for another human being.

For every woman who was not taught the intricacies of an automobile, there is a man who was not taught the satisfactions of cooking.

For every woman who takes a step toward her own liberation, there is a man who finds the way to freedom has been made a little easier.

- Nancy R. Smith, "For Every Woman"
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I got the poem above from Dr. Joy Barredo, an acquaintance I met by her stumbling across my blog a few months ago. We've been exchanging emails since then, and had things turned out a little differently I might have met her as one of my literature professors in DLSU.

If all goes well, I'll be sipping coffee with her in Alabang by December. We'll see.

Ten guidelines from God

I got this email from my choir buddy Matthew. I thought I should share it with you guys because it's something I also need to look at from time to time.
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Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines.

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget... Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget...

Note: I received this from a friend and I have no idea who wrote it, but I was so touched by it, that I had to share it with you. I hope that you will be blessed by it and will share it with others.

Touch someone with your love. Rather than focus upon the thorns of life, smell the roses and count your blessings!

"I never said it would be easy. I said it would be worth it."

Dear Ira

You probably don't know me as anything other than the relatively new tenor at the choir. You don't even know my name. Conversely, I don't know you very well either as anything other than the niece of my choirmaster.

That said, I have a few words you might want to listen to. I bet you won't fully understand what I'm saying until at least five years from now, but I'll say it anyway.

If you knew anything at all about me, I generally dislike kids. I especially dislike your brothers and cousins because they're so boisterous and unruly, and I'm the strict disciplinarian type who won't shirk from whupping some butt in the name of setting kids straight.

I admire you because you're very well-adjusted, given your tender age of nine. You act like the stereotypical big sister: stern, responsible, well-meaning and perfectionist, if a little bitchy and catty for it. That's generally a good thing, a virtue. The way you volunteered to sing in place of our absentee members yesterday is very, very admirable.

But let me tell you this: you're too young for that.

You're way too young to become bitchy and catty. (Er, "bitch" is a bad word. I don't mean it in a bad way, but don't imitate me saying it...not just yet. ) You're still too young to be fretting over stuff, especially stuff that grown-ups like us should be concerned with. You're too young to cover for the idiotic foolishness of your brothers the way you do.

Most of all, you're too young to be wearing a razor-sharp frown the way I see you do.

You're a nine-year-old kid, a girl at that. Honestly, I think you should be enjoying it. Enjoy your ballet lessons, enjoy your classmates, enjoy the company of your friends and don't worry unnecessarily. Kids have the license to get away with stupid things the way most grown-ups just wish they could. Don't be in a hurry to grow up---I'm speaking from experience and it's not good.

Don't act like me because you'll end up like me. I don't want that kind of life for you. I want you to be happy in these halcyon days because they will pass by much, much faster than you think, and when they do, you can never have them back no matter how much you want them to. Enjoy what you can, while you can. Your mom and dad may put limits and dampers to your fun, but I know them and they mean you well.

I don't know how much more often I will be able to see you. I don't even know if we'll ever be properly introduced. Those are questions for the future, and you don't see me worrying about them, so you shouldn't too. All I want is to see you smiling more often, regardless of whether you know me or not.

Pardon me for being so long-winded...I know kids have short attention spans nowadays so I'll leave you to your business. Just stay happy.

Cheers,
JM

Sage advice for the lonely souls

We spend much of our lives alone. Some cope with it better than others. The ones who don’t are primed and ready for victimhood. You have to learn to be with yourself, because if you don’t, there’s a whole world of drugs, booze and rotten people who will be your friend until you’ve been sucked dry. Beware of what loneliness makes you do...

This quote is brought to you by the LA Weekly...and one of the creepier stories I've read.

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The hunger remains

Perhaps I'm not as evil or as undesirable as I thought. According to others, I'm actually better adjusted than I give myself credit for.

So why am I still the lone wolf?

It is supposedly because the little things matter so much to me. They do, because it's through the little things that I show my humanity.

Yet again I am a slave to the tightening garrote of expectations...I expect something in return for what I do, and I am disappointed when I don't get it. How expensive is it, in the grand scheme of things, to be recognized and appreciated?

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I am told that just doing the right thing should be the reward in itself.

Homogeneity is not the answer I was looking for. Homogeneity is not what belonging should be all about. I am not evil or twisted or sociopathic; I am just different; I am myself. I do not need to be invited by people and colleagues to parties and gimmicks just to validate that we're friends. All I have to do is be myself, as helpful as I've ever been.

Thanks, PJ.

Maybe that time will come. Maybe that person will come. Until then, all I can do is work behind the scenes like I've always done.

...I am still eternally hungry for appreciation.

Sigh.

No time like the present

I haven't had much to write about lately. A lot of things have happened, but I don't feel the urge to write about them.

The past couple of weeks have seen a few dear people leave my life. They've also seen a few not-so-dear people leave me for no intelligible reason other than their thinking they know me well.

I'm also learning that perhaps the heartbreak bitterness isn't gone yet, but I have to live through this because there's nothing else I can do.

Replacing some of those dear friends is a new "big sister" of sorts who's been patient with listening to me and my insecurities. Thanks. You know who you are.

The virtue that tickles my psyche the most nowadays is "serenity." According to a prayer on one of my mother's kitchen decorations, it's the acceptance of things I can't do anything about. Lavishing emotion and anger on stuff that's already happened is a tremendous waste of time. It's just a matter of ingraining this lesson into my stubborn mental fiber.

I am slowly realizing that there's no time like the present. For far too long, the fear of making mistakes and my insecurities have gotten in the way of what I wanted to do. It shouldn't matter if I want to ask someone out on a date or book a two-way flight to the province. If I can do it, I should chase my happiness. What else will stop me? What else should stop me?

I should keep trying now. I'm not getting any younger.

The consequences of "first-child syndrome" fuelled by rage

I'm stuck in the notion that I can actually change things by sheer force of will and a lot of vitriol.

Even though I know I can't, I still engage in this idiotic, idiosyncratic folly.

Go with the flow, people say.

I can't.

I'm the proverbial salmon, fighting the tide and going upstream with no rational explanation, except for thinking things should go exactly the way I envision them to be. I want people to follow the rules. I want people to be conscious of the rules even if they aren't being enforced properly.

I want them to think, dammit! I want them to reciprocate! I want them to feel guilty before they commit to something stupid!

Sigh.

What an enormous waste of energy and willpower attributable to what our priest calls "first-child syndrome."

GAH! I feel nauseous. I am a failed Dr. Gregory House clone. At least his browbeating and overbearing behavior actually gets results. In contrast people just look at me and silently scream "What the fuck's this guy's problem?"



I have to let go at some point. I hope I don't get to the point where all the coiled-up tension and animosity just snaps my springs.

Contradictory wisdom, part 1

Not everything can be explained by statistics. Intangibles are what will give you the edge over others.

So says my "big brother" at work, PJ. I suppose that's true.

Unfortunately not enough people pick up on those intangibles...which is why sometimes it really, really makes sense to follow Ayrton Senna's advice:

Nice guys don't win.

The illusion of forgiveness

We're taught to think that sins can be forgiven, bad habits can be abolished and a return to innocence is possible.

Is that really the case?

From personal experience I know my doubts aren't simply unfounded. Old habits are hard to get rid of, if at all possible. Sins can be forgiven perhaps, but it's impractical to totally forget what people have done to us due to their character flaws---and vice versa. It's just the natural thing to do to cover our asses.

A return to innocence? Let's just say we're all dirty washcloths. The water used to supposedly launder us of our adulterations unfortunately can't be drained and changed.

Celluloid wisdom

Over lunch, we got to watch "The Pursuit of Happyness." Say what you will about Will Smith, but apart from a few errors in continuity and history this movie is just about perfect...and Smith does put in a very very good performance.

At its core it's a heartwarming true story about a father in San Francisco who is determined to make ends meet and become successful in the worst possible circumstances. He has a five-year-old son, his wife leaves him for work in New York, he sells portable bone-density scanners no one wants and soon enough he's homeless. And while without a salary, he's trying for an internship only one person out of a batch of would-be stockbrokers will get.

What's admirable about Chris Gardner is how he took it all on the chin. In the face of adversity, he left the bare minimum of time to mope, if he did at all. Then he moved on to what he thought was the next best course of action.

And he did all this without leaving his son's side. His son knew first-hand what kind of a man his old man was.

One of the film's initial scenes is a downcast Chris watching a horde of happy stockbrokers. "What makes them so damn happy?" he muses. At the very end, we see him raising his hands, crying in joy, merging with the same crowd after all the hardship he had gone through.
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Quotes of the moment:

"Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something, not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. You want something, you go get it. Period."
- Chris Gardner to his son, "The Pursuit of Happyness"

"You know what the problem with you is? You don't know when you've won."
- Jacob Fuller to Seth Gecko, "From Dusk Till Dawn"

The grass wasn't greener on the other side after all

I remember as a kid how I wanted to be all grown up. Being an adult seemed so exciting and unrestricted. You could do so many things that you were barred to do as a kid.

Well now that I'm an adult I'm struggling to see what all the excitement and fuss was about. The tantalizing things reserved for grown-ups have proved themselves disappointing. C'mon, let's face it, drinking is the vice of choice for millions of people. However, beer tastes like stale saliva and most hard liquor tastes like shit. Smoking looks cool and rebellious, but doing it is akin to sucking on burning rope. Finally, sex with strangers seems so wild and wanton, but it's not as glamorous or as enjoyable as the media portrays it.

I was trying to get past my childhood and adolescence too quickly in the hopes of having it better as an adult. Heh. Boy, was I wrong or what?

Break out

I am finally free.

Free from the imprisonment of watching countless reruns of the what-could-have-beens of my life. Free from the compulsion to look at your face every now and then. Free from drowning in the quicksand pit of self-pity, regret and self-loathing I found myself in for months.

It was like waking up from a dream that had gone on for so long it began to turn sour on its own, as rancid as fermenting milk. I kept drinking gulp after gulp of the stuff without knowing any better, without realizing there was only so much I could take before I got so toxic.

The things I did to save me from torturing my own heart are regrettable, but perhaps I had to do them.

My eyes turn to the days ahead, no longer bloodshot with agony...at least until love fails me again. But that will perhaps be a long time coming.



I should get a haircut and a facial. I look like an inmate.