An idiot of sadness no more.

My love and I, we work well together
But often we're apart
Absence makes the heart lose weight, yeah
Till love breaks down, love breaks down

Ooh my oh my, have you seen the weather?
The sweet September rain
Rain on me, like no other
Until I drown, until I drown

When love breaks down, the things you do
To stop the truth from hurting you
When love breaks down, the lies we tell
They only serve to fool ourselves
When love breaks down, when love breaks down

My love and I, we are boxing clever
He'll never crowd me out
Both be free as old confetti
And paint the town, paint the town

When love breaks down, the things you do
To stop the truth from hurting you
When love breaks down, the lies we tell
They only serve to fool ourselves
When love breaks down, we join the wrecks
Who leave their hearts for easy sex
When love breaks down, when love breaks down

My love and I, we were high and climbing
Into the sky of blue
Loud with colors, of a rainbow
A changing view, a changing view

When love breaks down, the things you do
To stop the truth from hurting you
When love breaks down, the lies we tell
They only serve to fool ourselves
When love breaks down, we join the wrecks
Who leave their hearts for easy sex
When love breaks down, when love breaks down

- Lisa Stansfield, "When Love Breaks Down"
===

Not too long ago, I did some pretty stupid things because I couldn't accept failing with you despite all the effort.

I am not walking down that road again. I am at least a little wiser now. More importantly, my heart now has what I need to see me through this.

All I have to do is toughen my mind.

Stupidly happy...at last.

In the end, I had to give in to what my heart was telling me all along. The white elephant in the room had made its presence known all too frequently and denying it was futile.

Initially I tried to fight it, denying that which stood right in front of my eyes. I was just too afraid of my past mistakes, of screwing up again, of victimizing yet another with the vengeful misogyny I realized I was capable of inflicting. I had been alone for far too long and, not knowing any better, I actually thought I would miss it when it left, as if it were a good friend when it actually didn't do me any good.

But she kept her hope and never, ever gave up on me, even if I violently pushed her away. When we reconnected and relaxed our bounds, and the dust settled, I realized I simply wanted to spend my time with her. With her, I do not have to keep thinking about what to talk about or how to act, afraid of stumbling or falling silent. As my friend Dynee said, being with her is not a matter of "walking on eggshells." She is not perfect, but our souls find mutual comfort in each other's company just the way we are---and that is simply all that matters.

I have grown tired of cheap, sordid affairs. I have grown weary of chasing kites that have flown away. I do not want to think of one more what-might-have-been. My heart was right. After so many years, I deserved to be happy again---and I could think of no better person to be stupidly happy with.

I want nothing more than to melt in your arms and breathe into your lips. Sure, it took too damn long. But it feels like I've come home.

I love you, Mav.

Of loneliness, insignificance and Macross

By all accounts, I should be sad. I just conceded whatever chance I had with Denise. I should be mourning.

But you know what? I'm not sad at all. Maybe I've grown a bit in all those years. I refuse to get bogged down by heartache and disappointment any longer. I can close this chapter of my life without regrets because I know I tried my best. Perhaps it took me too long to call it quits, but that's no longer important.

Next to what happened to PJ, my troubles are nothing.
===

I got a welcome surprise on YM the other day. My old friend Grace buzzed me...and after some distance between us over the past few months, I truly missed her.

We've had our misgivings and problems, but underneath it all I guess she and I are kindred spirits. We both know how demoralizing loneliness and sadness can be, how it can push us to do really stupid things in an effort to get it out of our system. Although we're doing better now, we still have bouts of that evil emotion from time to time.

Perhaps this time, we can be each other's crutches.
===

I want to watch Macross again.

I want to believe that a love so pure and untainted truly does exist, even if I already have too much knowledge to the contrary.

I want to meet my own Misa Hayase.

I want to believe that love can prevail even in the midst of sheer disappointment and after lots of effort, the same kind of effort Misa put in for her beloved Hikaru.

Macross is a boyhood dream, I guess. What's so wrong in believing in it once again?

The springtime of my contentment

For the first time in a while, I actually feel good about myself.

I am less encumbered by my numerous hang-ups, and it seems I've found my groove and niche. I have issues with a few of my coworkers whom I'd really rather not talk to, but for the most part I've learned to ignore them. I'm actually comfortable making jokes, and I've shunned my performance anxiety. I don't even have my self-pity or self-loathing any more. I'm just too happy to care.

My only quibble is all of this goodness and self-satisfaction came at a time when I gained a lot of weight. Grrrh. That's what a week full of celebrations gets you. I can't believe I've actually gotten sick of eating and feeling dumb and stupid and unbelievably lazy after overfilling my gut with chow one too many times.

Liham para kay Cher

Hi. Salamat at nagawa mong sabihin sa akin ang saloobin mo.

Hindi ako magkukunwaring hindi ako nagalit sa iyo. Pero tandang-tanda ko ang una kong naramdaman nung nag-text ka sa akin nung ika-4 ng Enero ang matinding pagkalungkot. Ang dating sa akin ng ginawa mo, parang tinulak mo lang ako palayo kung kailan ginawa ko na ang lahat para lang puntahan ka sa iyong kaarawan. Kaya ako unti-unting nagalit. Masakit ang ginawa mo kasi kaibigan kita, matagal na. Naisip ko natural lang na magkita na rin tayo. Sana man lang sinabi mo nang maaga na hwag na lang ako tumuloy.

Sinabi mo na, tao lamang ako, nagkakamali rin, pikunin at nadadala ng emosyon. Di ako santo o mabuting tao, alam mo na iyon. Madalas akong mabulol kahit sa pag-Inggles. Kaya walang dahilan para ilagay mo ako sa pedestal. Ewan ko kung pwede mo pang bawiin ang ginawa mong pag-angat sa akin sa pedestal, nasa iyo na iyon.

Ikaw lang naman ang pupuntahan ko eh. Eh ano ngayon kung mabagot ako sa Isabel tulad ng sinasabi mo? Problema ko na iyon. Ang mahalaga lang sa akin, magkita tayo at magkasamang magdiwang ng iyong kaarawan. Wala na akong iba pang hangarin.

Kaya inis na inis ako nung sinabi mong pupunta kang Cebu. Di na ako tumuloy sa Isabel kasi wala na akong pupuntahan doon kung wala ka, at mas lalo akong walang alam tungkol sa Cebu kundi ang opisina namin doon. Sa Isabel kahit papaano may address na akong pupuntahan.

Alam mo...hindi ka bobo, hindi ka tanga, hindi ka kahiya-hiya kung ihahambing ka sa akin. Sana ipasok mo na sa kukorte mo iyan. May mga magagawa ka na hanggang sa panaginip ko lang magagaya. Eh ano ngayon kung hindi ka umabot sa inaasahan ng ibang tao sa iyo? Tao ka lang, hindi diyosa. Kung ginawa mo ang lahat para mapasaya ang ibang tao, mamamatay ka nang maaga at nang malungkot. Ang nag-iisang taong kailangan mong pasayahin ay ang iyong sarili. Alam ko iyan kasi naranasan ko na rin iyan at araw-araw kong kalaban ang dwende sa utak kong nagsasabing palagi akong sawi at talunan.

Wala akong inasahan sa iyo. Ang ginusto ko lang makilala ka bilang ikaw. Sana ganoon din ang naging tingin mo sa akin---paano na lang kaya kung hindi ako yung taong naisip mong sobrang galing at kahanga-hanga?

Alam mo pareho tayo ng problema. Masyado tayong nag-iisip, kaya bago pa natin gawin ang gusto nating gawin, natalo na tayo. Masyadong maikli ang buhay para umiral ang takot at hiya. Kaya mo naman iyang itabi eh. Hindi ka natakot nung nag-iwan ka ng comment sa blog ko apat na taon na ang nakalilipas di ba? Walang pinagkaiba ito sa pakikipag-chat natin o sa binalak kong pagkikita natin sa Leyte.

Aaminin ko, habang sinusulat ko ang email na ito nawawala na ang galit ko sa iyo. Hihintayin na lang kitang gumawa ng unang hakbang para mawala ang takot mo sa akin. Ito na siguro ang hinihintay mong "pag-iintindi" na gusto mo mula sa akin. Makikita mo rin balang araw na kailangan mong kalasin ang pedestal na ginawa mo para sa akin. At makikita mo rin, sana, balang araw, na magagawa mo ang lahat ng kaya mong gawin...basta naisip mong kaya mo.

Mag-iingat ka.

JM, isang hamak na tao.





PS. Buksan mo na ang regalo. Sige na. Kung hindi mo yan bubuksan, eh di sino pa? Di mo rin pwede ibigay iyan sa iba dahil may nakasulat na sa loob na para sa iyo lamang.