Dear Jona

When you sent me that email the other night, it was a mild surprise. I will not deny that I felt good after reading it.

Yet I still stand with my reply. I have long since accepted that you and I just do not click. Our personalities are too different, our interests too divergent, that I doubt we will ever meet halfway. Having said that, I am still open to us being friends. Like I said, we've wasted too much time acting awkwardly toward each other when we could have done much more productive things in ten months.

Yes, you already know everything I just wrote because it was in my reply. However, I would like to issue a challenge to you.

Simply saying that you would still like us to be friends, by itself, is an empty promise. It will remain empty until you do what I did and what you thanked me for. It will remain empty until you make the decision to come out of your comfortable shell---keeping your distance from me, acting all cool and civil---and take the initiative to get to know me better. Friendship is a two-way thing; it's time for some reciprocation don't you think?

Do not let our differences discourage you. What matters is you tried. I don't think you have anything to lose.

I hope that in the coming year you will take up this challenge; not just with me, but with other people you may have distanced yourself from.

Merry Christmas to you.

Acceptance: a lesson I learned today

Acceptance: a lesson I learned today

You're probably right, I made a mistake with you. I made the mistake of expecting more from you than what you could give me.

I tried avoiding you. I'll be honest; I was feeling a dizzying cocktail of emotions and not all of them were pleasant. I thought you felt the same way. But as the days wore on, I realized I missed talking with you, no matter how much we don't click at all. I realized the events of the past two months have made us friends, if nothing else, and that you've already shared with me what you will of yourself.

This morning we sat down and talked. I told you about my confused emotional state and how I no longer wanted to be upset. You told me you were upset with me and how my words had shattered you, but now it was gone. We shook hands and made up. We even chatted for a while afterwards. But now I know these chats won't last as long or be as involving as I wanted them to be.

Still, I am glad you're in my life. In your own way, you kept me honest.

Thank you, Jona.

Stepping off into thin air

Stepping off into thin air

So now all the preparation and the secrecy come to a halt, and now I take a big step into the unknown once again. I guess my friend Jajah was correct in saying that there’s no template we can follow when it comes to relationships. Every time is the first time.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

By now you should have already seen the roses and read the letter that came with them. I hope they tell you that there’s someone who wants to get to know you better, and he’s not so far away.

I’m trying to be as prudent as I can with you, trying not to rush things and become impatient. Even if we don’t end up as a couple, you can rest assured you have me as someone you can be yourself with. Well, that’s what I want to happen, anyway.

The ball’s now in your court. I admit I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of things, but it’s now up to you. If nothing comes of this stunt I’m pulling, I hope I at least gave you a reason to break into that lovely smile of yours.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Jona.

Birthday wish

Birthday wish

A lot of new things have popped up in my life recently as a result of my 24th birthday, the most conspicuous of which is the not-quite-new Honda Jazz hatchback in our driveway. The little surprise that my team prepared last Friday caught me totally off-guard, too.

As nice as they are, however, they weren't really what I wished for.

What I really wanted for my birthday was you becoming a bigger part of my life, and me in yours. I would so love to spend more time with you talking about everything under the sun other than work.

Whether or not I get this wish, I'll find out in three days, I suppose. By then I'll probably reveal who you are in this blog, because there will no longer be any need for hiding.

Until then, take care my dear...and stay happy.

Quote for the moment:

"Now that we've found love, what are we gonna do with it?"

- ending song to the movie Hitch

Undue pressure

Undue pressure

In the end, I got tired of being jittery and nervous for two whole weeks over my Valentine's Day plans. All along, I was thinking too far ahead, worrying too much about outcomes that aren't even at hand yet without acting on what I had now.

Tita Vik was correct. All these things I'm planning basically amount to an elaborate way of telling you that I admire and appreciate you, and given the chance I'd love to get to know you better. Of course it would be great if you took me up on my offer of a date, but if not, I doubt you're the kind of "unappreciative psychotic bitch" Tita Vik told me about. This sickening feeling of dread is all just part of the ride.

Nothing ventured nothing gained...and I haven't done any venturing for far too long. Good luck to me.

Quote for the moment:

"It's harder for a girl to live happily than to win a war."

- Ennil El, After War Gundam X

Shards of glass

Shards of glass

All this time I've been buoyed by a ridiculous optimism. I'm sure many people have noticed. However I am also very afraid that that same optimism, the same thing that recently made me a much better person to hang around with, might just as easily come crashing down like a house of cards.

Yes, I am afraid, I am afraid of that happening. I finally feel so good about myself, flying like the Zeta Plus aircraft model I perch on the display stand at my cubicle, but I know that I could just as easily get knocked down by a wayward limb.

The key to all this is you.

I am so afraid of pushing headlong into these hopes I built up for myself. I may hardly be able to take the frustration when it doesn't pay off, and after everything that's said and done I may just still be left by the same wayside I found myself in when you first entered my life. The whole point of this was to get inside your head and see you for who you are, and I am afraid I might never get to do that.

What do I know? You might even be a better writer than I am. You might be hiding behind that very nice smile of yours you wear everyday, but deep down, how will I know that you're not actually secretly laughing at how stupid I can be?

I still wonder how I should live my life. I can be too much like a pane of glass: too transparent, too easy to read and/or predict, yet so inflexible and very easily shattered into jagged shards that do nothing but hurt everyone.

Still, I figure it should be done. Whatever dread, embarrassment and melancholia I experience now shouldn't stand in the way of my living my life with as few regrets as possible. One day soon I will let you know that it was you on my mind all the time and that I desire to know you more.

Who knows, there's the off chance I might be the one you were looking for, too. Not that I'd ever know from looking at your smile...

Impulses

Impulses

After a while of mulling it over I think I won’t proceed with buying that Nokia 5300. Cellphones just don’t hold much currency with me. Most likely I’ll just spring for the DVD player and a set of really nice speakers for my computer as my birthday indulgence; at least it’ll cost me half as much.

I still want a personal music player though. And no, no Ipods please.

===

Oddly enough, despite my decision to give up mecha models, there’s one new kit that’s getting my attention—the 1/144 HGUC Gaplant TR-5 ‘Hrairoo’ from the Gundam side-story “Advance of Zeta.” Yes, I know ‘Hrairoo’ is a dodgy kind of name, but the black-and-white kit itself is a very nice improvement over the original green HGUC Gaplant. And it's easily the best MS to come out of the mechanical weirdness that is "AoZ."

The only catch is it’s rather pricey for its size and scale: the Gaplant retails for PhP1600 in malls, and the ‘Hrairoo’ is reportedly JPY200 dearer. If I wanted it that bad, there are other channels, I guess.

===

Lately I’ve been learning that I haven’t exactly lived up to the promises I set for myself. I fancied thinking of myself as friendly and approachable; in reality people are scared of my cranky disposition and probably think I’m lousy company.

What got me wondering was the revelation that at least people think I’ve changed somewhat. Gracey told me when the new year had arrived they wondered why I wasn’t as confrontational as before, why I was participating in lunch more often, why I was generally mellower and nicer all of a sudden. To be honest I don’t think it was as sudden as they claim.

The same thing’s happened with my driving. There is an increasing number of nights when I couldn’t care less about delinquent drivers looking for early deaths…just as long as I’m not involved as I’m going my merry way along C5. On the times that I stretch my engine’s legs, I tend to leave more clean air between me and others than before.

So what are the factors that supposedly “changed” me? Maybe I just got tired of making things go my way all the time. I can’t call it a simple waste of effort, as effort should have a direct effect. No, perhaps all of this “my way or the highway” stuff is a waste of giving a damn, of uselessly harping about things I should have ignored in the first place. Perhaps the fact that two of my friends died in 2006 contributed something to the “change,” too.

It’s strange. I don’t feel very different, but people insist something good happened. From past experience I know I would never have had this feedback if I consciously tried.

===

At least now I can say I know a little more about you.

You say you’re afraid of me becoming cranky and having the brunt of it directed your way. You probably don’t know that the same is true of me. I am afraid of the power you now have over me.

With you I am faced with a difficult choice, like hanging off a slope while driving a car with a manual gearbox. (Of course I just had to use a car metaphor.) Times like these, it’s the clutch that does the driving. Too much clutch and I will slip backwards; too little clutch and I might smash into whatever is in front of me; and all the while I know I can’t keep hanging off the clutch forever because soon it’ll burn and leave a noxious stink. Either that or I run out of gas.

I am patently scared of falling in love, because I want to avoid making more of the mistakes I made in the past—ones that haunt me to this day. You are, as I said, the antithesis of what I find attractive in most of the women I’ve met: you’re just too quiet. I believe looks will go away, so I put great faith in good conversation.

But I don’t want to leave any regrets either. I want to let you know that yes I do like you very much and I want to learn what I can about you. I want to know why you keep playing the part of the soft-spoken smiling girl all the time when you’re obviously articulate and smart. Is it because you’re afraid I might reject you when you do speak your mind? (Let me assure you that you have yet to disappoint us, let alone me.) Is it because you’re afraid your interests might be too left-field for, ahem, “general consumption?” (I already play the role of resident weirdo, so no problem there.) Let’s just find out along the way shall we?

Do you know what I really want to do?

I want to set aside some time for me to stop being so outspoken and stop laughing like a loon the way I do day in and day out. My monologue can only run for so long before even its sole performer gets sick of the role. Instead, I’d like you to come to the stage and own it. Be yourself. Indoctrinate your audience with what you are and let them acclimatize themselves to your quirks. Make them love you.

I assure you, I will listen, even as an audience of one.

At wit's end...

At wit's end...

You just don't realize the power you have over me.

You do your quiet routine day in and day out, and you're very attractive as you are, but it's that crinkly smile of yours that captivates me and sends paroxysms of joy down my spine. Sigh. The things I'd do to have more of those directed my way.

Unfortunately I don't even have the foggiest idea of what to do to even get your attention. You're as impassive as the porcelain doll you are. I'd love to pick your brains and see what makes you smile or laugh but you're not exactly giving anything away for me to start with.

It takes more than looks to win my heart. But crikey, how easy it would be for you to make me think otherwise.

If only you bared your soul more...