Stupidly happy...at last.

In the end, I had to give in to what my heart was telling me all along. The white elephant in the room had made its presence known all too frequently and denying it was futile.

Initially I tried to fight it, denying that which stood right in front of my eyes. I was just too afraid of my past mistakes, of screwing up again, of victimizing yet another with the vengeful misogyny I realized I was capable of inflicting. I had been alone for far too long and, not knowing any better, I actually thought I would miss it when it left, as if it were a good friend when it actually didn't do me any good.

But she kept her hope and never, ever gave up on me, even if I violently pushed her away. When we reconnected and relaxed our bounds, and the dust settled, I realized I simply wanted to spend my time with her. With her, I do not have to keep thinking about what to talk about or how to act, afraid of stumbling or falling silent. As my friend Dynee said, being with her is not a matter of "walking on eggshells." She is not perfect, but our souls find mutual comfort in each other's company just the way we are---and that is simply all that matters.

I have grown tired of cheap, sordid affairs. I have grown weary of chasing kites that have flown away. I do not want to think of one more what-might-have-been. My heart was right. After so many years, I deserved to be happy again---and I could think of no better person to be stupidly happy with.

I want nothing more than to melt in your arms and breathe into your lips. Sure, it took too damn long. But it feels like I've come home.

I love you, Mav.

Wrapping up May

Since I recovered from my brush with prolonged vertigo and a massive head cold, I've been staying away from the home PC for fear of getting an undesirable relapse. With the overtime wick turned up at work, I strain my eyes and brain enough already.

For the longest time, using a computer was the one thing I could not do without bad consequences. It's funny how I could vegetate in bed watching TV and reading magazines without incident, or even drive around for two hours, but a week ago I could barely stand two hours of using an LCD-monitor-equipped PC.

Grace and I have patched things up. In the end, despite everything that's happened between us emotionally, I guess we're just really good friends after all. She was concerned about me when I was still struggling through my first couple of days back at work. She's asked me to watch "Sex and the City" along with her...perhaps one of these weekends.

My friend Mav was a big help too. All the while she was keeping me company over SMS, and I appreciated her company despite our differences.

Fuel prices have gotten fairly ridiculous in how quickly they've risen over the past year. I remember this time last year it was PhP38 per liter...now it's PhP52 and rising per week. I was lucky to have avoided a week at the pump, but ultimately my Honda has to fill up and I have to pay up to do so. I wonder when all the price increases will end?

At least tomorrow is another Friday though. A payday Friday. One I'm actually looking forward to, because I'm getting my just-desserts.

I, the jerk

Over the weekend I got sidetracked by a massive head cold and the kind of heavy headache that would normally point to me getting the flu. Fortunately I didn't get chills or fever, but I didn't want to take any chances either so I took today off.

I am disappointed with myself once again. It seems no matter how hard I try to make other people happy, I will just end up acting like an insensitive, manipulative jerk when all is said and done. Grace was looking for something I unfortunately could not give her, and in the end I became exactly the type of person she didn't want.

I begin to wonder when I can convince myself that I am truly ready for a relationship once again. It is funny how I've become the one actively resisting it, after falling over myself time and time again searching for it for the past God-knows-how-many years. Now that relationships aren't part of my itinerary, there the chances for it pop up. What kind of sick, cruel joke is this?

If Grace proved something, she proved I am not unlovable and I am grateful for that. But right now, I'm just not looking.

Ending a cycle of heartbreak and disappointment

Where you are seems to be
As far as an eternity
Outstretched arms, open hearts
But if it never ends then where do we start?

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you'll understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back,
I have something to say

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could know
So I can show you how I...

Dream away, everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain it drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you'll understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever, ever, ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back
Bring me closer to heart attack
Say goodbye and just fly away
When you come back,
I have something to say

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone
When you get home?
There must be someplace here that only you and I could know
So I can show you how I feel...

- Maroon 5, "The Sweetest Goodbye"

Glam rock and blues on the road

For this quarter's teambuilding event, my colleagues decided to try something new. Instead of going out to a restaurant to yet again eat our guts out, we tried going out of town to Tagaytay on a Saturday.

We went to hilly Picnic Grove to trek, Leslie's for lunch, Mushroomburger and Sonya's Kitchen to pick up snacks, and then headed to Caleruega's Veritas Hall for our activities. All the while, I had Beng, Paolo C. and Albert to keep me company while Queen, The Darkness and the Pinoy blues bands of "Blueskrieg" rocked out inside my car.

The changing-lanes-and-pop-up-barriers chaos of the SLEX didn't do me any favors, nor did the Sta. Rosa and Carmona traffic, nor the hideously huge rut that caught my poor Jazz out on the Sta. Rosa SLEX entry on the way back home. (Luckily, the damage was mostly cosmetic and concerned nothing vital.)

In the inclement conditions, however, the four of us had a grand time discussing the greatness of Queen, the merits of blues music, and Beng's advice for courting women. None of us fell asleep on the entire trip, even though we made it back 30 minutes after everyone else did.

Many thanks guys. If you decide to tag along on our summer outing I'd be honored to have all of you as my passengers once again.

Envy? Jealousy? I wonder which one I've got

In today's First Friday Mass the priest had a very interesting homily. He brought up the seven capital sins, and of all of them, it was the lethal combination of pride and envy that drove the Pharisees to plot against Jesus Christ and kill him.

Pride we basically all know about, he mused, but there is some misunderstanding about what envy really is. Often we confuse it for jealousy, when in fact they are two very different things. "For all we know, jealousy can be a good thing," the priest said. "Jealousy can save marriages. If a man has a wife whom he sees meeting with other men, jealousy is the natural reaction. She should belong to him by virtue of their marriage, not to someone else."

The crucial difference between envy and jealousy is where it is directed. Jealousy is directed to the self, as in "what do they see in him/her that's not in me?" while envy is essentially a fancy way of saying "why is God unfair?"

In sum, the priest said, if pride's opposite is humility, envy's antithesis is contentment. If envy is wanting what you do not have, contentment is wanting what you already have.
===

Why am I talking about some pastor's homily? It's because it hit pretty close to home today.

Despite my previous agreement to buy Gustav's TEIN coilovers, I got signals that perhaps they were not for me. Not right now, at least. Gustav himself sent me an SMS and said he found my post on HCP about softening the Jazz's ride a little. He said his coilovers might not be what I was looking for, as they get very stiff when lowered past two inches. Besides, blowing a significant chunk of my savings for what is essentially "a little better than stock" ride quality (according to Gustav) probably isn't the smartest thing to do. I have to say he was right; I have yet to try out my JACU friends' TEIN-equipped rides to see for myself how much better they ride.

The itch to dress up my little Honda hamster is still there, but I have to be realistic about my capabilities. I'll also have to bite the bullet and save half my monthly salary for a while if I want anything done to the car.
===

It also hit home because after all these years I have to learn my lesson once and for all. My jealousy is unfounded because Denise does not belong to me, not in any capacity.

For a while now I've been mulling over the wisdom of dating her once a month. I fear if this keeps up, I will just end up wanting more than what she can give. Also I've gotten pretty sick of feeling jealous whenever I see her with some other guy. She's just that way, and I have to be willing to accept that.

She is my girl best friend, but perhaps it is about time I found someone else to take that mantle.

Enough is enough

I've just about had it with women. I'm sick of putting them on a pedestal, listening to them, trying to be extra nice to them...I want them to give me back the time and effort I wasted. If friendships and relationships are investments I'm damn sure I'm overdue on my return.

I'm sick of thinking about women.

Like my Tita Vik says, perhaps then they'd start coming...no pun intended.

Mwahahahaha!

If anyone of them wants me that fucking badly, I'll be working on my car.

Momentum and my emotional wrecking ball

There are a million things I want to talk about my recent state of mind and emotions. Instead of talking in the second person like I am wont to do, I will let Vienna Teng do the talking for me...and I'll leave it up to you to figure me out. I've been an open book and giving away the answers for far too long.

Why am I walking barefoot
Upon this road with no one around
I close my eyes to this decision

The night's like coffee to my tongue
Like waking up without a sound
I map the words out, maybe you will say them

Would you help me rise up?
Touch my face and watch me try to breathe again
Would you let me do this?
Burn down the final wall

Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, yeah
All I'm asking is to be alive for once

Always I am mistaken
I look for love, I find a stone
Of all the seasons winter befriends me

I come to you in friendship
And hold my breath against the snow
What are you thinking as I gaze into you?

Forgive me the confusion
Forgive me as I realize my thoughts betrayed
You are the answer, cry and smile the same

Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, baby
Overcome me, yeah
All I'm asking is to be
All I'm asking is to be alive...

- Vienna Teng, "Momentum"

Gaining back my faith

I am lonely again. I stood on the precipice of a great chance of finally finding love, after a long time. In the end, I had to throw it all away for doing what I thought was the best thing.

If it was so wise to let go then why does it hurt?

Yet life goes on. I refuse to get more exhausted than I already am. I cannot and will not be mired in this for longer than I have to be. I've learned fairly quickly; I can do it again.

I have to, for my own sake.
===

The past six months have been dangerous times, in hindsight. I've been playing with toys I shouldn't even be touching.

When she found out, Denise was genuinely concerned about me and my well-being. She was scared for me. She disapproved of my habit without being patronizing. Had it come from anyone else I would have brushed it clean off.

Now I owe it up to her to keep from committing "bad faith." It has to end, and I need to be seen to. I guess you knew I deserve much better than what I've been giving myself, and for some reason I just forgot my self-worth.

If I see you often enough, perhaps you can keep me from bad faith. I can laugh heartily at you and me and forget about looking for love so doggedly, so vainly. I missed you a lot and I realize just how valuable our friendship is and how naturally it comes between us. It's worth making a habit out of.

Thanks so much, Den. I'll see you again soon.

Mushy rush

I just finished watching the anime "REC."

It's the story of Aka, a struggling red-haired seiyuu (voice actress) who aspires to emulate Audrey Hepburn, and Matsumaru, an equally struggling advertising man in a snack food company. Both awkward and shy, their lives intersect when Aka's apartment goes up in flames after their initial date over beer and chicken. Matsumaru offers to take her in...and thus starts the chain of events that becomes their adventure.

It's been a long, long while since an anime made me feel this nice; I haven't felt this mushy rush since "Chobits." In a culture and place like Japan, where work takes precedence over almost everything else, "REC" features just how hard it is to start a successful relationship, let alone maintain one.

The theme is nothing new, as is the story, so what "REC" has going for it is its charm. Aka changes her voice whenever she quotes Audrey Hepburn's movie lines, and Matsumaru's introverted nature gets him in all sorts of trouble. The two characters just work, and "REC's" short run (an episode has two 15-minute chapters) keeps it peppy and fresh, just the right amount of mushy. Despite the brevity, the series covers all the bases.

This was really fun. I'd like to see more of these.

Socializing 101

When someone greets you hello after a long time, the proper thing to do is to greet them back.

What you don't do is give some cryptically sarcastic, uncalled-for reply that makes the other party actually feel bad that he/she greeted you in the first place.

Is that not correct? Of course it is.

Then why are you doing precisely the wrong thing?

Ah well, whatever. That's not for me to lose sleep and grow wrinkles and eyebags over.

Something I've noticed

I'm looking for excuses to get out of the office as early as I can. Why? I guess it's because there's something in my job I'm not enjoying.

Given that I was never very keen on an IT career, and that the people are the only reasons why I'm enjoying...hmmm. What do you think?

Perhaps I've had my fill of my peer-level colleagues. I have to admit it. I am never going to fit in with them, and frankly I've given up trying. They're forming ever closer bonds with each day, bonds which they purposely avoid to form with me. Sigh. Such is life.

If I am to keep enjoying my work, I have to meet other people. My world does not have to end within the four walls of my office. I just hope that I find more real friends in the community activities I've committed myself to.

Snuffed out early

The object of my affection is someone's girlfriend---er, fiancee. Just my luck I guess.

It's better this way. It's better I learned this early instead of much, much later. It saved me a lot of effort and humiliation.

Charmed out of my oath

I swore just a few months ago that I wouldn't fall for colleagues again.

Apparently I haven't learned my lesson.

Yes, yes, there is a certain someone I find attractive and I am smitten, again. I have two options: make use of the brief time I have left to get to know her better, or leave her be and regret the what-might-have-beens later.

Decisions, decisions. It's more complicated this time.

Crud. What on earth am I doing?

Not alone

Tonight I take solace in the fact that I am not alone in my plight after all.

Denise is going through the same emotional rut as I am, and we are both coping with it one day at a time. My only regret is I went through the same emotional rut over her and I did some pretty nasty things I now apologize for.

Here's to coping, Den. We can and will live through this. And we should see each other more often.

Music and lyrics...and how to move on.

At work, we got to watch "Music and Lyrics" on DVD over lunch. I never got to watch it in the cinema.

The movie was every bit as good as it was touted to be. Hugh Grant as a fictional '80s pop star has-been is very believable, and Drew Barrymore is exceptional as a subtle comedienne. Both sing pretty well, the songs are great soundtrack material, and Hugh's dance moves are both laughable and endearing in their tackiness. There's quite an age gap between them, but in the running time of the movie I conveniently forgot that because it didn't matter. They have good chemistry.

That's not the point though. The reason why I enjoyed "Music and Lyrics" so much was it spoke to me very clearly, about what I should do about my heartbreak.

In a sense I'm a lot like Barrymore's character Sophie Fisher. In many ways, I'm still living in a fairy tale, and when things aren't going the way I want them to, I'm ill-equipped to deal with them. But when things go wrong, the film taught me the absolute worst thing I could do is to be self-indulgent and brood in depression for far too long.

Why am I still in this rut? I may finally have an answer. There are things I wanted to happen, things I wanted to tell her, and I will never have the opportunity to make them reality. There are so many what-might-have-beens that plague my mind, keeping me fixated on her like some kind of addictive narcotic and preventing me from moving on with my life.

I am ultimately punishing myself---and what for? I gave it my best shot and I failed. I would have regretted it even more had I not tried anyway. I have to accept with finality that it will never be, that I deserve to be happy again.

This leads me to the final realization "Music and Lyrics" taught me. How will that girl out there know that I am passionate about her? She will know when I show her that she changed me. She will know when I do something so unusual, so out of character, so stupid even, that it will speak to her heart more directly than any amount of blatantly overrated physical intimacy.

I am as hopeless a romantic as ever...

Those magic words

I've never seen "Bridget Jones' Diary," nor have I ever read it in its full form (bits and pieces, yeah), but one line in that movie/novel has me currently stupefied by its depth of meaning.

"I like you. Just the way you are."

Think about it. It isn't as abused as the dreaded "I love you" yet has so much more "meat" to it. It also takes guts and a heckuvalot of conviction to say this and mean every word. Too many times, we say we love someone when we're actually in love with who we want that person to be.

And I've been guilty of that too.

I've put so much stock in what I wanted some people to become that too often I've failed to see and enjoy them as how they are. With me as transparent as glass, the frustration is so very obvious and it turns people off. Ultimately, the only people I get to appreciate as themselves are the few that stay long enough with me to tolerate my disappointments with them.

As much as I'm looking for someone to whisper those magic words in my ear, I should also be practicing its essence in my everyday life. I should learn how to let go of the iron grip of my expectations and simply let others be.

Which leads me to the second set of magic words.

"Live simply so that others may simply live."

It just isn't going to happen between you and a girl when/if...

It just isn't going to happen between you and a girl when/if...

• You are constantly walking on eggshells trying to strike a conversation with her. "Oops, that might be too invasive...no, that might be the wrong kind of joke to crack." You know the deal.

• You run into problems so early on just trying to communicate, and when you do it feels so stiff and unnatural.

• You are so gosh darn scared of offending her and have no idea what exactly might do so.

• You have no idea how she thinks, even after months of hanging out together.
  

• You can't even manage to make her smile or laugh of your own accord.
  

• She finds it strange that you send her text messages or emails instead of talking to her directly. Look, it's still the same message, just different media---what does it fucking matter?

• The sincerity of effort you put into getting to know her isn't reciprocated.

• You develop a nasty case of cotton-candy syndrome. The whole thing looks delicious until you bite into it, at which point you realize you're just eating air.
  

• You have absolutely nothing in common.

• You begin to think that maybe you really are from Mars and she really is from Venus.

• She's your colleague.

===

Ate Neysa was right. This is the last time I'm ever going to woo someone from work. What they say is true: familiarity breeds contempt.

I realize the workplace just isn't the best place to find love. Disastrous results guaranteed! Not even the foreknowledge of this fact mitigates the pain.

Yes, you were right, I made a big mistake with you. Then again, this is probably for the best. I gave it a shot and kept at it until it became clear that it was never going to work anyway. There was no shame in trying, no sense in continuing and no denying that the truth had to come out sometime.

Should I be sorry?