Maybe all my efforts of looking for crushes weren't such a good idea. It seems I already had someone I should seriously consider right beside me.

I remember I documented in this blog way, way back about my feelings for Denise. I remember quite foggily that I sort of promised to let the two of us remain as friends. Now it seems I didn't quite keep that promise. It feels like I was silently keeping all my emotions for her all this time---and the shocking thing is, I didn't even know about it myself until recently.

Last night, while en route to Ercx's house to work on our thesis, she told us that she'd be coming home late and that we should go somewhere to spend the time until then.

After a lengthy dinner and conversation at Hen Lin, Denise and I decided to head back to my parked car to talk, as we were getting conscious of our stale welcome. While in the car I popped the question.

"Hypothetically speaking, how would you react if I courted you?"

She looked at me with a quizzical look and was silent for a while. Then she reacted, "But we're friends..."

It seems Denise had reservations about her close friends becoming "too close." I already knew this from previous experience. But as the question went on I learned some things.

She had become jaded about love and happiness and all these happily ending love stories commercialized on TV and in the movies. She confided in me that she didn't believe the real world acted in that rose-tinted glasses sort of way, and that she just might be a pessimist after all. I related to her my personal experience on this.

After that she asked, "Why me? I'm not girlfriend material..."
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This was a pivotal question. I had mulled over this quite seriously and I really don't believe her when she says that.

See, Denise is the kind of person I could talk about anything and everything about. Whenever I'm with her, I don't feel like I need to hide anything. I'm as close as I can get to being genuinely me when I am graced with her company. I believe I knew this from way, way back---even before I delved into my first relationship.

I won't deny that she's physically attractive to me too. She might grumble about having gained weight but I don't really care. I don't even notice it. I even know for a fact that she has this charm over guys that maybe she just doesn't acknowledge. I can't quite explain it fully but maybe it's because she makes people feel like they can be themselves---she's not stuck up or anything like that.

I left this all unsaid. All I said was: "Never think you're not girlfriend material, because you are."
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I slowly began to feel this old familiar sense of warmth in my chest---the sort that arises when you want to be with someone you love. I'm not saying I'm in love with her, but I might as well be. At this point in time, I've known enough about Denise to know that she's worth giving my heart to. I know enough about her to realize that if I ever did fall in love with her, I would be sure I didn't force myself into feeling the emotion, like I did so many times in high school.

I suppose I was, and am, being persistent about this to her in sneaky ways like in mid-conversation. Maybe that was just a subconscious manifestation of my true feelings, and this was simply the full monty of manifestations.

Still, I am afraid. Denise told me she would so wish it for the two of us to be friends until we were old and gray, and I echo that sentiment. She had written and told me that I had become one of her closest friends, and I was quite touched. As much as I am sure about my feelings for her, I wouldn't want to force her into loving me. Nor would I want to delve into something deeper, yet risk losing what friendship we already had.

I had ideal thoughts of a relationship simply being a deeper form of friendship, and that if the relationship were to fail, there was always the friendship to fall back on. My experience with Pam tells me this just isn't the case with some people.
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When I drove up to Denise's village and it was time for her to leave, I was seriously considering giving her a kiss---one on her cheek would be enough. I know I joked about it as my birthday present for her, but when we were on our way home, I was quite serious. For the first time, I really wanted to hug her tight and kiss her.

I didn't.

I suppose I had "scared" her enough already, and I didn't want to force anything. Besides, who knows who was inside the red Sentra that was supposed to pick her up. If it had been her father, I would've been had at least a good telling-to.

I adore the feeling I get when I realize I have loved somebody, but I should admit I don't like the feeling of anxiety or indecision over whether my love will be requited or not.

Truth be told, it feels like we're an informal couple, Denise and I. We're always together, we're always laughing, we're always happy with each other. The only thing missing is the tenderness.

Sigh...
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If you decide to read this, Denise, I hope you simply take all of this as an entire blog post about you and how great a person you are. How you will react to what I have written is beyond my control. Just be aware that I am very thankful that I got to know someone like you in my life.