It's been so long since I blogged, but if you've read my baby's blog, you probably have kept tabs with what essentially has happened with me these past few days.

Yes, I have been a major asshole to Pam. I could go into details, but ultimately I made her doubt her place in my life and the scheme of things. Every night, we'd be fighting over the phone, crying our eyes out with feelings of inadequacy, grief and loneliness. I hurt her so much with the things I kept from her, and no matter what I did, I couldn't even take the pain away even if I wanted to. I didn't know how.

Yet all that mattered to me was her.

In the span of our three months together, I have never felt so loved and so special. There had been problems along the way, yes, but we somehow hurdled them together and stayed with each other. She is the one woman whose happiness matters to me the most---I dare say, more than even the happiness I keep trying to give my parents to no avail. She is the only one I can stand to be with when I feel I am at my worst, because she knows and understands me so completely.

Pam, you're the only one I can see myself growing old with. You just suit me so well. I will never love anyone as much or as deeply as I have loved you. No matter what happens to us, I always will love you---because you're such a great person, friend and lover. Thank you for giving me the love you've never given anyone else these past three months, and I want to share our love as long as humanly possible.

I love you, Pam.