Mechanical temptation beckons...

According to HCP acquaintance and SpeedLab shop owner Ferman Lao, the GD-series Honda Jazz is currently one of the hottest cars for tuning and modification enthusiasts. Since one of these "hamsters" now serves as my daily runabout, it's become pretty hard to ignore the lure of all the performance parts on sale.

From full coilover suspension kits and upsized brake rotors to turbo installations and custom exhaust headers, the list of possibilities is endless. I've said before that my Jazz's stock L13A3 twin-spark engine is short of about 30 BHP to be truly fun; SpeedLab's turbo kit promises a mouth-watering gain of 40-60 BHP. The price is equally tear-inducing though: installing the kit costs PhP135,000 all in, labor and tuning included.

The increased pace is tempting, but I'm inclined to take the minor engine-breathing upgrades instead and take a long hard look at the suspension and brake options. TEIN's Super Street Damper set starts at PhP57,500, while their more unique Basic Compact/Wagon coilover set is PhP60,000. Gulp. An aftermarket suspension has more value than a turbo, however, as TEIN's units are much more robustly constructed. The stock springs and dampers in comparison have generated a few complaints from other Jazz owners after a few years of local road use.

After avoiding car clubs like the plague for a couple of years, I think I've rediscovered how to make myself bankrupt. Now that I'm earning money, I'm taking a long hard look at keeping the Jazz for a long time and letting the tuning bug finally bite me.

When will sleep come?

Funny enough, hours after writing my previous blog post about recovering from the flu and praising the value of sleep, I was tossing and turning in bed trying desperately to get my daily requirement of it. No matter how dark my room was or how long I closed my eyes, my mind simply remained too wound-up and active hours after I took to bed.

The next day I woke up feeling dull and insipid. Driving to the office proved tiring again, and once there I could barely stay productive.

Insomnia, delayed sleep phase disorder or whatever you might call it, I've definitely got it. It's a transient case, but it's gotten more frequent these days and it stinks.

I'm considering buying some sleeping pills to help my poor sleep habits.

Much to look forward to...after rest

Overtime, lousy sleep and my colleagues' illnesses have finally done me in. Last Wednesday, while getting ready to take the morning shower, I felt horrible and feverish. I had a bad cough, a massive headache and none of my energy.

That set off a whole week off work. Most of the flu symptoms were gone by Friday, but my heavy, dizzy head absolutely refused to cooperate. A thirty-minute spell in front of the computer to check my email left me drained and dizzy.

Consequently, in those five days of sick leave I rediscovered the value of sleep. Oh, how I neglected that most despised of my physical needs. I slept abnormally frequently, especially in the afternoons. This is payback for the long nights and incessant hotel insomnia of my last project, I reckon. I don't enjoy sleep, but I had a lot of it and it did me a world of good. I gained weight, swilled my pills, lay in bed watching new cable channels and slept like a bum.

When I mustered the will to report back to work this morning, I was still quite weak. My eyes spun in their sockets after the morning drive to Mandaluyong and my forehead glistened with the sick pall of cold sweat. As the day went by, I gradually gained back my strength. While waiting my turn at the toll booth intersection tonight, close to home, I felt grateful to feel...normal.
===

I recovered just in time. This was almost a repeat of last year, when I got sick on the day of the Accenture Badminton Club (ABC) Cup tournament. I'm grateful I recovered with three days to go before this year's tourney.
===

My plane tickets to Leyte have just been booked. This takes the honor of my first-ever credit card transaction, and I did the booking and purchase online too. To my chagrin, the ticket price has gone up from last month, but I don't mind.

I'll be greeting my "best fwend" a happy happy birthday in person, after four years. I'm certainly looking forward to it, Cher.
===

Joy's also made our coffee date when she visits from the UK. The 16th of December it is.

Tired...

On a whim I left Pam a message on Friendster. Then I visited her blog. She hasn't updated it in a while due to the whims of Multiply, but what I see is enough to tell me she's got a whole lot going on in her life---most of which is stuff she enjoys.

And I'm glad for her.

It is a balmy Saturday afternoon. I just got my 13th-month pay. Technically speaking, I'm more loaded than ever before.

So why am I wasting the day cooped up at home in front of my computer and writing on my blog?

I'm tired of battling the traffic and the weekend drivers and the indecisive morons that populate Manila's streets. I'm tired of spending my hard-earned money on the silliest, most frivolous, even downright hazardous things and experiences. I'm tired of the temptation to think with body organs other than my head.

I am bored, I want to get out and enjoy, I want to finish my almost-done Christmas shopping, I want to drive to the ends of the earth, but I am tired.

Maybe next week...

Casualties of the battle of the sexes

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong, there is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb, there is a man who is burdened with the constant expectation of “knowing everything.”

For every woman who is tired of being called “an emotional female,” there is a man who is denied the right to weep and to be gentle.

For every woman who is called unfeminine when she competes, there is a man for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity.

For every woman who is tired of being a sex object, there is a man who must worry about his potency.

For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children, there is a man who is denied the full pleasures of shared parenthood.

For every woman who is denied meaningful employment or equal pay, there is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for another human being.

For every woman who was not taught the intricacies of an automobile, there is a man who was not taught the satisfactions of cooking.

For every woman who takes a step toward her own liberation, there is a man who finds the way to freedom has been made a little easier.

- Nancy R. Smith, "For Every Woman"
===

I got the poem above from Dr. Joy Barredo, an acquaintance I met by her stumbling across my blog a few months ago. We've been exchanging emails since then, and had things turned out a little differently I might have met her as one of my literature professors in DLSU.

If all goes well, I'll be sipping coffee with her in Alabang by December. We'll see.

Rakenrol muna...

Duda ang aking kasama
At sabay kami sa aming pag-iisa
Meron akong matagal nang hinahanap
At ang takot ko'y di na siya mahagilap

Dumaan na ba siya? Di ko lang napuna?
Ilang gabi pang laman ng isip
Ilang araw pang magtatanong
Kung sino, nasaan, kailan ka ba
Darating at ako ay sagipin
Sa mundong malupit at naiinip?
Sino, nasaan, kailan ka ba?

Walang silbi sa akin ang gabi
At di makatulog sa kahihintay sa iyo
Kung ika'y dumating, kailangang tanggapin
Na baka di ka naman maging akin

Dumaan na ba siya? Di ko lang napuna?
Ilang gabi pang laman ng isip
Ilang araw pang magtatanong
Kung sino, nasaan, kailan ka ba
Darating at ako ay sagipin
Sa mundong malupit at naiinip?
Sino, nasaan, kailan ka ba?

Sino ka man, dumating ka na please
Sino ka man, dumating ka na please
Sino, nasaan, kailan...

Sino, nasaan, kailan ka ba
Darating at ako ay sagipin
Sa mundong malupit at naiinip?
Sino, nasaan, kailan ka ba?

- Sugar Free, "Kailan Ka Ba?"

Gaining back my faith

I am lonely again. I stood on the precipice of a great chance of finally finding love, after a long time. In the end, I had to throw it all away for doing what I thought was the best thing.

If it was so wise to let go then why does it hurt?

Yet life goes on. I refuse to get more exhausted than I already am. I cannot and will not be mired in this for longer than I have to be. I've learned fairly quickly; I can do it again.

I have to, for my own sake.
===

The past six months have been dangerous times, in hindsight. I've been playing with toys I shouldn't even be touching.

When she found out, Denise was genuinely concerned about me and my well-being. She was scared for me. She disapproved of my habit without being patronizing. Had it come from anyone else I would have brushed it clean off.

Now I owe it up to her to keep from committing "bad faith." It has to end, and I need to be seen to. I guess you knew I deserve much better than what I've been giving myself, and for some reason I just forgot my self-worth.

If I see you often enough, perhaps you can keep me from bad faith. I can laugh heartily at you and me and forget about looking for love so doggedly, so vainly. I missed you a lot and I realize just how valuable our friendship is and how naturally it comes between us. It's worth making a habit out of.

Thanks so much, Den. I'll see you again soon.

Ten guidelines from God

I got this email from my choir buddy Matthew. I thought I should share it with you guys because it's something I also need to look at from time to time.
===

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines.

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget... Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget...

Note: I received this from a friend and I have no idea who wrote it, but I was so touched by it, that I had to share it with you. I hope that you will be blessed by it and will share it with others.

Touch someone with your love. Rather than focus upon the thorns of life, smell the roses and count your blessings!

"I never said it would be easy. I said it would be worth it."

Of hotels, comfort and grace

I've been on overtime for the past month, and out of that, I've spent three weeks at a hotel close to work. This week was the worst yet. I'm dead tired and unable to sleep very well. There was even one day where I was up the whole night, searching in vain for sleep to come.

I'm really burnt out, and I don't think the hotel stay helped this time. I guess I miss my bed too damn much.
===

There's this new colleague at work I'm not very comfortable with. Okay, perhaps I'm being a little unfair and I should give her the benefit of the doubt. But I really don't like the way she looks at me and approaches me. Once she literally rubbed me the wrong way---on the shoulder---to borrow my cell phone charger. I could feel my blood run cold. Who exactly is this girl to me and why is she being too friendly? My friend Chielou assumes she has a crush on me---well this is exactly how NOT to make a favorable impression.

Being over-friendly also applies to this other stranger who keeps sending me messages in the hope of making me a so-called textmate. I have no idea of who this party is, other than "it" having introduced "itself" to me as "Trouble." To date I haven't replied to any of "its" messages, but that doesn't seem to have stopped "it" from trying.

Besides, if you were named Trouble, how good do you imagine my odds are of wanting to meet you?
===

Regardless of how massively tired I've been this week though, I'm glad I had my friend Grace. We've become much closer over the past few days, and my day hasn't been complete without calling her up or sending her a few messages over SMS. In the insomnia-laced craziness of work, she's kept me on an even keel.

I only hope I've done the same for her.

Mushy rush

I just finished watching the anime "REC."

It's the story of Aka, a struggling red-haired seiyuu (voice actress) who aspires to emulate Audrey Hepburn, and Matsumaru, an equally struggling advertising man in a snack food company. Both awkward and shy, their lives intersect when Aka's apartment goes up in flames after their initial date over beer and chicken. Matsumaru offers to take her in...and thus starts the chain of events that becomes their adventure.

It's been a long, long while since an anime made me feel this nice; I haven't felt this mushy rush since "Chobits." In a culture and place like Japan, where work takes precedence over almost everything else, "REC" features just how hard it is to start a successful relationship, let alone maintain one.

The theme is nothing new, as is the story, so what "REC" has going for it is its charm. Aka changes her voice whenever she quotes Audrey Hepburn's movie lines, and Matsumaru's introverted nature gets him in all sorts of trouble. The two characters just work, and "REC's" short run (an episode has two 15-minute chapters) keeps it peppy and fresh, just the right amount of mushy. Despite the brevity, the series covers all the bases.

This was really fun. I'd like to see more of these.

So this is what it feels like.

(one.)
The feeling of independence, of not having parents or anyone else to help. The experience of boarding with colleagues---not on some summer outing, but because we're all teammates doomed to committing overtime hours for an extended period. The shock of missing objects or things instead of family members. The quirks of having to iron your clothes without an iron. The irritation of being awake at 4 a.m. while everyone else is snoring away. The power of a caffeine overdose---and its crippling, mind-burning consequences.

For these I have to thank Joel, Candice and Sara. We still have a long road ahead and it is fraught with disappointment, frustration and bewilderment. I am glad I had to share it with you three.

(two.)
The feeling of helplessness and being lied to. The disappointment of seeing you being hailed as our representative for our concerns, when you've done nothing to stand up for all our sacrifices and grievances. The abandonment from other teams that are supposed to be doing their jobs; instead, all the blame, pressure and effort is piled on our shoulders yet again. The weariness from being asked to play superhero all the time when we so obviously are not, nor did we deserve to be treated as such. The empty promise heaped on us for our effort and sacrifice when it is obviously not enough compensation. The growing urge to give up and refuse flat-out.

How long will this go on? When will it all end? I refuse to believe you any longer. Your words are as empty as your ass-kissing soul. Let's see how good a leader you are when not one among your subordinates believes you.

(three.)
The feeling of having a confidant friend in the craziness of the Internet. The reassurance that there is someone willing to listen to whatever screwed-up idea pops up in my head. The appreciation one can only get from having an audience---one very willing at that.

Thank you, Grace. I have much to learn from you and I will keep on asking you questions. And yes, I really do want to sing for you one of these days.

(four.)
The will to make something else out of my time, but not the resources nor the freedom to do so. The vanishing of whatever little social life I used to have. The desire to be somewhere else.

Is this what being burnt out feels like?

(five.)
The unpleasant feeling that rears its green head when you see the women you used to cherish being happy with men who aren't you. The lingering question that stabs you in the head and heart with a glass dagger: "Why not me?" The onset of doubt: "Am I destined to be alone forever? Have I met my quota of learning experiences of what true love is like?" The self-loathing. The broken self-esteem.

So this is what it feels like.

Dear Ira

You probably don't know me as anything other than the relatively new tenor at the choir. You don't even know my name. Conversely, I don't know you very well either as anything other than the niece of my choirmaster.

That said, I have a few words you might want to listen to. I bet you won't fully understand what I'm saying until at least five years from now, but I'll say it anyway.

If you knew anything at all about me, I generally dislike kids. I especially dislike your brothers and cousins because they're so boisterous and unruly, and I'm the strict disciplinarian type who won't shirk from whupping some butt in the name of setting kids straight.

I admire you because you're very well-adjusted, given your tender age of nine. You act like the stereotypical big sister: stern, responsible, well-meaning and perfectionist, if a little bitchy and catty for it. That's generally a good thing, a virtue. The way you volunteered to sing in place of our absentee members yesterday is very, very admirable.

But let me tell you this: you're too young for that.

You're way too young to become bitchy and catty. (Er, "bitch" is a bad word. I don't mean it in a bad way, but don't imitate me saying it...not just yet. ) You're still too young to be fretting over stuff, especially stuff that grown-ups like us should be concerned with. You're too young to cover for the idiotic foolishness of your brothers the way you do.

Most of all, you're too young to be wearing a razor-sharp frown the way I see you do.

You're a nine-year-old kid, a girl at that. Honestly, I think you should be enjoying it. Enjoy your ballet lessons, enjoy your classmates, enjoy the company of your friends and don't worry unnecessarily. Kids have the license to get away with stupid things the way most grown-ups just wish they could. Don't be in a hurry to grow up---I'm speaking from experience and it's not good.

Don't act like me because you'll end up like me. I don't want that kind of life for you. I want you to be happy in these halcyon days because they will pass by much, much faster than you think, and when they do, you can never have them back no matter how much you want them to. Enjoy what you can, while you can. Your mom and dad may put limits and dampers to your fun, but I know them and they mean you well.

I don't know how much more often I will be able to see you. I don't even know if we'll ever be properly introduced. Those are questions for the future, and you don't see me worrying about them, so you shouldn't too. All I want is to see you smiling more often, regardless of whether you know me or not.

Pardon me for being so long-winded...I know kids have short attention spans nowadays so I'll leave you to your business. Just stay happy.

Cheers,
JM

Wanted: enthusiasm from fellow choir members

Lately it's become rather disheartening and disappointing to stay on as a member of our church choir. The level of commitment and enthusiasm is a far cry from what I see in the Accenture Chorale...heck, even from just the Cybergate Choir. I daresay we don't even sound as good as we should be. To top it all off, we just essentially celebrated the departure of yet another member.

It's rare that I wax religious in my posts, or even my thoughts, but I will keep on singing as much as I can. It's a good way of serving the Lord. I'm afraid to say how long I will keep singing in my own church is still up in the air, however. Without opportunities to learn something new, or encouragement from other members, it has become truly tempting to ply my trade somewhere else.

Chalk up one more recent disappointment in a year that's been full of them, I reckon.

Sage advice for the lonely souls

We spend much of our lives alone. Some cope with it better than others. The ones who don’t are primed and ready for victimhood. You have to learn to be with yourself, because if you don’t, there’s a whole world of drugs, booze and rotten people who will be your friend until you’ve been sucked dry. Beware of what loneliness makes you do...

This quote is brought to you by the LA Weekly...and one of the creepier stories I've read.

*

Early morning overtime's a bitch

The past week I've been going to the office at 7am more frequently than usual---four days out of five a week, to be exact, instead of the usual one. This was a bid to put in overtime hours for my current project at work.

However I'm finding the schedule increasingly tough on my body. This is the first week that I've been at it (I reserve Fridays as no-overtime days). Already I feel lousier and lousier with every exit from the glass doors at work, and it shows up on my face. Factor in the intense pressure on our team and the disappointing behavior of our onshore counterparts, and it feels like another one of those projects where you're being asked to move heaven and earth.

Still, as I was waiting for breakfast today at a fastfood restaurant, I was reminded of how much better I have it at work compared to other people. I can't imagine myself in a fastfood restaurant; imagine the pressure to serve and take orders as efficiently and as quickly as possible on a daily basis. Then again each job has its own demands and idiosyncrasies.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out like this, so I've decided to take up the offer of free lodging at a nearby hotel while we're on overtime. I wonder if it'll make any difference.

The hunger remains

Perhaps I'm not as evil or as undesirable as I thought. According to others, I'm actually better adjusted than I give myself credit for.

So why am I still the lone wolf?

It is supposedly because the little things matter so much to me. They do, because it's through the little things that I show my humanity.

Yet again I am a slave to the tightening garrote of expectations...I expect something in return for what I do, and I am disappointed when I don't get it. How expensive is it, in the grand scheme of things, to be recognized and appreciated?

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I am told that just doing the right thing should be the reward in itself.

Homogeneity is not the answer I was looking for. Homogeneity is not what belonging should be all about. I am not evil or twisted or sociopathic; I am just different; I am myself. I do not need to be invited by people and colleagues to parties and gimmicks just to validate that we're friends. All I have to do is be myself, as helpful as I've ever been.

Thanks, PJ.

Maybe that time will come. Maybe that person will come. Until then, all I can do is work behind the scenes like I've always done.

...I am still eternally hungry for appreciation.

Sigh.

Look what I got in the mail today

Apparently Gracey left me an unexpected parting gift: a signed, hardbound copy of "The Little Prince" and a signed copy of a small paperback called "Work Therapy." That was totally unexpected. I'll find the time to read them.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

No time like the present

I haven't had much to write about lately. A lot of things have happened, but I don't feel the urge to write about them.

The past couple of weeks have seen a few dear people leave my life. They've also seen a few not-so-dear people leave me for no intelligible reason other than their thinking they know me well.

I'm also learning that perhaps the heartbreak bitterness isn't gone yet, but I have to live through this because there's nothing else I can do.

Replacing some of those dear friends is a new "big sister" of sorts who's been patient with listening to me and my insecurities. Thanks. You know who you are.

The virtue that tickles my psyche the most nowadays is "serenity." According to a prayer on one of my mother's kitchen decorations, it's the acceptance of things I can't do anything about. Lavishing emotion and anger on stuff that's already happened is a tremendous waste of time. It's just a matter of ingraining this lesson into my stubborn mental fiber.

I am slowly realizing that there's no time like the present. For far too long, the fear of making mistakes and my insecurities have gotten in the way of what I wanted to do. It shouldn't matter if I want to ask someone out on a date or book a two-way flight to the province. If I can do it, I should chase my happiness. What else will stop me? What else should stop me?

I should keep trying now. I'm not getting any younger.

I'm about to lose my anchor

My colleague and friend Grace is leaving us for greener pastures...much to the shock and bewilderment of many on our team. Tomorrow is the start of her final week.

While I can't deny I got saddened and a little infuriated because I didn't know about this sooner, I can't really help things by stewing. Instead I decided to give her birthday gift three weeks early. Good for me I already bought it in advance.

Ever since she got that Olympus Mju 770SW camera of hers, she's been taking snapshot upon snapshot with it on her many travels. Knowing how quirky her taste is and how frequently she shoots, I got her a Joby Gorillapod Classic as an investment for her photographic hobby. Wow, did she rave like a little kid when she opened it. Apparently she'd been wishing for one for a while after seeing one of her mountain-climbing friends bring one, and I just so happened to be the fairy godmoth...uh, godfather. Moments after opening the Gorillapod, she affectionately called it "Gorio."

We've had our share of problems but she's still my anchor to my other colleagues. Even though I was gradually weaning myself from her, nothing could have prepared me for her total departure. She was a bright bit of sunshine the whole time I knew her. All I can do is leave her with a few good memories while she's here and hope for the best for her in Switzerland.

Thank you, Gracey. Barclays definitely won't be the same without you.

The consequences of "first-child syndrome" fuelled by rage

I'm stuck in the notion that I can actually change things by sheer force of will and a lot of vitriol.

Even though I know I can't, I still engage in this idiotic, idiosyncratic folly.

Go with the flow, people say.

I can't.

I'm the proverbial salmon, fighting the tide and going upstream with no rational explanation, except for thinking things should go exactly the way I envision them to be. I want people to follow the rules. I want people to be conscious of the rules even if they aren't being enforced properly.

I want them to think, dammit! I want them to reciprocate! I want them to feel guilty before they commit to something stupid!

Sigh.

What an enormous waste of energy and willpower attributable to what our priest calls "first-child syndrome."

GAH! I feel nauseous. I am a failed Dr. Gregory House clone. At least his browbeating and overbearing behavior actually gets results. In contrast people just look at me and silently scream "What the fuck's this guy's problem?"



I have to let go at some point. I hope I don't get to the point where all the coiled-up tension and animosity just snaps my springs.