Shards of glass

Shards of glass

All this time I've been buoyed by a ridiculous optimism. I'm sure many people have noticed. However I am also very afraid that that same optimism, the same thing that recently made me a much better person to hang around with, might just as easily come crashing down like a house of cards.

Yes, I am afraid, I am afraid of that happening. I finally feel so good about myself, flying like the Zeta Plus aircraft model I perch on the display stand at my cubicle, but I know that I could just as easily get knocked down by a wayward limb.

The key to all this is you.

I am so afraid of pushing headlong into these hopes I built up for myself. I may hardly be able to take the frustration when it doesn't pay off, and after everything that's said and done I may just still be left by the same wayside I found myself in when you first entered my life. The whole point of this was to get inside your head and see you for who you are, and I am afraid I might never get to do that.

What do I know? You might even be a better writer than I am. You might be hiding behind that very nice smile of yours you wear everyday, but deep down, how will I know that you're not actually secretly laughing at how stupid I can be?

I still wonder how I should live my life. I can be too much like a pane of glass: too transparent, too easy to read and/or predict, yet so inflexible and very easily shattered into jagged shards that do nothing but hurt everyone.

Still, I figure it should be done. Whatever dread, embarrassment and melancholia I experience now shouldn't stand in the way of my living my life with as few regrets as possible. One day soon I will let you know that it was you on my mind all the time and that I desire to know you more.

Who knows, there's the off chance I might be the one you were looking for, too. Not that I'd ever know from looking at your smile...